Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Re DD holiday with her DF

50 replies

Pancake1980 · 12/10/2018 08:23

DDs DF and I split about 3.5 years ago. He has taken her abroad in the summer 3x in that time - twice alone and 1x with his new 'family' (GF who was pregnant at the time but recently had the baby).

Ex and his new GF have been away on 1 holiday without DD (she's 10 btw) before she was pregnant and a couple of long weekends without DD too, which whilst DD missed him it's not a family holiday so to speak.

DD came home last weekend quite upset that DF, GF & baby were going to go on holiday next spring without her. They said that they will take her away in the summer holidays but not the spring holiday 1. because it's in school time and 2. because they want to go for 2 weeks and DD gets homesick (she's been away with DF for 7 and 10 days before and got homesick both times).

Whilst I agree 2 weeks is too long, AIBU to think that they shouldn't go with baby but not DD, regardless of whether they take her in the summer? Can they not go for a week over easter or something?

OP posts:
Stompythedinosaur · 12/10/2018 08:29

I'm a bit torn. Normally I would absolutely agree that step kids should be included in holidays, but it sounds like this is a holiday your dd1 wouldn't want to go on (because of the length away from you). Also taking a baby is a bit different to taking another similar age child, it will basically be an adult holiday with a baby in a pram or sling.

I should have been handled better by your ex though, absolutely.

Returnofthesmileybar · 12/10/2018 08:35

I think yabu. They want a two week holiday, fair enough, your dd doesn't want to go for two weeks, fair enough too, so they all go later in the year again, when she is off school and not for two weeks, seems fair to me

Feefeetrixabelle · 12/10/2018 08:35

Yabu he is taking her away in the summer.

OctoberDaze · 12/10/2018 08:37

I think YABU. She’s not with them full time, so they can’t do every single thing in consideration of her - i.e. never go on two week holidays because of her.

I also understand why they want to be able to make the most of being able to go away outside school holiday season! They won’t be able to do that for long.

If they were saying they weren’t also going to go away with her in the summer, then you would not be unreasonable. But as they are, I think YABU.

OctoberDaze · 12/10/2018 08:37

Plus this will essentially be an adult holiday. It’s not like the baby will be doing much.

KathyBates · 12/10/2018 08:40

YABU to dictate when they take holidays. They are not taking your DD because she doesn't want to go for that length of time, they do. Perhaps look to take measures to help with her home sicknesses and a 2 week holiday will be possible in the future.
Presumably taking a holiday out of the school holidays with a baby (generally free) is a much cheaper option and they may not be able to/ want to pay for holidays both at Easter and in the summer when the prices are higher.
Also a bit mean to write 'family'. They have a baby now, they are DDs family too and equally as important in her life.

Missingstreetlife · 12/10/2018 08:40

Can you or another family member take her away at Easter? Or is there some activity she and her dad can do?
I think it's reasonable for them to have a holiday off peak if it's not in her usual time with them. Otherwise they will have to organise with you if they are missing a weekend with her, maybe swap for another time?

Original poster
Pancake1980 · 12/10/2018 08:41

I do think DD is more upset about it because of fear of missing out as oppose to wanting to go - she'd be a mess after 2 weeks away! She normally gets homesick around day 5 and I get a teary phone call :(.

I just really don't want her to feel pushed out by the baby, and whilst it seems like DF and GF have handled it well so far it just seems a little unfair as she's definitely at that age where she notices things like that and obviously a new baby sister is a huge change for her.

OP posts:
Original poster
Pancake1980 · 12/10/2018 08:43

You're right though - not like taking a baby is the same as taking a child of a similar age, I just hate to see her upset about not going. Although a week long trip in the summer hols with them is much more appropriate

OP posts:
CherryPavlova · 12/10/2018 08:45

DD needs to be told not to be so self indulgent and of course they won’t take her out of school for two weeks. It’s not pushing her out it’s acting in her best interests, particularly if she gets homesick.

She’s lucky she’ll get a nice summer holiday. Many children don’t.

DunesOfSand · 12/10/2018 08:47

I think your ex has handled it badly, but can you imagine the alibi from the baby?
My half sister comes on every holiday we go on, and then gets a holiday with her mum aswell, aibu to think its unfair she gets more holidays than me?

Fridaydreamer · 12/10/2018 08:47

Just focus on the fact that your DD can’t go because of school. Explain to her that sadly this was the only time this particular holiday could be booked and that the law doesn’t allow her to miss school that long for a holiday.

Then focus on all the lovely things her new baby sister will bring into her life and how lucky she is to get to go on holiday every summer. Plus by summer her new baby sister will be more fun to play with.

It’s how you spin this to your DD that matters. Your Ex is perfectly entitled to go away without his DD when she’s not resident with him all the time and he clearly balances it out by taking on holiday in the summer.

MakeAHouseAHome · 12/10/2018 08:51

YABU. Why should your ex and his family be expected to shorten the holiday they want to go on just because your DD gets homesick.

SavoyCabbage · 12/10/2018 08:54

I think when you have two dc there does come a time when you do separate things with them.

Mydh took our oldest to London for a weekend to go to various art galleries and museums that would have noted the pants of the youngest.

There have been loads of occasions over the years like that. One is going to a sleepover so can't go to the theatre.

MummySharkDoodoododoo · 12/10/2018 08:57

Sorry but yabu. My ex does loads of stuff with his new family, and I don't expect him to always include our DDs, and nor do they.

Going away during term time with one baby is very different from school holidays and with an older child. I think they have accommodated your daughter by also taking her away in the summer

Yabbers · 12/10/2018 09:03

She’s not being pushed out because of the baby. The reason she isn’t going is down to her not wanting to be away for two weeks. They are taking her on holiday in the summer.

Maybe time to teach her the world doesn’t revolve round her?

BabySharkAteMyHamster · 12/10/2018 09:08

I think yabu. She doesnt want to go away for 2 weeks and that's that. It's also in term so Bear

However for the sake of family harmony I would have a word in her dads ear and maybe suggest a short break / overnight stay somewhere she likes ?? A theme park break or something more geared to her age.

Allgirlskidsanddogs · 12/10/2018 09:13

Whilst DD is part of their family she isn’t there all the time and shouldn’t expect to be included in everything they do. They can’t put their lives on hold whilst she’s with you.

I think that they’ve handled this well. They’ve told her about it but also promised a holiday together later in the year. They’re being realistic about the reasons for not taking her in the spring, too long away, school time etc.

Ledkr · 12/10/2018 09:13

I thînk op admitted she was being unreasonable a few posts back.

bluetit101 · 12/10/2018 09:17

I think YABU, sorry OP.
He's made valid points as to why they are not taking her in the spring. He and you would probably be fined if he did. Plus he's thinking of her in regards to her being homesick.

I think he's being pretty fair.

Eliza9917 · 12/10/2018 09:19

AIBU to think that they shouldn't go with baby but not DD, regardless of whether they take her in the summer? Can they not go for a week over easter or something?

YABU imo. Not every last thing they do must include your DD.

bluetit101 · 12/10/2018 09:20

But just to clarify, I totally understand you being upset that your DD is upset.

SillySallySingsSongs · 12/10/2018 09:22

AIBU to think that they shouldn't go with baby but not DD, regardless of whether they take her in the summer? Can they not go for a week over easter or something?

Sorry OP but YABU. Not everything they do should or will include your DD.

Soontobemama1 · 12/10/2018 09:24

YABVU.

you immediately started the thread with 'family', which shows you already are still bitter. YES that is also her family, YES your ex can go on to have more children, which you also seem quite bitter about.

you should be reminding your daughter she wouldn't want to go away from you for 2 weeks, not writing on here about how a family should instead pay double the price for half the holiday to go in Easter holidays, just for your daughter to not 'miss out' , but then cry for a full week because she's home sick and ring you every night (in turn ruining their family holiday - probably the first with their child).

many step mothers/ex's partners can be a nightmare when it comes to step children and you should feel glad your DD is going on holiday abroad with them at all this year, and that her DF's GF involves her in everything, especially when she's got her own child to now prioritize.

instead of moaning about them on the internet, set an example to your DD by sitting down with her and explaining that a holiday is a special treat and she is not entitled to be included in every single one, otherwise she will grow up very self absorbed and entitled... just a thought Smile

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 12/10/2018 09:26

I understand it's hard seeing DD upset but I don't think your ex is wrong for booking this holiday, he has one in summer planned for DD. I don't know think it's fair on the ex and GF to have to only go in term time ( expensive ) and to only ever have a week away because DD gets homesick.