Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

For wanting him to have two weeks paternity?

45 replies

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 13:03

Hello,
My husband and I are expecting our second baby in September, I am currently a sahm and my dp is a self employed IT contractor- we live off of his wage entirely- no tax credits/benefits etc. Being a contractor means he does not get pay for holiday or sick leave, and at £180 a day it does make a bit of an impact when he has time off so he only wants to take one week off for paternity leave. However, I am having an elective c section due to medical reasons, and am worried about how much support I may need after recovery, especially already having a three year old. We do have both my dm and mil nearby but they both have busy lives and my dm works so I'm not sure how available they will be. I can't figure out if I am being selfish asking him to have two weeks and possibly making us struggle for money, or if it's reasonable. We do tend to live pay day to pay day rather than have savings but we are not drowning in debt or anything! I also feel a bit sad that it's precious bonding time we will never get back, he has not been to any antenatal appointments or scans and I just feel like he's missing everything but I am also so unbelievably lucky that he works so hard so I can be with our children at home, I shouldn't have a say.
Sorry for such a long message!

OP posts:

Bear2014 · 23/05/2018 14:12

Is your 3 year old at nursery/ preschool? Either way, I had an ELCS and a 3 year old and it was hard. You would probably be pretty much house bound with the two of them for a week or so, so it depends on the temperament of your older one. Good luck!

Original poster

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 14:15

It's my husbands auntie rather than mine, I'm just going by what happened after my first (emergency section). They just wanted to sit and hold baby and give presents, while either I or dp made tea and biscuits!
I am very very timid and saying no to visitors would cause all sorts of drama as it's just expected, and my dp wants them to come. I have said no visitors at hospital as with my first I as trying to learn to breastfeed and was struggling with being poorly along with a poorly baby and I had visitors turning up without being invited or even being told they were coming! Both my mil and dp step mum have gotten into a huff over not being allowed to come to the hospital as soon as the baby is born. With my first the step Mum called me when I told her I was going in to be induced to say that she has a stomach bug so isn't sure if she will be allowed to come as soon as the baby's born but will come if she hadn't been sick in a while on day 3 of being in hospital (we were there for 5 days) I said we won't be having visitors and she contacted her midwife sister to ask why we were saying no one was allowed to visit, and then sent me a sarky asking if I was enjoying time alone.
Sorry for the rant, just to give you an idea of why I'm a bit hesitant to say no visitors at all.

OP posts:

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2018 14:22

It’s all very well for people to say ‘I had a cs and coped’. The truth is each birth, mother and baby is different and the op may not cope. She absolutely should not be lifting the 3 yo for example for a few weeks. Op, you should talk about it with your dh in the context of what is needed. If you need further help lifting baby and caring for the 3yo for the 2nd and 3rd week what are the options? Don’t make it just dh must be there- what would getting assistance in a few hours a day cost? How often could your mum help? Etc etc. Do you know thRre is a plan and you aren’t just choosing dhs income or his time, but you are ensuring you and baby are coping.

timeisnotaline · 23/05/2018 14:23

I would also tell my dp where to go if he said he wanted difficult visitors to come over while he’s at work when I’d just had a baby. But he wouldn’t be that selfish.

BlueBug45 · 23/05/2018 14:23

You need to stand up for yourself and stop taking this crap. This is about your health, the baby's health and your toddler's health.

If they aren't the type of visitors who want to help out and your husband refuses to take time off work, then they need to visit at a weekend when he's around.

And if they send a sarky text it just shows they are an unpleasant person who you should keep at arms length.

RomeoBunny · 23/05/2018 14:24

He should be putting a % to one side each month to cover holidays, things like paternity or his own sick leave. Why isn't he?

Hadalifeonce · 23/05/2018 14:27

I had a c-section with our first. My DH didn't take off all his leave in one go, he used it on the days he knew no one else was coming to visit. It meant that visitors could do lots for me, and he had days off over a period of about 4 weeks. which worked really well for us.

HelenaDove · 23/05/2018 15:52

Mum MIL aunts and sisters?! Why is it always assumed that its just the job of the female members of the family to help out when a baby comes along.

Why not Dad FIL uncles and brothers.

Original poster

LOL7 · 23/05/2018 16:00

@HelenaDove my dad passed away, I have no uncles or brothers and my fil works 9-5 Monday - Friday. So I only have female family members around who could possibly help.

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 23/05/2018 16:48

oh im sorry to hear that LOL7

My post was more aimed at the posters who kept suggesting female family members.

4men1lady · 23/05/2018 16:53

I can relate to this.
I’m due to have dc4 in 4 weeks time, probably a planned section this time and dh is self employed and at the busiest time of year. He said this morning that he’ll be having a week off soon so he needs to make sure he’s ahead with work..cue my face..only one week. I just don’t think they grasp exactly what it entails. Nothing really useful to add other than my understanding

FASH84 · 23/05/2018 16:58

My brother is also self employed and SIL was only paid SMP he took ten days was planning a week but she had an emergency c section and developed an infection so in hospital for five days. My mum took a week of annual leave the week after he went back to help her out, is the anyone who might be able to do that for you?

grasspigeons · 23/05/2018 17:00

is it cheaper for him to buy help to replace him? 180 a day is a lot to lose.

Set up a rota with the support you mentioned, get an agency cleaner for a couple of months and explain why at the start, get a doula or mothers help for a bit.

Eastcoastmost · 23/05/2018 17:03

I had an emergency c-section and was walking up hill and down dale with a double buggy ten days later. You’ll be fine!

Appleandmango22 · 23/05/2018 17:21

Yabu. It’s extremely difficult to take time off when self employed. Especially being the main wage earner.
I’m a self employed female and only taking 3 months mat leave due to the poor maternity allowance and detrimental effects on my business.

mindutopia · 23/05/2018 18:02

Can he take on some extra work or can you make more of an effort to save between now and then?

My dh is self employed and he took off two weeks when our 2nd was born. It absolutely was worth it! He isn’t a contractor so slightly different but he worked extra in the months leading up to my due date. I was also working and had saved for mat leave too, which helped. Having him there was wonderful and very worth the lost income, if you can swing it.

FreudRogersBeck · 23/05/2018 18:20

You're not being unfair no.

My third was an elective and my husband only took 6 days off (despite getting fully paid paternity)

I coped with 3 under 5's at first, but my health started deteriorating after 18 months. The complications of not healing properly meant I had to have a hysterectomy two years ago.

If he really can't do it financially, can you at least ask him to sort childcare for your three yr old for a couple of weeks?

Crabbitstick · 23/05/2018 18:22

Expect to be in hospital for 2 to 3 days after section.
I couldn't walk at a normal pace for over a week - it was very gingerly before that.
You won't be able to carry 3YO, shopping bags or anything for a few weeks.
I'd be saving and see if he can do reduced hours in second week.
And no to visitors!

waterrat · 23/05/2018 18:24

aw OP I totally get this and yes it is very precious time for your DH to spend with the baby - but is it possible that you would find it easier if he took the second week in a months time? So it didn't hit the pay packet quite so hard?

It would then be something to look forward to.

Also - I would not bother with visitors while he is off - let them come when you are alone and need help.

I think you need to get Mum and MIL booked in for specific help.

FrazzledAndFeelingIt · 24/05/2018 07:05

I can see both sides. I had a c section with my second and am also an IT contractor!

I was lucky with my recovery as I felt fine after the first week. I would get him to take a week off & see how you go.

Get the grannies in to support you in the second week but I’m sure if after a week you really can’t face it without him, he could take a couple of days more?

Flip

1 2

Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.

Join Mumsnet Log In

This thread is closed and is no longer accepting replies. Click here to start a new thread.