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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Ex treating DC unfairly and its costing me!!!

34 replies

donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:10

I am always on here despairing about my Ex. He has refused to pay maintenance (despite being loaded) and not seen DC for nearly a year as he refuses to come and see them I have to take to him etc just a total twat,

The latest is he saw DC1 at the weekend and they came home with £200 worth of presents.

The other DC2 did not want to go as they (correctly) said "Dad will just do everything they want so whats the point of going."

When DC2 realized they had not got any presents they were very upset and have cried and tantrumed ever since. They feel DF doesn't care and that DC1 is spoilt etc.

So now I have had to give DD2 £200 and told them it is from their DF and he has spent the lot on Xbox points or something. They have been inconsolable and upset but I am gutted they have just wasted all that money, which i don't have frankly!!

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 20/03/2018 20:12

Too late now but you were silly to give him that money. Why couldn't your eldest child share his spoils with his brother?

Heismyopendoor · 20/03/2018 20:14

Why did you give him that money? You must have had the money to give if you gave it? YABU to have given him that money AND said it was from his dad

Nocabbageinmyeye · 20/03/2018 20:14

I can't believe you gave your DC £200 forno reason and gave your ex credit for it Shock

agbnb · 20/03/2018 20:14

So now I have had to give DD2 £200 .... but I am gutted they have just wasted all that money, which i don't have frankly!!

WTAF.

You have a broken co-parenting relationship with your ex so you decide to lie and give your other child cash you don't have to try and plaster over the cracks?

I'm sorry to be blunt but that is not a sustainable or healthy way of dealing with things.

You need to figure out a way to balance out similar things happening in future without lying, gifting cash you can't afford, etc. You can't fix bad parenting relationships that your DC may have with your ex by buying it out.

I think you need to step back and address it with your ex. Starting by sorting out a formal maintenance agreement.

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:15

I know but he has been so upset and i can see why.

They couldn't share what the other one got and I know it was given to make a point "you do what i say you get presents and if you don't then i'll make you pay"

He is just a controlling twat - he could've easily have sent some presents for DC2 but he just wants to make his point!! If he did send something then it would help a pretty much non existent relationship but he just can't seem it from the childrens point of view!

OP posts:
Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/03/2018 20:15

He refuses. Why aren't the government going after the selfish prick. Theyre quick enough hounding single parents to take ridiculously low paid jobs. It stinks of misogyny to me.Angry

Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 20:16

Give the presents back to dad and stop contact he sounds a right twat

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:17

Oh shit - i just wanted to make my DC feel better. I hate my Ex and there is zero co parenting believe me!! I didn't do it for my Ex I just felt so bad for my DC.

I always give the dC money from Ex for birthdays etc they know it is from me really but ...

OP posts:
AlmostAJillSandwich · 20/03/2018 20:17

But he hasn't wasted it if that's what he wanted to spend it on.
You gave the money to him, it was is to spend as he chose.

TalkinBoutWhat · 20/03/2018 20:17

Why on earth did you give him iney and pretend it came from your ex?!

I suspect your ex deliberately spent that money to teach your DS2 a lesson. Whether he was reasonable to or not I don't
know. But your DS2 chose not to see his DDad. He can't expect to be treated when he's not there.

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:18

I've posted millions of time about the maintenance laws in this country but if bastards like him want to get out of paying they can and do!!!

OP posts:
upsideup · 20/03/2018 20:19

DC2 could have gone, they chose not to and they missed out. DC2 is old enough to buy xbox games so is old enough to not be crying and tantruming over presents, that is extremely spoilt behaviour that I wouldnt of put up with.
Why on earth did you give DC2 £200 for no reason? And then why on earth did you pretend it was from their dad?

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:20

it wasn't treats so much but birthday and christmas presents in Lieu (not sent them anything for past 3 years). so no reason he couldn't have given it to the other DC to give.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:21

I think he was crying and tantruming because he feels that his Dad doesn't care rather than about the presents.

To be honest he never asks for anything. He can be hard work though to be fair.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:23

I also don't want either DC to feel they have to see their Father if they want to get something.

its not healthy at all. But their "Father' is seriously a twat of the highest order eg tells them he can't afford to see them then goes on holiday, takes me to court to have them for christmas then goes to Barbados for christmas with his GF etc

OP posts:
WatchingFromTheWings · 20/03/2018 20:24

I always give the dC money from Ex for birthdays etc they know it is from me really

Seriously.....stop doing this. He's a grown up and can sort his kids birthdays himself. If he doesn't, that's his lookout. The kids know you're doing it so really can't see the point.

upsideup · 20/03/2018 20:25

If DC2 had gone too would he of ignored them and not bought them anything?

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 20:28

upsideup - that is exactly it!! The other one wouldn't have got presents if they had both been there I am sure. But it would've been where they wanted to have lunch etc.

He tends to favor the older one as they "play the game" to his face and tolerate him whereas the other one seems t see him for what he is.

I know they only got presents so they would come home and then the other one would be upset and regret not going IYSWIM

OP posts:
Greenyogagirl · 20/03/2018 20:44

Why do they even go and see him? Why do you pretend he cares?

LonginesPrime · 20/03/2018 20:55

You must have had the money to give if you gave it

^ This.

Sorry if this sounds harsh, OP, but you've chosen to give your DC £200 of your money - you've got no-one to blame except yourself.

Your ex is a twat but your behaviour is a little bonkers. Yes, it's shit when people can't be good parents, but you can be there and support your children through coming to terms with their petty and manipulative father without having to spend money.

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 21:01

Most of the time they dont seem to care but when it flags up (like now) it is hard to see your child feel unloved and uncared for.

I do feel happier now DC has calmed down and is a bit happier.

I wish Ex would just disappear out of their lives he just disrupts their peace of mind but he just takes me back to court and it is soul destroying and endless really grounds you down. I don't know what his aim or game is - he is just a bit mental i think.

OP posts:
Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 21:02

and yes you are right it has driven me totally bonkers! I am surprised i'm not 6 foot under TBH

OP posts:
fizzthecat1 · 20/03/2018 21:08

OP ignore all the people being nasty about giving the £200. That sort of favouritism can damage a child and I can completely understand why you did it for him.

Original poster
donners312 · 20/03/2018 21:29

Thank you Fizz - yes i did it to make him feel better. I don't know if that is right or not. Their Dad is just a twat and will never change bit i just want them t one OK. I suppose it is only money and i don't have any anyway ha ha

OP posts:
YearOfYouRemember · 21/03/2018 07:53

Quickest and obvious way to get your ex out of the kids life's is to stop enabling the Disney dad effect. Stop giving them anything pretending it's from dad.

This has reminded me of when I would visit my mother from the children's home and her friends would give me pocket money. Not her. She never gave me a thing. It didn't prove she was shit as I already knew it but it did hurt.

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