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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex H and new woman

35 replies

ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:08

I know I'm probably asking a stupid question but I'm sick of arguing about it need some smart answers!
Split with ex h about a month ago - rocky marriage he's been unfaithful several times. Anyhow we were still living together until a week ago while he saved up for somewhere, but he was going out every night and coming back in at 7am. Kids obviously noticing, he's seeing a woman he works with. Bearing in mind I already had my suspicions he was getting too friendly months ago when he met her.
Sooo because I wasn't willing to accept this behaviour while we were still living together (I was doing everything including all childcare) he's moved in with her and her kids. One of mine knows the situation (late teens) and is understandably pissed off. Younger one has no idea about the girlfriend. He keeps mentioning her 'being a part of his life now' and wanting a 'timescale' for when my youngest can know about her and meet her. He's been living with her two weeks. AIBU to lose my shit?? I need some smart replies to his bollocks please! He's also told me he is 'in love' with her.

OP posts:
Duchessgummybuns · 26/05/2018 07:13

Oh wow OP he moves quickly. He’s not in love with her she’s just convenient. I suspect they won’t last very long, so hopefully the situation will resolve itself but it must be weird and confusing for the kids.

Had a similar situation with my Ex, introduced his new gf to our DD then 2 weeks later he was with someone else! I was annoyed, but unfortunately there’s not much you can do other than be honest of the kids ask questions.

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:14

Thing is I don't actually want to be with him - he's controlling and emotionally abusive. But he's spending bare minimum time with the kids because he 'has nowhere to take them' he had a key to mine still until a few days ago when he came in while I was at work and started giving me shit because my house wasn't tidy!

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Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:15

I don't think he'd dare introduce them behind my back BUT he keeps mentioning it to me and I'm sick of being nice about it! He's got me over a barrel at the moment I'd be fucked financially without him, and he's emotionally blackmailing me that way

OP posts:
SweetCheeks1980 · 26/05/2018 07:21

Unfortunately, if you've split up and he sees the children he can introduce them to any new ladies he wants to, same as you could with a man.

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:21

Oh and my concerns about HER as a person around my kids when she's moved him in with hers so fuckin quickly are ridiculous apparently 🙄

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Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:24

That's the thing - I guarantee my youngest will say he's left us for her if he does that and hate him for it, which he knows. Will also take it very badly that he's got a 'new family' which oldest has already said whilst upset.

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outofmydepth45 · 26/05/2018 07:25

You need to find some control of the situation.

Start sorting the divorce and child arrangements, money needs to be sorted so you don't feel he has that card to play

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:26

He'd probably slap me if I introduced them to a man any time soon, at best he'd make my life hell.

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outofmydepth45 · 26/05/2018 07:26

Also he can take the children out, it's not the depths of winter but assume the house is still half his for the moment.

It will get better !

outofmydepth45 · 26/05/2018 07:28

If he's violent and abusive it needs reporting, get a solicitor asap so you can keep you home as a safe zone.

Don't be control by someone else's potential actions, but think about safety too !

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:31

His idea of taking the children out is an hour driving around with him. My youngest is playing up something chronic ATM and if I tell him about any meltdowns I'm 'playing games'

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Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:32

If he touches me I will be getting him arrested, but sorting access through a court hasn't even crossed his mind because he knows he's a spiteful lying twat. He has other kids he doesn't see so I shouldn't be shocked really, I was just young and stupid when I married him

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/05/2018 07:34

"That's the thing - I guarantee my youngest will say he's left us for her if he does that and hate him for it, which he knows. Will also take it very badly that he's got a 'new family' which oldest has already said whilst upset."

Well yes, your children are going to think that because in all honesty that IS exactly what he's done. You might be happy that he's inflicting himself on someone else now, but it's still what he's done.
I don't see any point in sugar-coating that.

How old is your youngest child?

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:37

Well yeah it is what he's done. Still adamant he didn't cheat though 🙄 like I'm gonna believe that.
My youngest is 9. Still asking when daddy is going to get a house so they can stay but it's never going to happen is it. Just sick of him saying 'we need a timescale' no we fucking don't just because you say your relationship is serious after a few weeks doesn't mean I'm going to inflict it on my kids you prick 😡

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Titaniumpins · 26/05/2018 07:37

Why don't you set a timescale if you still with her in 6mths and we have sorted ourselves out for the kids then they can meet. That makes you sound reasonable and gives you some breathing space. Kids need to know where they are and get used to thr new state of play not to meet dads new woman. He sounds very selfish I'm in love blah blah no thought to how your split impacts on his kids !! Like other people said you can't stop him but I agree it is way to soon. Good luck

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:39

I've refused to give him a timescale as yet because he's not even given me time to adjust - I'm doing all the parenting now, still working, running the house and he's happy for me to have to lean on my family for childcare. This is his first full weekend away from our home and he's made plans to go out with her 🙄 but his kids are his world apparently 😞

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Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:40

Adamant he doesn't wanna be a weekend dad. He's not even achieving that status!

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ThumbWitchesAbroad · 26/05/2018 07:43

I know you'd like to protect your children from the sort of prick their father is, but I sometimes think that it's a slightly better idea to explain the reality of the situation in as kind a way as possible, so their expectations can match what's likely to happen.

Explain that he's not going to get his own home any time soon.
Explain that he's found a woman who he loves now instead of you and that he's going to be living with her and her children.
Explain that they will meet this woman at some point and that they should be polite to her.
Let them be angry, sad, whatever - they need to know it's ok to feel the things they are likely to.

He's still their father, but that doesn't mean they should be protected entirely from his dickery.

Loopytiles · 26/05/2018 07:43

It’d be better for the younger DC to know the truth IMO.

disappearingninepatch · 26/05/2018 07:45

At least your DC have one parent who is considering their needs and feelings. Even worse for her DC, having a (controlling, emotionally abusive) stranger move into their home.

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:49

I'd feel absolutely awful telling my youngest but you know what maybe I should. Gonna wait for his first lot of money to hit my account first though because that's the first way he'll hit me

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TryingToForgeAnewLife · 26/05/2018 07:53

I was in a similar situation although stbxh did get his own place but OW was always there which upset the boys as they wanted time with just him.

He didn't even ask me about introducing her and just did it after 4 weeks.

Ds2 was 10yrs at the time and took it hardest - very angry and aggressive. I got counselling for him which helped.

Have you looked into what benefits you can claim?

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 07:56

I've already sorted out my UC and things but he knows I'd struggle with the rent and all the bills. Probably what he wants so he can shower the kids with gifts and look like he's making an effort the arsehole

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KittenBeast · 26/05/2018 07:59

Your youngest is old enough to understand, tell the children, they'll be hurt but they need to know. I wouldn't let him take them to his new house to meet his new woman and children though, don't make that shit easy for him. He really is a total tosser, OP.

Original poster
ncforadvice905 · 26/05/2018 08:00

Oh I won't be doing - cheeky bastard he is making out like the fact I didn't want to be controlled has driven him to this 🙄

OP posts:
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