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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think this is unacceptable by a father ?

38 replies

NewRoadToHappinessxx · 26/05/2018 23:43

5yr old twins and a 3 yr old. Tw1 sleeps on top (low) bunk at home. Arrived on holiday twin beds with one bunk over the top. Tw1 wanted bunk. At home he jumps off the bunk on to a big stool (about 18 inches). This bunk is higher and dh said to be careful. Settling them down dh says tw1 toilet so he (after 18hrs of travelling and being ill with an ear infection) jumps off to wear his stool usually is to land hitting his cheek bone on his sisters head, let out a huge scream followed by them both crying. Dh shouts ‘you stupid boy look what you’ve done, come here darling (dd) are you ok’ - I am discusted. He has a swollen face and will probably have a black eye in the morning but that apart if two of your children are hurt because of an accident (not if one has hit the other deliberately) even if he had been told you give them both love an attention right?

I think it’s just the final straw he is always first to be blamed, last to be believed and he try’s so bloody hard to please him it breaks my heart.

This is not a post as to why Eurocamp feel it is ok to sleep a 5yr old in a bunk that is over 5ft off the ground without a fixed ladder but he has accused me of BU and said I should back him up not undermine him ffs.

Give it your best shot ....

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 26/05/2018 23:56

There sounds like there’s a huge amount of back story here.

Calling a child “stupid” is really not on. Your son shouldn’t have jumped off the bunk and therefore hurt his sister so it wasn’t totally unreasonable for him to have got a bit of a stern talking to after making sure he was ok.

If you hadn’t said the other stuff about the dad always blaming him etc I’d say chalk it up to everyone being tired and grumpy after a very long day travelling.

thegreatbeyond · 26/05/2018 23:57

It's all a bit confusing.

Your H might have been shocked. Also v. Tired.

condepetie · 27/05/2018 00:25

Sounds like the child was tired and used to a much lower bunk, it's insane that a PP thinks he was in the wrong, at 5 years old, to try to get down by himself.

Your DH reacted in a horrible way, both children were hurt and it was an accident. There's no excuse for calling a child stupid for an accident like that.

KyloRenaissance · 27/05/2018 00:29

Calling a child “stupid” is really not on.

This ^^

But also this:

Your son shouldn’t have jumped off the bunk and therefore hurt his sister so it wasn’t totally unreasonable for him to have got a bit of a stern talking to after making sure he was ok.

LifeBeginsAtGin · 27/05/2018 02:51

Why travel 18 hours with two 5 year olds and a three year old Madness.

Birdsgottafly · 27/05/2018 03:15

You are all knackered and stressed. Leave it during the holiday, or all the travelling will have been for nothing.

Even if it "is the final straw", now isn't the time.

123bananas · 27/05/2018 03:16

Totally inappropriate at 5 he would not have understood the consequences of his actions. Things are often said in shock that are not meant though. Poor kids that sounds like quite a bump.

I would be keeping a close eye on both of them for potential head injuries OP, that impact would have had a lot of force from that height. If they vomit then they need to be seen by a doctor. Also keep a watch on the swelling of your sons eye and cheekbone just in case, if the swelling increases a lot overnight or he has any vision changes I would get him checked, just in case of a fracture and/or damage to the eye. I say this not to scare you, but just in case I would be finding out where the local hospital with an A&E is.

FASH84 · 27/05/2018 04:58

Are you sure this isn't gender bias from DH? Eg DD is a precious little flower who needs cuddles if she scrapes her knee, but DS should be a tough little soldier and not cry about it? Those kinds of views are very entrenched (cause emotional expression issue in boys/men) and could be leading to the different treatment, he should never have shouted and called him stupid, after checking he was ok I would understand DH saying this is why I told you to be careful..

SweetCheeks1980 · 27/05/2018 05:12

I'm sure it just flew out of his mouth by mistake, but I'm not sure why a 5 year old has been allowed to jump into a stool at home. It sounds dangerous and now this has happened.

Happyandshiney · 27/05/2018 05:13

Hmm

I have boy girl twins.

If DS had jumped off a bunk and hurt his sister he would have got a telling off (even if he’d also hurt himself). Though I wouldn’t have called him stupid, I might well have called the behaviour stupid.

He would have had a cuddle and an ice pack too, but to be honest at 5 years old I’d have expected my two to be sensible enough to be more careful.

It sounds like there may be more back story but on the basis of just this your DH isn’t entirely unreasonable.

Addy2 · 27/05/2018 05:21

People say all sorts in shock and tiredness. I'd let it go, maybe bring it up later when everyone is rested up.

PlumsGalore · 27/05/2018 05:29

And how was your DDs head? You haven't mentioned how hurt she was.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 27/05/2018 05:58

Calling a child stupid is disgusting but I do actually think your ds was very, very silly. If I'd seen that I may well have been quite cross (though I would have checked he was ok).

If this is part of a larger picture of favouritism then that's horrible.

Angrybird345 · 27/05/2018 06:00

18 hours travel....???

AlmostAJillSandwich · 27/05/2018 06:09

Well, you've been letting him jump off his bunk at home, regardless of that being on to a stool and from a lower height, its a behaviour he's used to. Just telling him not to on holiday wouldn't stop him doing it, you should have given the top bunk to your daughter (or preferably not have been letting him do this at home!) as this was an accident waiting to happen.

I can totally understand him yelling, the little girl has been hurt through no fault of her own, by your son doing something he was told not to do. Yes, he has hurt himself too, and of course check he is alright, but i don't think your DH did anything wrong. What your son did WAS stupid, and dangerous, and he'd been told not to do it. Ultimately though, it is the fault of you and your husband, for letting him do it at home.

HoofWankingSpangleCunt · 27/05/2018 06:14

How is it ok for Pps to tell off a presumably tired five year old who is used to a different scenario at Home? It was an accident. I think the shock and pain from the event negates any need to discipline him at this point. That's not to say I wouldn't be giving him a gentle reminder to look before you leap, after he'd had cuddles and as many cold things you can find applied to his face.
I would also of course be consoling and cuddling Tw2 but would stress that accidents sometimes happen when people are tired and in unfamiliar surroundings, and when they're 5, accidents are more likely. I doubt the telling off would prevent him doing it again, it will more likely that he hurt himself that will stick in his mind. And calling anyone stupid, isn't just telling off but is nasty.

I agree that there is a back story here but now is not the time. If at all possible put all your feelings about your relationship on the back burner until you get home. I'd be all jolly and excited , think kids' tv presenter, about the holiday to come.
Journeys like that can be wearisome but presumably you thought that it would be worth it for the experience of being away. (I've done the same, lovely weeks in France). Therefore please try not to let it taint the week.
Fake it till you make it Op. Try and enjoy your holiday. I bet after a good a
sleep you will all be better placed to make the most of your holiday.
Leave all the crap for your return.
I hope you all have fun. Don't let this incident negatively impact your holiday. I think you'll regret it otherwise.

StylishMummy · 27/05/2018 06:22

Are there life changing injuries?

No.

Get some sleep, move on and start tomorrow fresh

CollyWombles · 27/05/2018 06:23

Am I reading the same thread as everyone else? The D's is five, massive travelling and has an ear infection! He is five, poor little boy. He hurts himself badly but gets yelled at and called names? Disgusting.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 27/05/2018 06:31

It’s easy when you’re not the parent handling something like that to criticise how it was done. Not that your DH’s reaction was great, but presumably he has been travelling for 18 hours as well as everyone else, so was tired, had warned your DS to be careful - and then literally the first thing your DS does is not be careful, hurting his sister as a result (who you don’t seem in the least bit concerned about - I hope she’s OK). I can sympathise with a ill-judged reaction in those circumstances, and am certainly guilty of similar in the heat of the moment.

Pengggwn · 27/05/2018 07:03

He was angry with your son because your daughter got hurt when your son did something...stupid.

Stop your son jumping off his bed onto a stool. It's not very sensible.

I'm sure your DH realises there was a better way to react, but this isn't the end of the world.

Mummyoflittledragon · 27/05/2018 07:09

If you thought the top bunk was too high for 5 yos (which I think it is) you or your husband should have slept in it and have at least one of the 5 yos in the double bed.

As for calling your ds stupid. Yes that’s horrible. Is it a pattern of wider behaviour as your posts suggests? Are your dd/ds golden child/scapegoat in your dhs eyes or as a pp suggested, a tough soldier and a delicate flower?

Daddystepdaddy · 27/05/2018 07:47

5 years old is old enough to understand something, my ds is 4 and would know.

There is clearly a major back story here because on the face of it this is just a little boy doing something stupid after being told not to and getting told off for it, big deal.

missyB1 · 27/05/2018 07:52

Am I the only one thinking why on earth do OP and her OH let their 5 year old jump off the top of bunk beds??? Stop letting him do dangerous things and maybe your kids won’t get hurt!!
Ffs it wasn’t either child’s fault it was totally the parents fault.

Dobbythesockelf · 27/05/2018 08:01

Obviously you shouldn't call a child stupid but in the heat of the moment when tired I think things just slip out. What your ds did was stupid, he had been told not to jump but he still did. At 5 I would expect him to listen, I expect my 3 yr old to listen to me if I say no.
Only you know about the wider behaviour etc so I don't know if it is favouritism but I will say at no point do you mention if your dd was ok which I do find strange.

DameSquashalot · 27/05/2018 08:03

Poor boy. He did something he's used to doing all the time without thinking because it has become a habit. I'm sure plenty of adults do it all the time.

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