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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not visit a smokers home when pregnant

28 replies

hairdressserintown · 12/03/2018 15:33

Travelling to see my Grandmother tomorrow but I suggested meeting somewhere in town as she smokes heavily and her house, well, stinks. She offered to just smoke in the other room and leave the windows open. I am 20 weeks pregnant. AIBU for not wanting to go to her house?

OP posts:
Elfaba · 12/03/2018 15:38

No, you’re not. But it’s very difficult. My dad smokes heavily and is very ill will cancer and can’t leave the house and this coincided with the birth of my daughter... I’ve taken her twice in the last 4 months as it seems too cruel to not let him meet/see her but it makes me uncomfortable every time. If it weren’t under these circumstances/ if I could see him anywhere else at all I wouldn’t go there.
My nan also smokes in her house but is able to go out so I would only ever see her out the house while pregnant/with baby.

Harebellmeadow · 12/03/2018 15:38

I couldn’t bear the smell of smoke whilst pregnant, it made me retch and vomit if someone was smoking within 20m. I cursed selfish people who smoked under busstop shelters when it was raining (despite clear non-smoking notices) and I rather unreasonably wished them an accelerated death through smoking.
Passive smoking isn’t good for you, but it’s your grandmother who you have been visiting all your life and it probably wouldn’t do sooo much harm for a few hours, of you can beat it. But still YANBU and are entitled to not go/wait for warmer weather and sit in the garden. Could you offer to pay for cake at the local bakery or afford take her out to dinner?

Harebellmeadow · 12/03/2018 15:39

*if you can bear it

InDubiousBattle · 12/03/2018 15:40

Does the smell make any nausea worse? Tbh I wouod always prefer not to be sat in a smelly house but I wouldn't have any specific health concerns if it was infrequent.

LockedOutOfMN · 12/03/2018 15:42

I wouldn't go.

Pinkvoid · 12/03/2018 15:43

I can’t stand the smell of smoke when pregnant, it makes me heave but there’s also the fact that passive smoking has actually been proven worse for people’s health than first hand so I wouldn’t risk it.

OutyMcOutface · 12/03/2018 15:44

Do you not want to go because you are worried about your baby’s health (it’s not really going to have an effect is it?) or because you have morning sickness and the smell will be unbearable?

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 15:54

Ooo I had my NHS antenatal class on Saturday and the midwives said that if someone smokes, they have to go outside to smoke as far from the house (you+baby) as possible. Take off a jacket when coming in and wash hands THEN wait for atleast an hour before holding or being around the baby because their breath / hair / clothes will still have carbon monoxide? which the baby will breath in and will increase the risk of cot death.

I asked what age the risks are reduced as my stepdad smokes (outside) and they said never!

FranticallyPeaceful · 12/03/2018 15:57

Ugh, it’s so difficult. My son has a liver/lung condition and I’m pregnant, so even before pregnancy visiting my dad was really hard as he’s a heavy smoker. I’ve offered to buy him a vape machine, which is still not good but a hell of a lot better than the smoke. I’ve asked him and he also said he would smoke in the other room... what can you say to that? The house is already full of smoke though so there’s also that.
I want to see him but it’s a barrier I can’t cross because of my son (and now unborn baby)... although also my eldest, as it will still effect him just not as much.

I have no input I just wanted to say I understand, and I hope somebody posts something helpful!

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 15:59

Posted too soon! As for whilst you're pregnant, there's a lot of research saying how second hand smoke has just as many negative effects ta as first hand during pregnancy so it's something you'll need to consider.

I'm sure anyone who smokes would respect your decision to protect and safeguard your child if you choose to follow the NHS guidlines.

MissYeti · 12/03/2018 16:04

My DP smokes outside and won't smoke in the car if I'm in it but whenever we visit his dad I'm in a house full of smoke. We only go once every few months so maybe 3 times since I fell pregnant (34 weeks today). I figure once in a blue moon isn't going to do any lasting damage but that is entirely my opinion and I wouldn't suggest you were being unreasonable if you didn't want to be in a house filled with second hand smoke.

You're the only one that can decide what you're willing to expose your baby to, no one can tell you either way that you're right or wrong x

falsepriest · 12/03/2018 16:10

Doubt I’d visit a smoker full stop.

ReginaldMolehusband · 12/03/2018 16:21

I imagine you would be subjected to more toxins in the time you spend outside your grandmothers house than in it so just be honest and say you won't visit because her house stinks.

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 16:45

Actually Reginald, according to the NHS you're incorrect:

^Secondhand and thirdhand smoke is a lethal cocktail of more than 4,000 irritants, toxins and cancer-causing substances.

Most secondhand smoke is invisible and odourless, so no matter how careful you think you're being, people around you still breathe in the harmful poisons.

Opening windows and doors or smoking in another room in the house doesn't protect people. Smoke can linger in the air for two to three hours after you've finished a cigarette, even with a window open. And even if you limit smoking to one room, the smoke will spread to the rest of the house where people can inhale it^

ReginaldMolehusband · 12/03/2018 16:52

Nope, missing from that shite is the amounts of toxins etc.. That's just anti smoking nonsense designed to demonise smoking and very successful it is too.
Anyone knows it's the dose that makes the poison not the scary names and amounts of them.
As seen recently in Salisbury a rub down with a baby wipe should be enough to counter the risk of exposure to nerve agents. I imagine 2nd/3rd hand smoke isn't as toxic as a nerve agent although you'd never know by these types of threads that appear regularly.

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 16:54

I'll just leave the think here for you Reginald...

www.nhs.uk/Livewell/smoking/Pages/passive-smoking.aspx

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 12/03/2018 17:23

That's just anti smoking nonsense designed to demonise smoking and very successful it is too.

Don't care. Smoking's foul to be around, and people who choose to smoke are doing precisely that: choosing to smoke. You can prove it's not only harmless but actively beneficial to my health and I still don't want to be around: it stinks. If that makes smokers social pariahs, I also don't care. They've got a simple choice: stop smoking. If they can't stop, that's not my problem. If they don't want to stop, that's even less my problem.

ReginaldMolehusband · 12/03/2018 17:27

Doesn't change anything I've said above. Yes, passive smoking may be a slight risk exposed continually over time but in this instance, a brief visit where there's no smoking isn't an issue.
Name me one other lawful section of society this would be acceptable and I rather unreasonably wished them an accelerated death

Look into the research behind these pronouncements, as I have, and you'll see that public health long ago abandoned honesty and decided to lie to further their crusades as they are now doing with alcohol, sugar and junk convenience foods.

sirlee66 · 12/03/2018 17:39

Reginald, of course it changes what you said above!

I imagine you would be subjected to more toxins in the time you spend outside your grandmothers house than in it

The NHS link completely discredits that opinion...

Ummmmgogo · 12/03/2018 17:43

you are so lucky to have a grandma as an adult. I would happy to sit in a room with someone smoking crack to get 10 mins with my grandma Sad

ReginaldMolehusband · 12/03/2018 18:22

sirlee66 No it doesn't, as I said above it's the dosage of toxins exposed to not how many there are. There's a carcinogen in pears and vaccines yet they are proven safe because of how low the dose is however list their constituents and you get scary chemicals oooooooer!

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 12/03/2018 19:42

a brief visit where there's no smoking isn't an issue.

People are perfectly entitled to make an issue out of anything they like when it comes to choosing where to go and whom to visit.

"They're a fool with money to burn whose habit makes my clothes smell" is as valid a reason to keep my distance as any other.

I had a elderly relative who (a) complained about not being able to afford to heat her house and (b) smoked forty a day. It would take someone with a heart of stone not to laugh. She could have stopped smoking and paid her gas bill. She chose not to. She could have stopped smoking and been visited by me and my small children. She chose not to. Life's about choices, and choosing to smoke is entirely the smoker's choice.

ReginaldMolehusband · 13/03/2018 00:33

Of course they can choose, but this thread where the OP has vanished, appears to be typical anti smokers/pregnant woman goady bollocks.
She can certainly choose not to visit, she's trying to justify not going, if real, because of potential harm to an unborn child.
Tis complete shite with no basis in science but she thinks her Grandmas house stinks so that should be reason enough for her to refuse to visit, if you're a twat.

CuboidalSlipshoddy · 13/03/2018 12:43

thinks her Grandmas house stinks so that should be reason enough for her to refuse to visit

Yep. I'd refuse to visit a house that stinks, too.

AnElderlyLadyOfMediumHeight · 13/03/2018 13:24

YANBU, OP, and I agree wholeheartedly with Cuboidal's posts.

I hink we (collectively) still minimise the risks and negative impacts of smoking because so many people still do it, and if we don't ourselves then maybe our parents/grandparents do/did and we don't like to think of them putting us at risk for selfish reasons. There's science coming out about thirdhand smoke which is demonstrating how dangerous it potentially is, and exposure to smoke before and after birth is linked to all kinds of awful outcomes, including, IIRC, meningococcal disease, but people cling to what they grew up knowing and don't like to be challenged on that. It's the 'never did me any harm' stuff. I think smoking would be more quickly consigned to history where it belongs if more people were consistent about protecting their and their children's health even in the face of family pressure.

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