Did I undermine DH, was I right to?

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So this morning DH was giving DC breakfast while I was upstairs. For context DDs are 1 and 5. I could hear elder DD crying and refusing to eat her toast because her DS was sat in her chair. DH was just getting cross and telling her it didn’t matter. I came downstairs, put younger DD in her own chair, older DD got in her chair, no tears, everyone eating breakfast, order restored.

However DH got angry because I undermined him. I can see his point and on the whole we try and support the others decision in front of the children. That said I agreed with older DD and don’t think we should give younger DD whatever she want just because she’s younger.

Was I wrong? Should I have let the tears continue just to support DH in a decision I didn’t agree with?

Thanks everyone, there are mixed views by the looks of things. To put the record straight me and DH didn’t have a big argument about me undermining him, yes he snapped at me but I do see his point. I think older DD was in the right but I’m undecided over whether I should have got involved. When I pointed out that her fair was ‘personalised’ he did actually apologise to her.

I suppose I’m asking so I do the right thing moving forwards.

Yest you undermined him. Yes you were being unreasonable. Children need to learn that sometimes they need to be quiet and do what's been asked of them.

why is there always someone who mentions autism?

I think it's a case of 'pick your battles' and you disagreed on whether to pick this one. I wouldn't worry about it.

I think its all in how you handle it. Clearly DD shouldnt have had her chair swiped by DS chancing his arm, and DH should have delt with that swiftly to restore order. But you coming in and rearranging what he was already doing was potentially undermining him.

If you had come in and gone. Goodness what a lot of fuss DD. Why are you making such a huge noise, can I help you work this out with Daddy and DS. Then you are coming in as a mediator and not as an over ruler.

I think it's perfectly acceptable for a child to have their own seat and that you were okay to point that out.

You those that say that they 'can't be arsed' with the own cup, own seat stuff - adults often have their own things so why can't a child? I sit in my seat and drink tea from my favourite mug in the morning , granted I wouldn't cry if someone sat in my seat but I'm not 5 and like to think that I'm a little more grown up about this stuff.

Sorry to slightly derail but I often think there's a double standard at play when an adult lays down the law with a child.

Massive overreaction from the husband and a few of the posters on here, kids fed and happy = good result from my point of view. Husband could have just put them in their chairs at the beginning which would have solved the problem.

Do you have an air of 'I know better' in other areas too? Dick comment but what OP did, worked so......

I can see why he felt you should have backed him up but I can also see why you'd go for the quick solution so everyone ate their breakfast.

Given your younger DD is 1, presumably your DH put her in the wrong chair in the first place! I don't think you were unreasonable at all in moving them about - peace restored and they're getting on with breakfast. I can see the pov that your DH had re being undermined but don't see it as a major issue.

Oh, and I don't think you come across as having an air of superiority at all - you seem like you genuinely want opinions on how you handled this.

At the end of the day while we all want to back up our partners in parenting our kids, stuff like this just happens. Daily in most households!

A child being fed is more important than a grown mans feelings.

By any chance, did your DH put the younger dd in the older dd chair?? Maybe thinking it wouldnt be a big deal?
At that age, my dcs would have been most upset to not be in ‘their’ chair. And as the older dd has decorated hers, it really has become ‘hers’ iyswim. Hence the fact I think she was in her right to be upset. And why it was right to put he back in the ‘right’ chair.

As far as I am concerned, you weren’t wrong that swapping the children around was the easy option (and also the right one for the older dd).
I know I would have left my DH handling it. But not because I would have undermined him. But because he clearly needs to learn on his own that some stuff aren’t working. Takes more time and is more tiring (in this case his option).
I would have told him AFTER that I thought we should respect each DD’s chairs and give them the right one. And that dd1 was in her right to be upset about it.
And i would have left him handling the whole morning (so b’fast, getting the dcs ready etc etc with a really upset child too aka actually feeling the consequence of his decision)

I think it's a case of 'pick your battles' and you disagreed on whether to pick this one.

I was just coming to post this exact response. Personally I would have been with you in the "not a battle worth picking" camp, but since your DH was already mid battle I would probably have left him to it and had a quiet word afterwards. Unless, as someone else asked, it was you who was going to have to deal with the fall out by taking a hungry angry child out somewhere afterwards, in which case I would have taken him to one side and discussed it then. Anyway, you both sound like you've been pretty reasonable about it and that it's all blown over since you posted, which is great. I'd just move on and make a mental note to handle things with more diplomacy if there's a next time.

I think you were wrong to intervene.
DH and I differ greatly over how to handle situations like this but are both aware, unless one of us is prepared to make that task (bedtime, bath time etc.) exclusive to one of us, we put up with the others way of doing things.
The DC soon understand that Mummy and Daddy have different boundaries/rules.

YANBU OP. Whilst I understand DH's first thought, once he reflects, I'm sure he'll see that it was a silly thing to take a stand on. You nipped it in the bud.

Children like their own seats at the table, their own beds, own duvet covers etc. My 3DC (older incl teenagers) always have their own places at table, same chairs, but they would go mad if sibling sat in "their place". Especially if a 'special chair' is involved!

(Their not eating breakfast would be least of my worries cos mine would be trying to sit on each others laps to get "their chair" back )

Btw if you can’t be arsed with onw cup etc..l then you dint allow the child to put stickers on the chair.
By doing that, the OP HAS said loud and clear to her dd that it was now HER chair. From that point, the older dd has no reason why she should have to share it. Esp as the years under One has one anyway.

You undermined him but he was dealing with it badly as well

To answer earlier questions, yes it was going to be me taking the DC to school/nursery. The main reason I intervened was that I wanted DD to eat breakfast before going to school, otherwise I probably would have let him handle it. Also I don’t think it was DH who put younger DD in the wrong chair, she’s a bit of a climber and chairs are small fry to her . I don’t think there’s really a right answer to this one but we’re now chatting about wedding anniversary plans so fair to say it’s blown over!

why is there always someone who mentions autism

The person who mentioned autism was talking about their own child and did say "I know your DD probably doesn't have autism...". They were just sharing why their child likes their special chair. What's wrong with that? Nobody jumped in and said "If your DD will only sit in one chair at dinner time, have you considered autism?"

I think your solution was the better one, things like that are important to kids. Just because an adult decides it "doesn't matter" doesn't mean it isn't important to a child. It would be like if someone decided they'll just drive your car because it's easier, or sleep in your bed and you can sleep in theirs you wouldn't like it and it's the same for kids. That said I can see why your DH was annoyed that you overruled him without discussion. I think you could have perhaps handled it differently - maybe suggested to DH that they go in their own seats without just doing it.

Youngest dd shouldn’t have been pandered to, but your dh made that decision and therefore you shouldn’t have got involved.

No, I think YANBU.

As a family, you have obviously already allowed the DD's to each have their own designated chair so I think you have to intervene when one sibling tries to nab the other sibling's things. (I say this as the youngest of 4.)

If the chairs were simply dining room chairs that everyone plonks down on, then older DD would have had to accept that younger DD was occupying the chair she wanted and DH would have been right to focus on them eating breakfast.

yes it was going to be me taking the DC to school/nursery. The main reason I intervened was that I wanted DD to eat breakfast before going to school

In that case I think you did the right thing.

we’re now chatting about wedding anniversary plans so fair to say it’s blown over!

Glad to hear it. Enjoy the rest of your day 😊