Friend visiting, who's paying for meals?

[MenaMecca]

A friend is visiting from overseas and staying with us. I will provide the meals at home, but we will also be doing some sight seeing.

WIBU to expect we go dutch when we eat outside / while on tour?

How do I broach this?

I would insist on paying for myself as minimum but at least once i would want to take you out to thank you for having me.

Is your visitor from the US? If so, you REALLY need to clear this up/have a strategy.

When we were in the US we had friends that we weren't even staying with try to pay for everything and I really didn't want them to do that. I was mortified and worried about how I could repay them and also feeling like I just didn't 'get' what was expected of me (I am from the US originally.)

Conversely, I have had US friends here assume that I am paying for the lot when they come to stay. One friend started coming twice a year. Even the meals at home was a challenge - no stews, rice or pasta dishes - it had to be individual pieces of meat with everything. Not even offering to pay/contribute to for a take away that arrived. And no meal to thank us. I backed away when we were at Blenheim purchasing tickets...honestly, it got ridiculous.

Some people have the idea they'll extend the same hospitality to you "when you visit them" but we are not paying for four airline tickets to [this US city where this friend lives] any time soon and wouldn't be able to stay in her one bed in any case. Interestingly, when I was in this city for work on my own she was suddenly too busy to meet up...

That same work trip I was meeting with uni friends , one of whom assumed that my company would be picking up the tab for a meal for nine (no.) Also stung by an American colleague and his wife for a £300 meal when they were in London. My husband paid sort of by accident; he thought we were splitting it. Suddenly, no card was coming out and it was 'thanks so much.'

I probably sound like a stingy cow but I do think that 'the rational assumption' that you'd go Dutch on days out/food costs when you're visiting someone is not in fact universal.

Splitting meals out seems totally fair, I wouldn't expect anything else.

Gosh OVienna I have exactly the opposite problem with a set of American friends who get up to all sorts of nonsense in order to put their credit card first - paying when they go to the loo, paying in advance. That's both when we stay with them and when we stay here. It's actually acutely embarrassing and DH won't go out with them now.

Did you specifically encourage them to stay? So, for example there is another family who visits from South America. We paid for all of us to see a show in London as to be honest - again, I am not sure when we'd ever get there (they are financially in a much different league to us) but I am so grateful they make the effort to come. I also picked up other expenses. Because in that case the airfare alone to come to us is gigantic. The other visitor I mention I am certain wouldn't have been so minded to reconnect with me if we'd be based in a provincial city she wasn't that bothered about seeing. She would do things like say: "I treated myself to front row seats to [x] because I don't have the accommodation costs, etc." It sounds like because you asked you are worried the visitor may be a CF by nature. Only you know that.

But Lonny that is what happened in the US with those other friends. I know what you mean about your DH wanting to keep away - I feel like there is some unwritten code I don't understand.

Oh, also we’re going out of town for three days - she paid for the hotel (2 nights). So she’s staying with me for 9 days in total, but we have an out of town trip in between for 3d 2n.

Yeah I'd pay for some meals then, if she paid for the hotel.

If she paid for the hotel then I’d probably stump up for some meals out while you’re away.

Yeah that's a pretty big drip feed, if she's paid for your stay in a hotel for two nights.

I'd expect to provide food at home as a host, but if she's paid for two nights in a hotel, then you providing first and last meal put seems good. I'm not sure it's comparable to the two nights in a hotel though.

But I'd expect her to go Dutch on some meals, yes.

Or just split the hotel AND the meals?

Ok so what if I pay for all meals (home and out) when I’m in my hometown but out of town is Dutch?

Dear friend, when we go out to x, y and z place during your stay do you want to take a picnic type lunch or buy yourself something there? It'll be easy enough to eat out, we probably will do, but need to know in case we need to buy picnic type stuff beforehand.

Would asking something like this work?

When visiting friends abroad. I kind of expect them to provide breakfast. I would pay one meal for my friend as a thank you and rest I would pay my own way and friend would pay hers.