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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To accuse with no evidence

37 replies

Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 12:52

I really don’t want to post this but I don’t know how else to handle the situation.

Just moved in with DM while my house is being built. DB lives with her too. Have realised this morning that €400 that I’d set aside as spending money for a holiday in August has gone missing (it was €500 in total there is €100 left). Just so I’ve covered all the facts:

when we first moved here me and DH counted the money and put it in a “safe place” so it definitely didn’t get lost in the move.
have checked with DH and he definitely hasn’t moved it or spent it and it was in a place our toddler could not have accessed
DB has a gambling problem and a track record of stealing and when I asked DM this morning when the last time he’d taken anything was she said they don’t leave valuables out anymore.

Basically i suspect DB has taken the money. However I have absolutely zero proof and he is very convincing and a VERY good liar. I’m really not sure what to do. I want to ask him but there’s probably no point as he just won’t admit it even if he did. What do I do? Just accept that we were foolish knowing his track record and learn from our lesson? Or is there a way I can trick him into admitting it?

OP posts:

HollyBayTree · 13/03/2018 15:28

He's like any addict - something I read here the other night, an addict has to hit rock bottom, lower than rock bottom before they start climbing back out. So your parents supporing and failitating his addiction isnt helping him at all. He needs the cold hard shock treatment.

You dont go to prison for gambling ...... sowhere else is he stealing ? Is he using loan sharks? are you parents afraid he'll get badly beaten up or that undesitrable people might come to the house ?

Original poster

Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 15:31

I don’t think he’s stupid enough to use a loan shark. He’s always used pay day loan companies or gone into his overdraft and usually tops him up. The fear that he will go to prison is more because he’s been caught stealing from work before. He’s lost so many jobs that he really can’t afford to lose this one which is actually well paid and a decent job (although he’s on a final warning)

OP posts:

Avasarala · 13/03/2018 15:34

You need to confront him and get him into therapy or take him to gamblers anonymous meeting. You can't force him to stay or work at it but take him to one.
I've had person experience with this exact thing in my family and the choice was sit back and let them carry on until there is no money left to bail them out, kick them out and stop all contact or take action to help.

We took action- a new bank account was set up in the responsible family members name. The addict had their wages paid into that account and bills paid out of it. Then anything left was only allowed to be taken by the addict when they explained what it was for and they need to bring a receipt. If they didn't bring a receipt for the full amount, they were given zero money for the rest of the month and just given groceries. They were tkane to gamblers anonymous. They were offered therapy but refused but everyone just kept working on it and we got there.

They were given the choice- leave the family, have no contact and no help with anyone or agree to the above terms and stay.

You cannot keep living like this - he will clean your parents out. You and your husband want to confront him, so do it and take some control back.

Avasarala · 13/03/2018 15:38

Addiction is a disease. It's a physical thing affecting the brain. If he had a visible disease you had to look at everyday, you'd be getting him to the hospital. This isn't any different. He can refuse help but that's his choice to make - give him the choice to get help and hand over financial control to you or leave.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 13/03/2018 15:43

You need to start keeping money in the bank. If you have other valuables, put them in a safe deposit box until you have a more secure home.

AcrossthePond55 · 13/03/2018 16:10

You can get a lock for your door. There are temporary locks that can be fitted around the knob and make it impossible to access or turn the knob. There are also door alarms that emit a loud screech when a door is opened.

Even though you have no proof, I think I'd still have to say something. At least he'd know that you've noticed the theft. I'd also find somewhere out of the house to store the remaining money!

Motoko · 13/03/2018 17:18

We can’t get a lock. We’re staying in what used to be an annex but is now connected to DMs home so it’s all the same house.

What, you don't have any doors to the rooms? I doubt that, so you can get a lock. Put one on your bedroom door and keep any valuables locked up in there.

Original poster

Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 18:01

Avasarala - this all sounds great but my family wouldn’t be prepared to go through with cutting him off if he doesn’t co operate. They asked for his wages to be paid into an account that they controlled but the most he would agree is one of them had access to it. We’ve tried to encourage therapy/gamblers anonymous and he would lie about attending. It all feels a bit hopeless - sadly I think he will eventually clean them out or at least come pretty close to it.

Motoko - yes we do have doors sorry. I just meant because it’s a part of my mums house we can really just block a whole section off to them. We do have a lock on the bedroom door but I need to ask DM for the key as we’ve never bothered using it before. I think someone mentioned earlier that this is an expensive lesson which it is. We will definitely learn from it.

OP posts:

Avasarala · 13/03/2018 20:16

I'm so sorry you're in this situation - and there's no way out really if you can't take a hard line with him. I'd be walking him to a cash point the day his wages come in and getting the money back, then staying out of it as much as possible then. You're only going to end up heartbroken by what he's doing to you and your family.

I'm sorry to say it, but he's not going to magically stop and when he's no longer got your parents to support him, what happens? He's not learning that what's he's done is wrong; there's no consequences, there's always someone to bail him out. When you're parents can't afford to keep him going, it won't be a pretty time.

Good luck, and I hope you and your husband don't let it affect you any more than it has.

FraWater · 13/03/2018 20:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

ShawshanksRedemption · 13/03/2018 20:31

OP one day sadly your parents will not be around to bail out your brother and he will then be facing his addiction without their support. It's best if they can address it now whilst they are still there to help him. If he won't go or lies about going, they need to ask for help/support for themselves.

What do your DPs expect to happen with DB once they are no longer around?

Original poster

Theworstweekever · 13/03/2018 21:14

Totally agree with the comments about parents not being around forever. I’ve had this conversation with DM so many times but Its not going to change now. Going to speak to DB when he’s home tomorrow but keep calm and try approaching it in a way that I want to help him with his problem rather than going in all guns blazing. Sadly i don’t think it will help regardless I will just learn from my idiotic mistake. Thanks for all the replies!

OP posts:

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