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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend visiting, who's paying for meals?

39 replies

MenaMecca · 18/09/2018 13:07

A friend is visiting from overseas and staying with us. I will provide the meals at home, but we will also be doing some sight seeing.

WIBU to expect we go dutch when we eat outside / while on tour?

How do I broach this?

OP posts:

Thatstheendofmytether · 18/09/2018 13:09

If I went to visit a friend I would definitely offer to pay my share when eating put especially if they are providing good in their home.
I don't think you will need to even bring it up, if your friend doesn't offer to pay their share then they are a right cf. I really don't think anyone would expect that.

Mrsharrison · 18/09/2018 13:09

"I'm a bit hard up at the moment. Can we go dutch?"

Hont1986 · 18/09/2018 13:09

I would expect that you would pay for yourselves, apart from one meal where she treats you as a thank you for letting her stay. At least that's what I would do in her position.

TheEmmaDilemma · 18/09/2018 13:11

When I stay with my best friend abroad I do a shop with her at least once and I treat her to dinner at least once while I'm there to cover my costs.

Original poster

MenaMecca · 18/09/2018 13:14

I'm planning to provide all meals at home, and two meals out - welcome meal and the last meal out.

She will be staying with me for eight days, and we will be travelling out of town for three days additional.

OP posts:

aperolspritzplease · 18/09/2018 13:14

I would assume to pay for myself out, contribute towards meals / shopping in the house and probably pay for a meal out as a thank you.

maxelly · 18/09/2018 13:17

It would definetely be normal to split the bill in the UK (or even for your friend to offer to pay the full bill as a thank you for her stay). But depending on where overseas she is from you may need to do the un-British thing of talking to her about it as different cultures can have different expectation on 'hosting' - e.g. in my ILs culture it is very much the done thing that the host provides all food, it would probably be considered rude for the guest to offer to pay as it would be taken as implying the hosts were too poor to feed them (although to be fair they would also be unlikely to take a guest to a restaurant in the first place). So unless you really don't mind who pays and it isn't already clear, best to politely check in advance?

zucchinicourgette · 18/09/2018 13:17

Hont’s approach is usual ime. I’d be amazed if she was expecting you to pay for all her meals out.

DayManChampionOfTheSun · 18/09/2018 13:18

I wouldn't even consider not paying my way when visiting friends, if I was staying for more that 3 nights or so, I would offer to pay for a take away one night too (no one would want me cooking)

If your friend expects you to pay, then, as above, they are a cheeky fucker.

SoyDora · 18/09/2018 13:18

I imagine she’ll just assume she’ll pay her way when out and about. Is there any reason to think she won’t?

reluctantbrit · 18/09/2018 13:24

We normally pay for at least one decent meal out or a large take away as a thank you when we stay somewhere. We also often pay for shopping if there is the need.

Similar when friends come to us. I never had to say something.

serbska · 18/09/2018 13:26

As a visitor (and host) I would expect to go dutch on meals out. I woudl expect the host to provide food at home. The visitor shoudl bring a hostess gift. The visitor shoudl take the host and family out for a thank you meal and pay.

pasturesgreen · 18/09/2018 13:27

With my group of friends the arrangement is whoever hosts covers all meals both at home and out, guests come with (sizeable) gifts and treat everyone to dinner out once during their stay. So yes, I'd definitely say something, bright and breezy, Mrsharrison's suggestion is good.

SoyDora · 18/09/2018 13:30

When we go and stay with people we’d always go Dutch when out about, and cover at least one nice meal out or take away for everyone. Same arrangement when people stay with us.

SoyDora · 18/09/2018 13:30

Oh and we obviously take gifts for the host/hostess.

Mamadothehump · 18/09/2018 13:38

When we stay with friends and go out for meals, we always go halves. Wouldn't enter our heads not to and would certainly refuse if they offered to pay the full amount. Any "top up" shops that are needed when we are there, we will pay for. Oh, and we take a shit load of booze with us. Our friends do exactly the same when they stay with us too.

Can't believe anyone would be so cheeky as to expect a week of freebies!! Actually, according to many stories on here, I take that back!!!!

Barbayagar · 18/09/2018 13:40

If I'm being hosted by friends I would pay for at least one of the meals out as a thank you, no question.

BookMeOnTheSudExpress · 18/09/2018 13:41

It depends. I live abroad and often visit people in the UK and have visitors from the UK. The host tends to pay for more meals out, if we're here then we pay. If we're there, then they pay. I recently stayed with my cousin for a week, and we only went out once to eat- I paid.

I've never found myself either here or there in a go-Dutch situation.

SleepingStandingUp · 18/09/2018 13:41

I just wondered when we go out later if you want to just split the bill in half or pay for our own

Havaina · 18/09/2018 13:45

Please don't assume she'll pay her way. Some people think they should get a free stay in your home as well as meals out.

The way I deal with this is having plenty of cash - £20, £10, £5 and coins. Then the bill comes, I put half of the total on the table and then I would just say: 'There's my share. Are you paying by cash or card?'

If you know the other person is a tight tipper, then only put your cash tip down on the table after the other person has paid.

And if she offers to pay for you, ACCEPT, don't do the polite British declining thing. You're having her in your house for 8 days, you deserve a treat.

Snowymountainsalways · 18/09/2018 13:45

Yes just spilt the bill when it comes provided you have had roughly the same. I would not pay for the first meal out as you will set the precedent.

Make the first welcome meal at home and then make plans with her for the rest of the week. Days out and meals out etc. Ask her if she is on a budget where she would most like to eat etc.

Havaina · 18/09/2018 13:46

I just wondered when we go out later if you want to just split the bill in half or pay for our own

Too many 'justs' in there. OP is going her the favour, she doesn't need to be so apologetic.

Mitzimaybe · 18/09/2018 13:49

"Ask her if she is on a budget where she would most like to eat etc."

This is a great way to broach the subject! "I'm planning a meal out, there's a really good xx restaurant but it's expensive; would you be OK with around £xx each or would you rather go somewhere cheaper?"

WeeMadArthur · 18/09/2018 13:59

Maybe it’s different because it’s family, but when we go to stay with DM she feeds us at home ( we would offer to get a takeout or pay for a grocery shop as well) but if we are out and about we would pay for any meals and treats. I wouldn’t expect her to cover that at all, it’s not like we’ve booked an all inclusive holiday!

TownHall · 18/09/2018 14:01

This sounds about right. Obviously no set rules as it would depend who it is, how flush they were, etc etc etc.

We’ve had some incredibly cheeky visitors and some lovely ones. One of the best was a friend who stayed for a long while. We had a chat about expenses beforehand and all knew exactly what to expect. It’s so much better than silent resentment.

I find a lot of guests go into holiday mode when they are on holiday and expect me to cater for them even through I’m busy with my day to day things.

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