Ex H and new woman

[ncforadvice905]

I know I'm probably asking a stupid question but I'm sick of arguing about it need some smart answers!
Split with ex h about a month ago - rocky marriage he's been unfaithful several times. Anyhow we were still living together until a week ago while he saved up for somewhere, but he was going out every night and coming back in at 7am. Kids obviously noticing, he's seeing a woman he works with. Bearing in mind I already had my suspicions he was getting too friendly months ago when he met her.
Sooo because I wasn't willing to accept this behaviour while we were still living together (I was doing everything including all childcare) he's moved in with her and her kids. One of mine knows the situation (late teens) and is understandably pissed off. Younger one has no idea about the girlfriend. He keeps mentioning her 'being a part of his life now' and wanting a 'timescale' for when my youngest can know about her and meet her. He's been living with her two weeks. AIBU to lose my shit?? I need some smart replies to his bollocks please! He's also told me he is 'in love' with her.

He's actually said 'you need me' he has said he won't push the issue again for the moment but I'd be an idiot to believe him

I can't go into detail but I'd have a lot of leverage if I ever did stop contact with my youngest and he knows it. But I think he's convinced himself I won't do that. Then again I'd convinced myself that he'd always put the kids first. Idiot that I am

He's not even mentioned court even though I have said in anger that she'll never meet my kids. Says it all really because I'd move heaven and earth to see my children

Unfortunately OP you have no right to dictate when she meets them. He's legally allowed time with them and unless they're in danger, it's none of your business. If my exH told me I had to wait 6 months I'd laugh in his face.

You say his idea of taking them out is for a drive? Then perhaps his new partner can improve that. DP has his kids and weekends he has them with my DC are so much more fun and all the DC love each other.

Try reading the lone parents board.

@mumsypig14 I'm not taking a relationship of three weeks seriously at all and if I introduced them to a man now he'd likely be violent towards me. He's walked out on his kids without a second thought and I'll be damned if I'm letting him fuck them up even more for something which in six months may not even be an issue any more

Oy vey! I’m smoking angry on your behalf, OP! I’d be a fireball if rage. Hand-holding, sympathetic anger, the works.

It’s incredibly difficult to see reason when your head and heart have been so utterly fucked with BUT! Here’s my two cents (from experience)-

Let him see the kid(s). It’s time to be transparent with your youngest. Let him do his ‘good dad’ bit. Your youngest will be ok. It’ll be tough but your kids will come through this.

The best thing you could do for your own peace of mind is to disengage (that doesn’t mean roll over and play dead). Reduce conflict. That way you reduce HIM being in your life, a life he is no longer part of.

Your ex is nothing more than an admin aspect from now on: dates on a calendar to see the kids and maintenance payments coming through. That’s it.
Get advice from a solicitor.
Fight for your and the kids’ security and stability. Focus on that rather than him (easier said than done).

Pour your efforts into securing yourself financially.
As for your ex, fuck him and the horse he rode in on. His level of arrogance and self entitlement is appalling. He’s the bratty little boy at a birthday party who wants to have the most cake.

Look after yourself OP!

How do you plan on stopping something hes legally allowed to do? Stop them seeing their dad altogether? Because thats less harmful than them meeting his girlfriend

OP almost the EXACT thing happened to my friend 8 months ago. They'd been married 20 years!

He said "I'm leaving" and within a week, he was shacked up with some woman and her two small children.

That was the weirdest thing!

My poor mate has been devastated....however...suddenly it seems things aren't rosy for her ex any more and rumour has it, the relationship he is in now, is up the creek.

Be prepped for your ex trying to come back to you and fuck him off. Why do some men DO this!?

OK. I have been in a similar position and it's time to emotionally detach and get your Big Girls Pants on.

1. Take back any keys he has and change locks. Do you own or rent?

1. See solicitor and file for divorce. This will show him you mean business and it is the only way to resolve financial/housing situation.

1. All contact with DC should be outside of your home. Don't trouble yourself with what he does with them, so long as they are safe it's none of your concern. They won't die of boredom.

1. There is fuck all you can do about him introducing OW to the DC. I know it stinks but you need to accept this for your own sanity.

1. If he messes you about re money, go straight to CMS, no negotiating or false promises. One fuck up and you're out. You should be getting a minimum of 20% of his net pay.

1. Get any relevant paperwork re pensions etc. This will all be relevant in divorce.

1. This is your time now. You are rid of this cheating creep and he is someone else's problem. Time to think about you and what you want from life. Retrain? Hobbies? Think about doing nice things for yourself when DC are with him.

Well said TheVanguard.

Sadly OP you can't control who he says or who he introduces your children to UNLESS you can evidence that they are an actual danger to them (yes, stupid I know but that is how it is).

You will never successfully set a timescale with this idiot and even if you did, he wouldn't stick to it.

You need to get in front of it and do the prep for your youngest. YOU be the one to tell them what's happened (facts), that he's got a new girlfriend and that she might be there when they go and see their dad.

He is very soon I'd imagine going to ensure that they get introduced to her whether you've said ok or not because he can, because the law doesn't allow you to prevent him doing so, because it's impossible to prevent him doing so. All you can do is get in front of it, prepare the kid(s) and help them to cope with the changes.

Sadly arseholes like this are the worst bloody people to deal with as they have absolutely not one single shred of decency so I totally feel for you but you can't stop him introducing them at any time he chooses. As Vanguard said - reduce him to a series of calendar dates, arrangements and administrative routines - he's gonna be a right pain in all aspects of being a non resident parent and you can't get through it without a massive impact on yourself if you retain the anger and the 'why won't he just...!!!' thinking. Sadly all the anger and being in the right in the world won't do you any good yourself, and it won't change him because he can't change because he's a dick. You gotta disengage emotionally (and boy it's going to be hard to do that - I'm still struggling now and I'm 10 years divorced!!). But you've got to or you'll burn your emotional self out on it (while he sits there all calm and chilled and not giving one shit about how angry you get because he'll always just do what he wants). Direct that anger into shoring yourself up with housing, benefits, child maintenance, all that stuff.