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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

RUNNING AWAY WHEN PREGNANT

36 replies

Justifythis · 18/08/2018 13:30

I'm pregnant and am leaving my abusive partner to raise the baby alone without him knowing and trying to convince me to have an abortion.

Am I wrong?

OP posts:
PhoebefromFriends · 18/08/2018 13:32

You are definitely not BU. Do you have any RL support? What is your financial situation?

Merryoldgoat · 18/08/2018 13:33

YADNBU - good luck and I hope you get away safely.

I might be tempted to tell him you have had a miscarriage so he doesn’t come looking for the baby.

silkpyjamasallday · 18/08/2018 13:34

You should contact women's aid, they will be able to help you. You are making the best decision for yourself and your baby, I wish you all the luck in the world. Flowers

Original poster
Justifythis · 18/08/2018 13:35

He has no idea. My finances are OK, I have a plan for money I'm worried about having to one day explain to the child

OP posts:
HelpmeobiMN · 18/08/2018 13:35

You aren’t wrong. Do you have support? Family / friends who will help? If not then women’s aid or refuge will help. You can do this, you will be ok.

Seniorschoolmum · 18/08/2018 13:36

No of course not.

It helps to separate out the three elements here. Do you want to continue your relationship? Do you want to continue to live with your partner? Do you want to keep the baby?
You aren’t running away. You are making a grown up decision to leave and to raise your child on your own.

If that is what you want, and you are committed to it, how can it be wrong?

Once you are away, and your baby is safe, you can make a decision about whether to tell him about the child, but if you believe yourself to be at risk now, leaving is the only sensible thing to do.

HelpmeobiMN · 18/08/2018 13:36

Your child will be loved by you - that’s enough. Make sure you’re safe in the meantime and worry about future bridges when you cross them.

Topseyt · 18/08/2018 13:36

Not wrong at all.

Good luck, and stay safe.

Original poster
Justifythis · 18/08/2018 13:37

I love this site. Thanks for your responses so far.

I'm going to stay with family until back on my feet.

OP posts:
onalongsabbatical · 18/08/2018 13:58

Well, your baby has a brave and courageous mum, and you’ll work out what to tell them when the time comes because all of that stuff is just part of being a parent. Good for you, OP. You’re doing great already!

Winkybum · 18/08/2018 14:14

I wish I had done this. It took me 8 years. Believe me, I wish I had left when I was pregnant. Would have been so much easier all round. Flowers

Harpstrings · 18/08/2018 14:25

With regard to leaving, make it sooner rather than later so that the timings will be easier to deny if your partner discovers that you are/were pregnant & suspects the baby is his. Can you move away from this area completely & come off all social media? Change your surname before you register the birth, so he has a completely different one if searched for online?

Keep a diary that you can read with your child when they are old enough to ask questions. Proof that all your decisions were made with his safety & yours uppermost in your mind at all times. That love for your baby but fear of his fathers actions made this necessary in order to protect him.

Good luck OP, stay safe.

BuntyII · 18/08/2018 14:26

I'm very proud of you OP you are doing a wonderful thing for your child.

Pickleypickles · 18/08/2018 14:31

I did exactly this OP. Best decision I ever made. I blocked him from my life ignored all attempts to contact me and have had zero contact since I fled. I have a beautiful 18 month old and am honestly the happiest I've ever been with general life.

Be strong you can do this 🙂Flowers

Binkytheslug · 18/08/2018 14:34

You’re not wrong. You’re doing an incredible thing. I was in an abusive marriage for 18 years until I met the woman who saved me. That first step is the biggest and you’ve taken that. Women’s aid helped me, they gave me counselling and pointed me in the direction of help for men. Talk to your midwife. There will be a dedicated DV midwife you can contact. If not, speak to the safeguarding lead- they will help with an action plan for you and your baby in the long term. They will also point you in the direction of those who can help. I wish you all the luck in the world. It’s not easy. My DW is the most wonderful person I’ve met- she escaped an abusive marriage too, and we support each other. We will live with it forever, but we get stronger every time we beat the demons when they come.

SandyY2K · 18/08/2018 14:38

My explanation would be (if asked) ...your father was abusive and I left while pregnant to keep us both safe from harm.

toothtruth · 18/08/2018 14:40

Do not be manipulated into putting his name on the birth certificate. I just say this as a warning as you may think to yourself 'its the right thing to do as hes the dad' but if this man is abusive it will give him power over you and the child that he does not deserve. For example you may then end up needing his permission to take the child abroad, having to pass on school info etc...
If you leave his name off he would actually have to do the work to get it on there and actually show an interest in the situation from the get go.

YANBU you are doing the best thing for your child Flowers Flowers

HoppingPavlova · 18/08/2018 14:41

You are not wrong. You are so right.
Sounds so trite in the situation but stay strong and best wishes.

ColdTattyWaitingForSummer · 18/08/2018 14:42

Even if you are staying with family I would still recommend contacting women’s aid. They are absolutely amazing at supporting women who have been victims of all kinds of abuse, as well as their children.
Well done on getting away OP. Your child will be so much better off away from an abusive relationship. x

Saffy60 · 18/08/2018 14:43

Well done. You are doing the right thing. Be strong. Be safe. If you believe he would be a bad influence, or a danger to you or your child then he need never know and don't register him as the father.

imnotreally · 18/08/2018 14:44

Well done. Are you married? If not then the love of everything you hold dear do NOT put his name on the birth certificate. It would give him PR and a means of control.

Babdoc · 18/08/2018 14:48

Your child will not miss a father he has never known. It doesn’t really matter what explanation you give in the future. Just focus on getting yourself safe and established in the here and now. Much better to have a good single mum than grow up in an abusive household.
Good luck, OP. My prayers for your happy future life.

Worldmap · 18/08/2018 14:51

I wish I had knowing what I know now. 6 years of hell through the court system because he had 'rights'. Unfortunately he didn't do the 'responsible' bits.

Do not put his name on the certificate. Totally agree with that one.

If I could go back in time and save myself and the children the trauma of repeated SW visits, Cafcass, endless court cases and having to abide by the ruling, even when it was wrong, forcing the children to visit. I utterly admire you and wish you all the best. Don't let him find you or the child EVER. That is the biggest blessing you can give your child.

Binkytheslug · 18/08/2018 14:53

I echo what is being said about PR. It’s a bloody minefield. We are trying to get it for me with DSD (at her request), but he has to agree. It can be done without agreement, but it’s not easy. She doesn’t want him to have it because it will hand control back to him if anything happens to her mum. Taking PR away involves courts, solicitors, reports, etc, because you have to prove he is unfit to have PR. It’s much easier to keep him off the birth certificate. Putting him on it gives him the means to keep up coercive control.

AnoukSpirit · 18/08/2018 14:53

And once you're out: www.freedomprogramme.co.uk