Did I undermine DH, was I right to?

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So this morning DH was giving DC breakfast while I was upstairs. For context DDs are 1 and 5. I could hear elder DD crying and refusing to eat her toast because her DS was sat in her chair. DH was just getting cross and telling her it didn’t matter. I came downstairs, put younger DD in her own chair, older DD got in her chair, no tears, everyone eating breakfast, order restored.

However DH got angry because I undermined him. I can see his point and on the whole we try and support the others decision in front of the children. That said I agreed with older DD and don’t think we should give younger DD whatever she want just because she’s younger.

Was I wrong? Should I have let the tears continue just to support DH in a decision I didn’t agree with?

Yes you undermined him, not suprised he was pissed off. Do you have an air of 'I know better' in other areas too?

In what way was it her chair. One she favours and all the others are the same or was it her chair specifically.
If it was the latter I would have done the same. Why have ww3 and make everyone go off to work etc feeling in a shitty mood when there is a simple solution. Yanbu

I try not to pinky, no. Like I said we try not to undermine each other but in this instance it seemed like he was taking the easy route to placate younger DD. Genuinely not sure about how I handled it though, hence why I asked. If I had a general air of ‘I know better’ I would probably be fairly comfortable with my handling of the situation!

I think breakfast times are busy and rushed and I personally wouldn't allow faffing about who sits where, so I'm with your DP.
You did undermine him after he'd clearly said the girls were to stay put and eat breakfast.

Thatssome, it’s one of those wooden chairs that grow with the child. They both have their own and older DD has put stickers all over hers.

I'm with your dh. You totally undermined him completely unnecessarily and you're accusing him of pandering to the younger dc for an easy life, when in fact he was just telling them to stop whinging about chairs and eat the bloody food - you were the one fannying about changing seats pandering to the older one. You were in the wrong here.

I'm afraid I'm with your dh. I can't be arsed with the 'that's my cup' etc, and don't tolerate it.

Yes, YABU. You could have spoken to him afterwards about how you felt but you definitely undermined him in the moment. I would be very unhappy in his shoes.

YANBU. What you did worked better and actually saved him hassle.

My two have certain chairs labelled theirs and always sit there and if one sat in the other one would moan like yours did. So no I don't think you undermined him you just resolved the situation.

I don't blame him. I'd have been upset too. He was doing the right thing IMO.

He's making a huge row over a small detail, isn't he?
There's a time and a place to discuss parenting, and in front of the kids when they are supposed to be eating breakfast isn't it.

I don't think your DH understand why kids sometimes need things that are their own, and routines. Or why you don't let one child undermine the other, and you dont support them when they do that.

Yanbu. My kids have their spaces they sit in and if my son steals my daughter's space he has to move.
Your DH should get over himself.

But it's her chair though...
I would have done the same and told him to make sure they both sit in there own chairs to avoid things like this in the future. My dh wouldn't have made such a rookie mistake anyway but then we have dc with autism so using their own chairs and things avoids major meltdowns before we've even left the house because they require things to be consistent or it sets them up to have a bad day.

They have their own seats & should be able to sit in their own seats - i have 3 DDs & know that they cannot sit in each other's places & all the chairs are exactly the same! In fact they always sit at the same places at the table

Your DH should know this already - YANBU!

See I don't think you were in the wrong, although I can understand why your DH felt undermined.

Yes, chairs/cups/whatever is a small issue, but actually, if one of my DDs had sat in the other one's chair it would have been done to annoy and disrupt, and I absolutely would be nipping that in the bud, not just shouting about the fuss and saying to eat up.

I have two DDs with a similar age gap who are older, and pull this type of shit all the time to wind the other up.

My eldest son has autism and has to sit in 'his' chair at meal times. His 2 much younger siblings know this and know they cant sit there. There is no drama or tears about it. Thats his seat.

I know you daughter probably doesn't have autism but i don't see why she should have to lose 'her' seat afyer 5 yrs just because another child has come into the house.

Your husband stamping his feet and demanding a 5 yr old just get over it is very childish. And now he is sulking because you solved the problem when he couldn't. You should tell your husband to grow up.

I think you were right but yeah you did undermine him and maybe you should have talked about it with him later when the kids weren't listening instead of just totally over ruling his decisions in front of the kids

If a parent is causing fights over food then intervening to smooth it over isn't a bad idea.

Your five year old was over reacting, it seems like a non issue but if your DH has brought it up in such extreme terms I would be inclined to think there is a pattern of behaviour whereby he feels like you are always right and he is always wrong. Maybe look at the bigger picture and talk to him about why he has had such a strong reaction. Maybe he is trying to teach your older child that you can't always get what you want?

Why doesn't he know about the chairs, if she has decorated it and everything, you need to get him to pay more attention to his kids, he should know this stuff its important.

I think you are right to say that given they have their own chairs they should sit in them

However given your DH had already started telling your daughter to move I would have gone with it and talked about it afterwards because yes, you did undermine him and I think that should be avoided as far as possible.

I don't see the undermining issue in circumstances like you describe. If it was me and someone found a peaceful solution I'd be glad. Sometimes you get drawn into a fuss with.children and miss the easy way out. It's ok to listen to DC. Your 5 year old was upset. I don't think you always have to prove your in charge. Sounds like he pitted himself against her.

OP, there is an air of "I better sail in and restore order as ONLY I CAN DO". I am sypathetic because I've found I've done exactly the same kind of thing. Stuff that perhaps is totally instinctive to you perhaps isn't to your DH.

However, you did undermine him, and you really must let your DH get on with things his way. It may drive you bananas, and there may be screams, but in the long run, it's a good thing that your DH deals with the DC without intervention from you.

Were you the one who was going to have to try take ratty, angry DD1 and smug, triumphant DD2 somewhere afterwards, and manage that situation? I recognise this situation so well! DD2 was playing up, deliberately winding up her sister. DH was letting her, because he either couldn't be arsed taking on DD2's behaviour, or he didn't understand what was going on. You didn't 'undermine' him. You stopped DD2 from being a pita to her sister, calmed the situation, and got everyone eating their breakfast in peace. Matter resolved. Day can continue as normal.

I'd apologise, as you've clearly hurt his feelings, which wasn't your intention. However, point out that letting the baby get away with anything is not helpful, either short term or long term.