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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Re DD holiday with her DF

50 replies

Pancake1980 · 12/10/2018 08:23

DDs DF and I split about 3.5 years ago. He has taken her abroad in the summer 3x in that time - twice alone and 1x with his new 'family' (GF who was pregnant at the time but recently had the baby).

Ex and his new GF have been away on 1 holiday without DD (she's 10 btw) before she was pregnant and a couple of long weekends without DD too, which whilst DD missed him it's not a family holiday so to speak.

DD came home last weekend quite upset that DF, GF & baby were going to go on holiday next spring without her. They said that they will take her away in the summer holidays but not the spring holiday 1. because it's in school time and 2. because they want to go for 2 weeks and DD gets homesick (she's been away with DF for 7 and 10 days before and got homesick both times).

Whilst I agree 2 weeks is too long, AIBU to think that they shouldn't go with baby but not DD, regardless of whether they take her in the summer? Can they not go for a week over easter or something?

OP posts:

underoverunder · 12/10/2018 09:28

Interesting. It does rather highlight the differences between the responsibilites of fathers and mothers. If you had a new partner and a new baby with that partner, would you plan a holiday with your partner and new baby during term time and expect your DD to go and stay with her dad during those two weeks? I doubt many mothers would do that.

However, given that your DD wouldn't want to go on this holiday as she'd be homesick, I don't think you should give much more thought to it. If you are in a position to speak with your ex, you could pass on how DD feels upset and left out and ask if it is something they are going to do regularly. Perhaps point out how these kind of things can build resentment between half siblings.

Loonoon · 12/10/2018 09:30

I can quite see why your daughter would feel put out at this, jealousy of a younger sibling is universal and particularly so when they live in separate households. However your DH and his partner are being quite reasonable here, your DD doesn’t live with them full time so cannot participate 100% in household activities.

As parents it is down to you and your Ex to handle this, to talk to her, to acknowledge her understandable jealousy, sadness and FOMO and help her come to terms with the situation. As the resident parent you have the largest role to play in this.

Witchend · 12/10/2018 09:36

I understand why you/her are upset.

However it's not UR of them to go away. As others have pointed out, holiday with baby in term time is very different to holiday with baby and 10yo in school holidays on lots of fronts.

And it's nice to treat one child on their own too. I have 3 dc and make sure they all have treats that are just theirs. Dd2 is going off for the weekend with dh in a few weeks. I've taken dd1 to the theatre last weekend, and ds and me sometimes sneak out and have breakfast out just us, as one set of examples.
They know that they all get treats, so generally don't complain if the other has one. Sometimes they say they'd really have liked to do that, and I make a note and perhaps take them on their own to do that or similar next time.

ohreallyohreallyoh · 12/10/2018 09:43

My half sister comes on every holiday we go on, and then gets a holiday with her mum aswell, aibu to think its unfair she gets more holidays than me?

Yes. Your half sister has a foot in two families, you don't. She is absolutely entitled to enjoy downtime with both mum and dad.

FFS.

seeyouhen · 12/10/2018 09:45

YABU(sorry).

DDs DF and I split about 3.5 years ago. He has taken her abroad in the summer 3x in that time - twice alone and 1x with his new 'family'

Your DD has had 3 holidays in 3 years with your ex. It won't do any harm to miss one holiday due to being in school.

ConkerGame · 12/10/2018 09:51

I’m really surprised by these responses. At 10 years old I would have been gutted if my dad had gone on holiday with his girlfriend and new baby without me.

I think her father should be more sensitive in the first year of her getting used to having a sibling at least and only go on holidays with both children. A 10 year old won’t underestand it being an adults holiday, they will just feel rejected and left out

SD1978 · 12/10/2018 09:55

They have given perfectly reasonable reasons as to why they are not taking her on this occasion. She's not off and she wouldn't want to go that long. They can't just sit around and do nothing forever with the baby unless she is also there- and they will be taking her away for a length of time she's more comfortable with in the summer. Is it an EOW arrangement? Will the time away even affect the time she is to spend with her dad? I be explaining to her that and reiterating that dads reasons are quite reasonable, and that you will support her in understanding them.

Rebecca36 · 12/10/2018 09:55

It seems fair enough to me. I'm very pleased your ex and his partner are so involved with your daughter, encourage her not to be upset about them going away without her because they do go away with her quite a lot and will continue to do so. You can take a baby anywhere at any time but a big girl has to go to school and two weeks, at her age, is quite a long time to be away from mum.

You all sound very nice btw.

ShalomJackie · 12/10/2018 09:58

YABU

I assume you take your DD away and won't be taking their half sibling (and I am no way saying that you should before anyone jumps on this).

The fact is life is different now - she gets to do stuff with you and with them and sometimes they get to do stuff without her too!

KC225 · 12/10/2018 09:58

You should call your ex and tell him how upset DD is. He is entitled to go on holiday but you shouldn't have to mop up the over spill from his lack of insensitivity. He needs to reassure her that she will not be pushed out etc.

Although the post above makes a good point about the resident parent - usually mums not planning a holiday during school time and if they did would the other parent take on full responsibility for those two weeks.

flamingofridays · 12/10/2018 10:00

Yes. Your half sister has a foot in two families, you don't. She is absolutely entitled to enjoy downtime with both mum and dad

and that child is just as entitled to enjoy downtime too, the fact that her dad has another child doesn't mean that one should miss out..

llangennith · 12/10/2018 10:01

Your DD is probably imagining a holiday that will involve doing all the things she'd love and has no idea what a two week holiday with a baby is like in reality.
You need to acknowledge her feelings but not let her indulge in her woes. Explain that this is one holiday she can't go on as it's in school time and that she has the later holiday to look forward to. An important lesson all children need to learn is that life isn't always fair but you just have to get on with it.

C8H10N4O2 · 12/10/2018 10:10

DD needs to be told not to be so self indulgent and of course they won’t take her out of school for two weeks

yes how dare a 10 yr old express disappointment at anything when they should be grateful if they live in a carboard box.

OP its not unnatural for a 10 yr old to feel they are missing out compared to a new sibling, especially if that sibling is part of a new family and the holiday means less time with her DF.
Encourage her to look forward to the Summer holiday which will have her likes/wishes factored in and other times she will spend with the new baby.

They are not unreasonable for wanting a holiday for more than a week. . A bit of anxiety/envy around a new sibling is not unreasonable either.

twiglet · 12/10/2018 10:18

Whilst I can understand that your DD is upset because she feels she is missing out the reality is with a baby it's likely to be a more grown up holiday. What you do with a baby is very different from entertaining a 10 Yr old.

I think it's a case of explaining to her that their family holiday is in the summer and that just as she gets separate holidays with you that it's the same for the baby.

She is going to have to get used to it though either due to agreement or you guys being on holiday etc means that she won't be able to go on every holiday that her dad and baby sister go on. But in reverse they don't come with you both so it's explaining it gently.

I do think it's a bit unreasonable to change their holidays to a peak time when she will have a summer holiday.

OhComeOnRon · 12/10/2018 10:29

YABU - I think the main point here is that your DD doesn't want to go for 2 weeks - but you and her would expect that because she doesn't want to go for that length of time then no-one else can? You need to manage her expectations.

We've never gone on holiday without SS since our DD arrived, however his mother waits for us to arrange to take him away before booking her own abroad holiday every year without him.

I don't think they can be expected to not do anything that doesn't include your DD when she isn't there full time.

KittensAndCake · 12/10/2018 10:29

Whilst I feel sorry for your DD, I do think she's got to get used to it because as the baby grows there will be trips to the zoo, days out etc that she won't always be able to go on.
As a pp said, they cannot put their lives on hold and only do things when it's their turn to have your DD.

Also YABU and sound a bit bitter for saying his new 'family'

dickiedavisthunderthighs · 12/10/2018 10:33

I have two DSS's who live primarily with their mum. They come on every holiday we take apart from one week that DH and I have in January term time on our own.
This summer we had our first two week holiday in many years which we all loved, apart from older DSS who said that it felt a bit too long.
I explained to him that I could totally understand as he's in the bigger picture of a six week holiday, but that for me and Daddy it's our only break of the summer so it's important to us that we have two weeks.
Next summer he can decide if he wants to do the whole two weeks, or just one, but we will still go for two weeks. Holidays are about what everyone in the family needs/wants, not just one.

NeedsAsockamnesty · 12/10/2018 10:44

you immediately started the thread with 'family', which shows you already are still bitter. YES that is also her family, YES your ex can go on to have more children, which you also seem quite bitter about

I wondered how long it would take for the bitter word to pop up.

People can do shit that alters and changes their kids lives and it’s ok to be upset by that, it’s not ok to be silly about it and do anything about it but it is ok to feel negative thoughts about it. Why use it (and it’s usually aimed at women) as in insult.

It’s also ok to be upset about your kid being upset, obviously you then need to help her manage that upset appropreatly and let her know it’s ok for dad to go on a holiday without her because it is.

flamingofridays · 12/10/2018 10:57

saying 'family' does sound bitter though doesn't it, why are they not family?

CheerfulMuddler · 12/10/2018 11:24

I think you are being unreasonable. I like the idea of appealing to her sense of fairness - you get one holiday with Mummy (the family you live with) and one holiday with Daddy (the family you don't live with) and the baby gets the same - one holiday with you (the family she doesn't live with) and one holiday with the family she does live with. And it is a bit sad that we can't do everything together, but it's also nice because you and Mummy get to do big-girl things on your holiday, and Daddy and the baby get to do silly baby things on the baby's holiday, and then you have a holiday where you're all together where you get to do sister things all together too. Aren't you lucky!

Or something.

CheerfulMuddler · 12/10/2018 11:29

(Sorry, my child is 3, so just realised that language is completely age-inappropriate. But I do think the fairness thing is the way to go.)

Original poster

Pancake1980 · 12/10/2018 11:48

I didn’t mean ‘family’ in a bitter way I was just emphasising it wasn’t an ‘adult’ holiday like the one they went on before the new baby was born that’s all.

Yes I think you are all right it’s just tough to see DD upset. They are thinking of going to Cape Verde and I said to DD where would you like to go on holiday - and she said nowhere really - actually I really want to go to Cape Verde - this is clearly just because they’re going there hardly a holiday a 10yo would want to go on lol.

When I’ve said to her about 2 weeks being a long time she just insists she won’t be homesick even though we all know she will. She is just looking at it from a I want a holiday view rather than practically as she’s a child I guess.

OP posts:

melj1213 · 12/10/2018 11:55

It's understandable that your DD is upset by not being included but this is the reality of being a blended family - sometimes there will be things she is left out of for no other reason than logistics and the fact she doesn't live with her dad full time.

It will be hard as this is your DD's first experience of being "left out" but at 10 she is old enough to understand that she doesn't live with her dad full time so there are going to be things he does with her baby sister when she isn't there and that isn't wrong for him to want to do that.

When you have multiple children what is fair is not always what is equal. So DD may not get to participate in every trip/holiday/event but equally it wouldn't be fair for her sister to only be able to do activities/go on holiday etc when DD is with them.

Original poster

Pancake1980 · 13/10/2018 07:23

Mel that is true. It’s just quite hard explaining it to a child when all she sees is ‘he’s my dad too I want to go on holiday too’ :( I’m sure as she gets older she’ll hopefully understand it a little better

OP posts:

melj1213 · 13/10/2018 15:21

It’s just quite hard explaining it to a child when all she sees is ‘he’s my dad too I want to go on holiday too’

But at 10 she is old enough to understand that her dad is going to do stuff while she is not with him and you don't always get exactly what you want.

My DD is 10 and her dad and I have been separated for years. Neither of us have had other children but DD knows that sometimes she will miss out on doing things because she's not with that parent or because of school or other logistics etc.

You need to redirect her attention away from missing out on that one trip and remind her of all the stuff you do with her and perhaps agree a couple of treats you'll do together while her dad is away (maybe a day trip or a pamper day or sleepover etc) to distract her attention.

If you let her make a big deal out of it then it is only going to get harder the more events that her dad's new family unit do without her and, as her little sister grows up and starts having her own social commitments, those events are more than likely going to increase in number.

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