Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To accuse with no evidence

37 replies

Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 12:52

I really don’t want to post this but I don’t know how else to handle the situation.

Just moved in with DM while my house is being built. DB lives with her too. Have realised this morning that €400 that I’d set aside as spending money for a holiday in August has gone missing (it was €500 in total there is €100 left). Just so I’ve covered all the facts:

  • when we first moved here me and DH counted the money and put it in a “safe place” so it definitely didn’t get lost in the move.
  • have checked with DH and he definitely hasn’t moved it or spent it and it was in a place our toddler could not have accessed
  • DB has a gambling problem and a track record of stealing and when I asked DM this morning when the last time he’d taken anything was she said they don’t leave valuables out anymore.

Basically i suspect DB has taken the money. However I have absolutely zero proof and he is very convincing and a VERY good liar. I’m really not sure what to do. I want to ask him but there’s probably no point as he just won’t admit it even if he did. What do I do? Just accept that we were foolish knowing his track record and learn from our lesson? Or is there a way I can trick him into admitting it?

OP posts:
Queenoftheblitz · 13/03/2018 12:57

Yep say you have a spycamera in the room and he's been filmed. You want the money back.
I had relatives like this and i had to go NC in the end.

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 12:59

He wouldn’t even admit it then. He was caught stealing from his place of work once and even when they showed him the footage he denied it and cooked up some elaborate excuse on the spot (not that it helped of course)

OP posts:
FifiVoldemortsChavvyCousin · 13/03/2018 13:02

I’m afraid it could be
DB
A friend DB has let into the house
An opportunistic thief off the street: unlocked back goor, slip in, rummage, slip out.

In a court of law DM and DH would also be suspects. The refrain is always ‘I would never have believed that of them’.

With DH and DM there ask DB if he knows anything. An evasive or aggressive response may indicate guilt, but apart from a confession or unaccounted for spending money you will never know.

KarmaStar · 13/03/2018 13:05

Hi OP
How awful for a member of your family to be stealing from you.
How far do you want to take this?
If nobody else has been in the house between the relevant times you could go to the police.depending on where the money was hidden there may be fingerprints that are usable.
Your mum obviously knows what your db is like,could she have any influence over him to get the money back?
If he is an addict it could be the money has already gone.Is it possible to claim on the house insurance?(if you go to the police and get a reference number perhaps insurance may pay)
If he denies it and there's no evidence then you will have to write it off and put a lock on your bedroom door.
An awful situation for youFlowers

Trinity66 · 13/03/2018 13:05

Even if you catch him how are you going to get the money back from him if he gambles it all away, horrible situation though, it seems lose/lose unfortunately

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 13:13

Thanks for the replies everyone.

The thing is I’ve kind of written the money off already as I suspect it’s gone for good. The thing that bugs me is if he has taken it it’s just another in a long list of crimes he’s gotten away with. Me and DM used to fall out a lot of her bailing him out of trouble or goving him chance after chance of things happening because I always said why would he stop if there are no consequences? So now if I let this slide, I’m just letting him get away with it and that will make me a hypocrite. However, as I can’t prove anything it seems pointless confronting him as he has a huge temper and I just don’t know if I can be bothered with the hassle. I’m starting to get why DM tells me I’m being unfair when we discuss this....

Just to confirm I have had friends over to the house but they’ve never gone into that room so it would definitely have to have been someone who lives here.

OP posts:
abigailsnan · 13/03/2018 13:15

It does seem obvious that your DB is responsible for your loss and feel so sorry for your mum not being able to leave items safely in what should be her safe haven.
Can your mum not show him the door and get him to fend for himself or is he intiminadating towards her.
Is there any chance you OH can take him to one side and give him a "talking to" in no uncertain terms I know my OH would and take no prisioners when doing so,

Aprilmightmemynewname · 13/03/2018 13:16

You need to phone Jeremy Kyle op.

Juiceylucy09 · 13/03/2018 13:18

Great idea about the spy camera. Id say I will check the footage later and call the police, he calls your bluff there is not much you can do.

I am sorry your DB sounds guilty.

Stormwhale · 13/03/2018 13:18

I would go to the police. They would be able to investigate if he has spent it in a bookies. It's not like it's a tenner, it's a lot of money!!

Juiceylucy09 · 13/03/2018 13:20

I would probably call the police anyway. He shouldn't get away with stealing without any consequences.

HollyBayTree · 13/03/2018 13:23

I would go to the police. They would be able to investigate if he has spent it in a bookies.

How? there are at least 10 'bookies' on my high street, each with fruit machines also, gambling is a cash based buiness. Exactly how, amongst the tens of thousands of fixtures daily are you going to ascertain where the DB has spunked this cash?

E400 - could be 40 x E10 bets. Exactly how do you suggest the police are going to trace that, without knowing the bookies, the date, the fixtures?

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 13:26

DM would never show him the door although she doesn’t find him intimidating. When he first moved out they bought him a place but he racked up 10s of thousands of debt from pay day loan companies and they bailed him out. He then tried renting but again couldn’t manage his money (despite being on a very healthy wage) and everyone decided the best thing for him to do would be to live here with DM. He doesn’t pay anything and still goes into his overdraft every month (DM monitors his bank account). My parents are both terrified he will end up in prison if they don’t support him so that’s just the way things are now.

DH will quite possibly take the decision to confront him out of my hands when he gets home. He had reservations about living here because of DB in the first place. I should have listened to him.

OP posts:
Troels · 13/03/2018 13:31

What a horrible situation OP. No idea what I would do in your shoes. Does Dh already know it's gone?

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 13:36

Yes I text him this morning when I realised. DM had actually come to our part of the house to ask if she could buy some of the euros from me to put in a birthday card for a friend. I went to get them and there was only €100 left so I text him and had to explain why I was asking. He replied has someone (definitely meaning DB) taken them then? That’s the last I heard from him

OP posts:
Oblomov18 · 13/03/2018 14:01

Why did you leave it in this safe place? Knowing what he was like?

There is nothing you can do now. No evidence. And even if there was? What then?

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 14:06

Already covered that it was a stupid thing to do Oblomov. But thanks for your input.

OP posts:
Snausage · 13/03/2018 15:04

I really feel for you, OP. Personally, I'd let myself in to his room and help myself to €400 worth of his stuff. What a shit he is.

Motoko · 13/03/2018 15:05

Well, you only have two options. Either have it out with your brother, or don't.
Neither option is going to get your money back.

Going to the police would be useless as there's no evidence, and there's probably a few hundred £ excess on your parent's house insurance, so even if they did pay out, it would only be a hundred or two, plus your parent's insurance premiums will go up, so not worth claiming on that.

Can you get a lock put on your door?

ChelleDawg2020 · 13/03/2018 15:13

Unfortunately your mother and husband are also suspects. Yes your brother has form, but the other two have the opportunity as well - especially your husband, who knew about the money and may well feel entitled to it as it is jointly his.

It's weird they didn't take it all. That points more to it being someone who thinks the money is their own (your husband) than a thief, because why would they only take part of it?

I think you have to write it off as an expensive lesson. You need some kind of proof or an admission if you are to get your brother convicted. I would set up a camera in your room and leave the rest of the money clearly on display. If he is the dishonest one as you think he will not be able to resist the temptation, you will get the video evidence needed and be able to contact the police. You can get a cheap dashcam and set it recording constantly, and then if the money disappears review the evidence.

HollyBayTree · 13/03/2018 15:16

Trouble is , you are held over a barrel

If you do report th theft there is absolutely no evidence, no proff, the best you could hope for is a good talking to, but frankly all thepolice will do is issue a crime number and it will bump up your area statistics.

My parents are both terrified he will end up in prison if they don’t support him so that’s just the way things are now. Like most parents, they will do anything to keep their child safe. What happens when they eventually run out of money? Will they sell the house to fund his habit?

GayAllen · 13/03/2018 15:18

Hasn’t he got anything you could take and sell?

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 15:18

We can’t get a lock. We’re staying in what used to be an annex but is now connected to DMs home so it’s all the same house. He doesn’t come over a lot but I did come home once and he was over in our part which was a bit odd. He said he’d just come looking to see if we were in.

As I said I’m not really hoping to get the money back now it’s a matter of do I have it out with him or not? Don’t really want to because it will cause upset for DPs and will also cause huge arguments and stress. Don’t really want my toddler to whitness any of that to be honest. However if I just leave it he’s just getting away with this behaviour again with no one pulling him up on it. I’m so sick of their being no consequences to his actions.

I’ll probably calm down a bit later and end up just keeping quiet but being really careful in future. It sucks though. Do people like this ever change??

OP posts:
HollyBayTree · 13/03/2018 15:19

Video evidence isnt admissible in court.

You'd satisfy your own piece of mind but thats about it.

Like any gambler your DB has dipped in, that one bet, his luck will change, he'll win .... oh no, he dipped in again to recover his losses ... hes won, its a winning streak, he can double his money ... oops ... and you got to the reamining E100 before he did to cover his last losses

Original poster
Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 15:24

I totally get that technically DH and DM are suspects. However both have plenty of money. There would be no reason for them to take it and definitely not to lie about it. Both very moral and honest people. DB on the other hand has no money due to his gambling addiction and is a compulsive liar.

And yes I understand that they will do anything to help their child. I understand more than ever since becoming a mum. They will go to any lengths - I’ve tried explaining that I won’t take over once they’re gone but they won’t aknowledge this. They just want to keep him out of trouble and don’t want to rock the boat - he’s threatened suicide before.

OP posts:
Swipe left for the next trending thread