Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

For wanting him to have two weeks paternity?

45 replies

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 13:03

Hello,
My husband and I are expecting our second baby in September, I am currently a sahm and my dp is a self employed IT contractor- we live off of his wage entirely- no tax credits/benefits etc. Being a contractor means he does not get pay for holiday or sick leave, and at £180 a day it does make a bit of an impact when he has time off so he only wants to take one week off for paternity leave. However, I am having an elective c section due to medical reasons, and am worried about how much support I may need after recovery, especially already having a three year old. We do have both my dm and mil nearby but they both have busy lives and my dm works so I'm not sure how available they will be. I can't figure out if I am being selfish asking him to have two weeks and possibly making us struggle for money, or if it's reasonable. We do tend to live pay day to pay day rather than have savings but we are not drowning in debt or anything! I also feel a bit sad that it's precious bonding time we will never get back, he has not been to any antenatal appointments or scans and I just feel like he's missing everything but I am also so unbelievably lucky that he works so hard so I can be with our children at home, I shouldn't have a say.
Sorry for such a long message!

OP posts:

Original poster

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 13:08

Also, we will have so many people coming over to see the new baby which will take at least 3 days so we wouldn't have very much 'core family' time in just a week!

OP posts:

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:09

Ah was in your shoes many times op. My dh is a self employed contractor too. He missed every scan and appointment but it goes with the territory of being SE doesn’t it. Pros and cons.

Personally I would have the first week but I think it’s a bit unresonable to have 2.. also would his employers he’s contracted to allow it?

I bet you will be better then you think and ask your mum/mil. I am sure they will want to pitch in and help you.

BlueBug45 · 23/05/2018 13:09

Explain to him what a C-section involves in very graphical detail - find diagrams to show him of possible - and ask him to have two weeks off.

Be aware he may still refuse as he may be afraid if he has two weeks off is that he could lose his contract. I've heard of contractors who have lost contracts from having heart attacks, on the other hand I've know of one who had 2 months off for maternity leave so it really depends on the client.

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:12

Just seen your second post.

No don’t allow that honestly. It’s far too exhausting for you and your dh should be looking after you and the kids not making tea for great aunt Milly.

We banned all visitors after all our babies after the first one. Mind by dc 6 no one cared

Maybe visitors in hospital but not at home. Pull your drawbridge up to just your immediate family. Honestly it will b worth it and if people are offended just ignore it. Warm them before hand no visitors week 1 or get your dh to say you and baby have an infection and doctors have forbidden visitors. We did that and it worked after dc2..

PinkHeart5914 · 23/05/2018 13:12

I think when someone is self employed and you are living off that one wage, it’s not that simple to just take 2 weeks off!

Why make your family struggle for money? I mean a new baby brings new stress anyway without added money worries, keeping on top of bills and paying for the roof over the dc head is the top priority.

If your going to have so many visitors surely they will help out while visiting a little

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:14

Blu it really does and the dh shouldn’t risk this contract with another mouth to feed. As you say though it does depend on the client.

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:15

Can you have helpful visitors on week 2?? The type who will cook and clean?

ferntwist · 23/05/2018 13:16

Have you asked your mum and MIL if they can pitch in? You’re definitely not being unreasonable to ask DH to take two weeks after your C-section and with a three-year-old. Can he do overtime later in the year?

RedSkyAtNight · 23/05/2018 13:17

Can you time your "so many people coming over" so that they are spread out and primed to be helpful?

MagicFajita · 23/05/2018 13:19

Can you afford to lose two weeks income? Are there savings you can use?

Dobbythesockelf · 23/05/2018 13:20

I can see both sides of this. You want support, he's worried about money, bills, contracts etc. It's A hard one. Could you ban visitors that first week and just get them to come the week after?
I'm due my second in 5 weeks and I have told people that I don't want visitors for the first few days so we can get used to be being a family of 4. Most people have completely understood.

CantankerousCamel · 23/05/2018 13:20

I would ban visitors

Have the week as a family

Let him get back to work but see if he can do Mon-Thurs for a couple of weeks

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 13:22

That’s it Dobby exactly what we did post baby 1.

Willow2017 · 23/05/2018 13:36

Why are you having so many people come over the first 3 days?
Thats the last thing you will want after a c section and a new baby and toddler!
You need peace and quiet to recover and bond with baby and give toddler time too not entertain 3 days of guests trotting in and out.

JMHO

busybarbara · 23/05/2018 13:36

Hmm, with a C section I can't see how he could not take that time off. There are a lot of things you will not be allowed to do for 4-6 weeks, such as drive if that's relevant.

jay55 · 23/05/2018 13:39

Can he work from home at all? So he’s on hand if you’re stuck.
Has he any money in the company he can pay himself

ittakes2 · 23/05/2018 13:39

I had an emergency C section and had a blood transfusion. The C section hurt much more than I thought it would! But I think it was much better after 1 week if that helps. My top tip is don't wait too long to go to the bathroom afterwards. I left it all day and by the end of it the pressure of my full bladder was so painful I needed morphine to walk to the bathroom!

Original poster

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 13:42

Sorry should have said, him losing the contract isn't a worry at all- he is in a 12 month contract at the moment with a 12 month extension so it's pretty much a permanent job with a contractors wage without the benefits.
My mum will help when she can- it's a shame 'granternity leave' doesn't exist! Other visitors will be both sets of my dp grandparents, aunty, my sisters who will be travelling from a different county so no they will be the sit with a cuppa and hold the baby type visitors.

OP posts:

minipie · 23/05/2018 13:42

In your shoes I would ask DH to play things by ear. You may find week 2 is quite easy if your baby still sleeps loads and your recovery is going ok . Week 4 or 5 for example may be harder as they sleep less and you might prefer him to save the time to use then. Or if any of you gets ill then that will be tough and you will need his help then.

In summary, I would get him to agree he can afford to take 5 more days at SOME point and see how it goes as to when you need them most.

I would also definitely rethink the visitor plan. Have them visit in a way that means they are helpful not a burden!

poobumwee · 23/05/2018 13:42

I don't think you are being unreasonable, but a little unrealistic perhaps?

would your husband be able to schedule his week off so that its split over a couple of weeks. One day at home, one day at work? might make it easier to get the odd day of help in between and you could schedule visitors for days when he is not there, on the understanding they help with getting the washing on and out, getting dinner prepped etc. just a thought!

minipie · 23/05/2018 13:43

Why wouldn't your aunt and sisters be helpful visitors? Maybe you need to practice asking them to help :) at the very least they could entertain your 3yo.

GorgeousGeorge14 · 23/05/2018 13:49

Could he ask to go PT from home for the second week? So a couple of hours a day to stay on top of things, but still around to help when needed?

AwkwardPaws27 · 23/05/2018 13:55

You have 3-4 months to go, so why not check your expenses now and see what you can save? Moneysavingexpert have a lot of good advise, e.g. checking you are on the cheapest tariff for utilities, lowest mortgage interest rate etc. You might be able to save on some other things, like cutting out a few luxuries, so you can afford for him to take the time off?

Bexta147 · 23/05/2018 13:58

My partner couldn’t afford to have more than a week after after our second two were born. Both planned sections. Honestly recovery is no where near as bad as people like to make out, I was back doing the school run 10 days after my third. I had no other help than my partner as family are over an hour away. Honestly you will be surmised how well you manage.

Ohmydayslove · 23/05/2018 14:00

I don’t understand why your aunty and sisters couldn’t come over in week 2 and help.

Honestly nip this visitor crap in the bud on week 1 it’s a really stupid idea and not fair on any of you especially your dd.

You can say no to visitors you know.

Send this email

‘hi all really looking forward to seeing you all but can we stipulate no visitors during the first week I am home please. We love you all and know you will understand we need to bond with our baby and introduce her to our dd. I am also having a c section and have been told to rest so will not be up to visitors in those first 7 days. Thankyou so much for understanding love ....

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.