Ex treating DC unfairly and its costing me!!!

[donners312]

I am always on here despairing about my Ex. He has refused to pay maintenance (despite being loaded) and not seen DC for nearly a year as he refuses to come and see them I have to take to him etc just a total twat,

The latest is he saw DC1 at the weekend and they came home with £200 worth of presents.

The other DC2 did not want to go as they (correctly) said "Dad will just do everything they want so whats the point of going."

When DC2 realized they had not got any presents they were very upset and have cried and tantrumed ever since. They feel DF doesn't care and that DC1 is spoilt etc.

So now I have had to give DD2 £200 and told them it is from their DF and he has spent the lot on Xbox points or something. They have been inconsolable and upset but I am gutted they have just wasted all that money, which i don't have frankly!!

The sad fact is that there dad is a twat. Stop trying to cover up for him - it just makes it all worse. Stop trying to promote a relationship that isn't there by providing gifts.

Knowing your dad doesn't care about you is a hard thing to deal with. Its OK for your ds to feel angry and sad. Maybe next time use the money for some help for him to come to terms with it.

their dad

Please don’t use money to make someone feel better, it doesn’t help and teaches a dangerous lesson regarding the value of money and how it can make you feel better.

And it hasn’t helped the issue is still there and he hurts because his dad isa twat

If you want to give your child money, at least say it is from you. You say your ex is a twat, but cover his arse! And if dc2 is old enough to articulate his reasons for not going then he's old enough not to have to be placated in the way you did. Why om earth would you take the bullet for your ex??

I can see why you've given them the same to make up for the unfairness but you shouldn't have pretended it was from his dad. Ditto birthday presents.

Explain what you've done this time and why you've done it but there is no point trying to hide what his father is like. Discuss it openly and discuss the emotions involved. Don't slate his dad more than you have to, but explain that some people aren't very emotionally intelligent and can't see the damage they are doing in the pursuit of their own selfish needs.

Next time if you can't afford it, only give a token present to make up for it. Don't spend what you can't afford.

God, these men make me so angry. I agree, you shouldn't be giving your kids money from your ex, but he's putting you in a crap position. Can understand you wanting to make things better

I think he was crying and tantruming because he feels that his Dad doesn't care rather than about the presents.

Exactly, you know this is not about the money. It's about the relationship with their Dad. You can't buy him a better Dad. You just have to support your children through having a shit one, it's hard for you and them. I feel for you all

You meant well, but you need to stop doing that with presents.

It's hideous when you realise that a parent doesn't care about you, and it's hideous when you realise they only want anything to do with you if you do everything they say. However, sadly it's a lesson some children have to learn.

You cannot protect your children from seeing who their father is forever.

You could also, unwittingly, end up causing yourself problems with your other child. What happens if they start crying and tantruming and feeling shit because DC2 got £200 from you and they got nothing?

Unfortunately DC2 (and DC1 long term) has a choice to make. They can either allow their father to buy their time, or they can choose not too. What they can't do long term is expect or demand that you provide things that their father would. It's not fair when they have a shit father, but it's life and they have to get used to it.

Are you in the UK? Have you spoken to CMS (not that I have much faith in them) about maintenance?