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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cry all the time

32 replies

Saturnday · 24/02/2018 23:22

I always have. Not in a depressed way, just whenever things go wrong, or I am tired, I weep.

I don’t do ‘delicate’ crying- it’s all or nothing complete with red eyes and runny nose. It happens at home mostly, but also at work, if I get overwhelmed.

I am 35, and I am embarrassed that I have this tendency, so undignified, but I can’t seem to help it.

What do you think of cryers?
Do you judge us as weak, immature, unprofessional?
How can I try and stop?

You can be honest, but not too hash pls- I might cry Wink

OP posts:
redexpat · 24/02/2018 23:30

I used to do this as a teenager and young adult. Stopped pretty much as soon as I met now DH. I think I just feel stronger knowing that someone has got my back. If knew my parents loved me but we didnt have a very positive relationship. It wasnt negative either it was just existing if that makes sense.

pandarific · 24/02/2018 23:34

I am an emotional clam, so the way you are is very different to the way I am. Oh, I'm happy to weep at a sad film or book - but real life? And AROUND PEOPLE?? I haaate losing emotional control personally, but you're you and that's fine.

I wouldn't normally judge but you seem to be saying it happens a lot at work - is that right? I would internally eye-roll and give you a qide berth because I'd fear being drawn in somehow (due to emotional clam tendencies as per above) if you'd done it more than twice about stuff that isn't extremely serious, but I wouldn't give it much more thought than that.

Original poster
Saturnday · 24/02/2018 23:36

Thanks, that’s interesting redexpat. I am single, but happily so. Perhaps a relationship would help, but nobody’s on the scene at the moment.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saturnday · 24/02/2018 23:38

Thanks pandarific. I wish I had your emotional control. I cry at work when I get overwhelmed, maybe onve or twice a year? I hold it in, but as soon as somebody asks me if I’m okay, the floodgates open.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 24/02/2018 23:38

I ignore it, sorry OP. I have people around me who just cry regularly and I do an eye roll and ignore it completely. It’s tiresum to be around.

However as long as you just get on with it and don’t need comforting every time then crack on.

smithsinarazz · 24/02/2018 23:42

I used to be like that. Couldn't stop myself. I have a long history of depression but that didn't explain why it was so blooming messy. Like you, I felt undignified and childish. I used to think, whenever I started crying, whatever the argument was, I've lost it. I'm pretty sure that at least some people thought I was turning on the waterworks for sympathy.
It all stopped when I got pregnant. Like flicking a switch. I haven't actually lost the depression, so that can't be it. I do cry, sometimes, a bit, but - no more than I've seen it in other people. It's SUCH a relief.
I'm not saying I'd advise getting pregnant in order to stop crying, because that would be crazy. I just mean to say I understand, and don't judge you as being anything bad or good at all.

pandarific · 24/02/2018 23:44

Ah, once or twice a year is FINE op. I thought you meant e.g.once a month! I have seen too many colleagues weep at their desks, it happens - that said, it shouldn't. Are you generally happy at work?

I have wept myself, just tend to leave the building and hide around the corner / in a loo cubicle then plaster on the foundation to hide it.

Snowysky20009 · 24/02/2018 23:45

If there is a cryer at work, I do the eye roll and give them a wide birth. I find it very unprofessional and undignified. Sorry.

Snowysky20009 · 24/02/2018 23:47

Plus everyone talks about about them behind their back and not in a pleasant way. Not saying your workplace is like that!

AlexaAmbidextra · 24/02/2018 23:52

Honestly? You'd get on my bloody nerves. By all means cry if something really sad or upsetting happens but I see people (women) that cry at the drop of a hat as manipulative.

Original poster
Saturnday · 24/02/2018 23:54

Panda, yes I’m generally happy, but it’s the sort of job with peaks and troughs and when it gets very busy I usually become sleep deprived and before I know it I’m having a mini meltdown. Other people don’t cry at work though so I do feel self conscious and immature.

OP posts:
Original poster
Saturnday · 24/02/2018 23:56

I would stop if I could believe me! Any tips? How do you hold back tears when you feel them coming?

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peachgreen · 25/02/2018 00:01

I'm a cryer. I can't help it. It's completely involuntary. I hide it as best I can (which is actually pretty well - very rare that anyone other than my husband / family would know that I'd cried) but when my boss caught me I explained that I don't need him to pay me any attention when I cry, that it's involuntary and if I had a genuine problem I needed him to address I would speak to him, so to please ignore it/me if it ever happened again in future. That worked perfectly.

gamerchick · 25/02/2018 00:15

I would stop if I could believe me! Any tips? How do you hold back tears when you feel them coming?

Nip yourself firmly, but obviously if you’re just in the company of people.

You can train yourself out of it by recognising when your pressure cooker is filling up. Be selfish, be protective of your mental health and have something to do to release pressure regularly. Don’t let it build up in the first place as much as you can.

DunnoWhy · 25/02/2018 00:28

I read about vitamin B12 for strong nervous system and self control. There is a relationship between B12 and being able to control emotional displays.

BitOfFun · 25/02/2018 00:30

Twice a year at work is fine- I wouldn't worry.

mrbob · 25/02/2018 00:36

I used to do this more because I was studying for exams and exhausted. If I got frustrated or angry at work I would just burst into tears. Now my exams are done I can somehow control it more. I had some spectacular meltdowns but a lot of my colleagues did too because of the situation we work in and it was sort of half accepted as part of our lives

The times I do think about crying now are just when I am REALLY tired and it feels totally different because I recognise it and know it is brewing rather than it exploding from nowhere. I tend to warn the people I am working with that it might happen and not to be alarmed then go off to the loo if I feel it coming on and wait it out :) All I can say is as with other people it might just go away at some point! Otherwise the things that helped were the out of work stuff- getting enough sleep, meditation, exercising etc but I feel your pain!

RitasEducation · 25/02/2018 01:18

I have done this when I was working fulltime, before I was diagnosed with PMDD.

I only work part time now and try to avoid it in work at all costs. It is definitely seen as a weakness in work.

I was in a full time job for 8 years with an excellent team they knew I was a tad emotional again before diagnoses and it was fine as we were all matey.

My job now is very military environment, call center type, It would not be tolerated its the reason I stick part time.

Stompythedinosaur · 25/02/2018 01:35

I think there's a difference between crying discreetly because you can't help it and crying openly in front of others. I struggle with the latter tbh.

doesthislookoddtoyou · 25/02/2018 01:37

The people I have known who would cry at work were highly manipulative. Crying is a good way to shut down other people, to remove yourself from criticism, and to avoid confrontation. It's unprofessional and immature.

Original poster
Saturnday · 25/02/2018 02:08

Thanks for all the responses here.

Doesthislookoddtoyou- while I would definitely not call myself manipulative and there is never a motive to my tears, what you say is interesting. As a child a telling off in my home would usually only stop when I cried. I think that was the sign my mother was waiting for that she’d got through to me and that I was genuinely sorry for whatever I’d done. I wonder if it might be a learned response from my very early days, i.e. crying makes the shame go away and people are nice to me? I’m conditioned to it!

Maybe that’s enough psychology for the middle of the night...

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kateandme · 25/02/2018 02:21

i dont think its weak to cry or manipulative or have to be learned response to mak things happens or not happen.
some people show emotion lots some people don't.it doesn't make you lesser or more of a person.if you feel something at the same time as someone else and once of you crys the other doesn't I think they can both be feeling the same,infact ive seen it its just a show of how you deal or let these things out.
like when someone dies.some people sob.some people shed a fear tears.some don't.it doesn't mean either feel it less or more or care more or less.

RingFence · 25/02/2018 07:24

I warm to people who cry, if it seems like an involuntarily thing rather than manipulative. I've worked with people who cried a lot and I don't think anyone thought any less of them. One lady always said 'sorry i just feel a bit emotional right now' and would pop off to the loo to get tissues/calm down/fix her face. She used to cry whenever there was conflict even if it wasn't about her! She was a lovely lady, very warm and kind.
I don't see its any different to blushing really. You can't always control it.

DomesticAnarchist · 25/02/2018 08:02

Reading this with interest as I experience similar to the @Saturnday.

I think I need to do as a PP said and try to recognise that building feeling, and then excuse myself from whatever it is as @RingFence's colleague does.

Looking forward to reading other tips though!

GrannyGrissle · 25/02/2018 08:50

If you look up with your eyeballs not your head! It stops you crying. I have all the emotion of a corpse. I would find an adult crier odd, babyish and assume they had mental health issues which possibly not being addressed.