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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU to want him to share stuff??

29 replies

Bear2902 · 23/04/2018 11:57

Me and Oh have been together about 16 months. Both have children. He doesn't live with me but spends most of his child free time at mine. Gets on great with my kids and his child fits in well.

The issue is, every other weekend when he has his child he excludes me and will go off and do his own thing then expect to come round Sunday night once he's dropped DC off to their mum.

I know he needs time with his child but he expects to be part of my life and be included in what I do but doesn't offer me the same.

I've spoken to him about it many times and he promises he'll change but never does. His reasons are he has to drive around a lot to entertain his child and he knows I don't like driving miles around the county.

I'm just fed up with being excluded. Surely if its a relationship it should be equal and include sharing stuff?

I'm fed up with making a fuss about it because he clearly doesn't see that its an issue and doesn't understand why it upsets me.

OP posts:

Pengggwn · 23/04/2018 12:00

When you say 'his child fits in well', when is that happening, if he excludes you from his time with his child?

Aprilmightbemynewname · 23/04/2018 12:00

Sounds like you aren't cut out to be in a relationship with a df...

Idontbelieveinthemoon · 23/04/2018 12:02

Perhaps it feels different to him because his time with his DC is so limited that he feels he has to spend it all with them as his focus, whereas he's able to spend much more time with you and your DC?

I'm not suggesting he's right, just perhaps that's how he's thinking about it. If you've spoken to him and asked to spend time with his DC and he's still not willing, there's nothing you can do to force the issue. Either you're willing to accept that his time with his DCs is time away from you or you have to think about what you want to accept long-term.

Queenoftheblitz · 23/04/2018 12:05

I presume your children live with you and you get lots of alone time with them?
But his children don't live with him so I'm guessing it is his kids saying they want alone time with him which is their right.

HollowTalk · 23/04/2018 12:07

I would welcome the chance to have some time with my children alone.

anothersoddingcold · 23/04/2018 12:09

Just leave him alone, he wants some 1-1 time with his dc, I think that's fine. Make your own plans and don't expect him to be around then.

Original poster

Bear2902 · 23/04/2018 12:13

We used to spend time together all of us on a Sunday and his Daughter really enjoyed it.

I only have my children on a Sunday as the weekends are split between me and their dad (due to work commitments for him).

The thing is if he just spent the time one on one with his daughter I could understand it but he doesn’t. He’s always off visiting friends of picking up other children for her to play with.

OP posts:

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 12:14

If I only saw my kids every other weekend I'd want to spend it alone with them aswell i think but maybe he could compromise and spend even the Sunday altogether? Though really I don't see the big deal

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 12:16

We used to spend time together all of us on a Sunday and his Daughter really enjoyed it

Are you sure she did? maybe she didn't enjoy it but your DP is trying to save your feelings by making excuses?

Dozer · 23/04/2018 12:18

You chose to involve him so much in your DCs’ life, perhaps too soon?

MirriVan · 23/04/2018 12:19

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Confusedbeetle · 23/04/2018 12:19

This relationship is very young, Give it space

Pengggwn · 23/04/2018 12:21

Well, I'll be honest with you, OP. When I first read your post I thought it said 16 years, and I was thinking that was an odd way for a family to behave. But actually, it's only 16 months. That isn't a long time at all. What's the long-term outlook? Are you intending to move in together/get married?

Original poster

Bear2902 · 23/04/2018 12:39

She did enjoy it - she was always texting me or my eldest asking when we were seeing her again.

Maybe I did involve him too soon - I waited until we had been seeing each other for over 6 months before he met my children.

OP posts:

VivaKondo · 23/04/2018 12:45

16 months not a long Time? I was planning my wedding due a few months later at that stage!
The issue is NOT the length of the relationhsip. It's the fact there is a guy who wants to be included in the OP’s family life, used to included her in his life (and no it’s certainly doesn’t mean for the OP to spend ALL the time with him and his dd) and has decided he doesnt want to anymore.
It’s the fact that if he spends all his time with his dd in his own and the OP does the same thing with her dcs (and why shouldn’t she?), there is no time left to build a relationhsip.
So... everyone has to make an effort. The OP, her partner and yes the dcs too (from both sides).

I think you really need to have a chat with him and try and understand WHY he used to be happy to spend time together with his dd and not anymore. You need to highlight that you would like to move forward with the relationship and it feels like he is going backwards. So what would be the best way to be involve in EACH OTHER life?
He might well have been a bit spooked out and finding that things are going to fast. Or there are issues with his dd you aren’t aware of. Or he is a prat, having all the time with you playing happy family and still having his own time to do whatever he wants, like if he was single still.

But imo it has nothing to do with him being a NRP and therefore being allowed to be let off the hook to communicate with the OP about what is and isn’t working for him.

SendintheArdwolves · 23/04/2018 12:49

I think this sounds...fine.

He wants one on one time with his child (or whatever that looks like to them)
You get either time one-on-one with your child, or time to yourself
You get to meet up in the evening and have grown up time

Is it your expectation that every weekend, you spend all the time together, your kids, his kids, all one big blended family? Because I don't think that's necessarily the only/best way to be.

I honestly would expect more problems if his behaviour was the opposite - too many men expect their new girlfriend to pitch in straight away with the parenting of their child and don't want to have to do any child-care without another adult around. I think it sounds good that he wants his time with his daughter to be about their bond, not yours.

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 12:50

*She did enjoy it - she was always texting me or my eldest asking when we were seeing her again.

Maybe I did involve him too soon - I waited until we had been seeing each other for over 6 months before he met my children.*

Oh ok fair enough, it just seems a bit odd he'd visit other people but not spend anytime with you and your DC

I think 6 months is loads of time to wait btw and 16months together isn't a new relationship either. People on here think you have to be together 20 years before you can even call it a relationship it seems like!

Original poster

Bear2902 · 23/04/2018 12:58

*Oh ok fair enough, it just seems a bit odd he'd visit other people but not spend anytime with you and your DC

His reasons for this apparently are she is an only chid and he feels guilty that she has no siblings so just takes her here there and everywhere to entertain her and give her friends to play with. Also he says he gets lonely on his own.

I don't want to spend every minute of the weekend with him, nor do I expect him to spend every minute of the weekend with me and my children. But if we stand any kind of future together then surely planning on spending some time together isn't too much to ask? Even if its just an afternoon?

I don't want to parent his child but she is lovely and I thought we got on well and had fun.

OP posts:

Original poster

Bear2902 · 23/04/2018 13:00

don't want to have to do any child-care without another adult around. I think it sounds good that he wants his time with his daughter to be about their bond, not yours.

The thing is he doesn't just spend time one on one with her. He is always visiting friends, or borrowing children for her to play with and taking them out. The only time its the two of the alone is on the drive home of an evening.

OP posts:

PositivelyPERF · 23/04/2018 13:03

I’m actually wondering if he’s a bit jealous of her relationship with you and your children? You think she enjoys spending with you all and I’m wondering if he thinks she should ‘need’ and want him more, IYKWIM.

Pengggwn · 23/04/2018 13:10

Well, the point is that it bothers you, and you've asked him to fix it and he hasn't. So, what are you going to do? You can either ask him again to fix it, ask him what the problem is, give him an ultimatum, let it go, or dump him!

Trinity66 · 23/04/2018 13:42

That sounds totally reasonable to me and if she has no other siblings wouldn't it be nice for her to get to know and spend time with her potential step siblings? I don't think you're being unreasonable to want that at all

Lacucuracha · 23/04/2018 13:52

OP, what's he like with housework at yours? Does he take on some chores? If he's spending so much time at yours he needs to do his fair share.

And what about finances? Are you feeding him every night he as at yours?

chloesmumtoo · 23/04/2018 14:39

Does he have his dd both the Saturday and the Sunday every other weekend?
If i read it right then you are free on Saturdays as dont have your dcs. But do every Sunday.
I see your time with your own dcs slightly different as they live with you but can understand you still feeling he is acting differently in regards to being present in your time with your dcs each sunday as it is a non school day after all.
Its a tricky one. Him wanting some one to one, i understand but like you say he is involving everyone else except you currently.
Not wanting to focus on your dcs at the same time could be understandable as his attention will be split between all of them and not as idividual. But cant grasp him not involving you on a sat alone or having a whole family get together on a sunday once in a while.
At first i thought it was okay what he was doing and then realized hes possibly got both days Sat and Sun with his dd. Plus one of those days your child free and could have some involvment keeping attention on his dd. Doesn't have to be overbearing.
I think i get you now and would wonder why too. Do you think the dd's mum inforces this? No new partner involement? Maybe she doesnt like her dd liking time with you and your dc's? Just a thought. He may not want to rock the boat?

sheddooropen · 23/04/2018 14:42

YANBU, a couple of times to spend time on his own with his kid then fair enough but every time is worrying:/

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