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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Anyone who thinks kids with ASD aren't capable of empathy....

64 replies

Greensleeves · 22/02/2018 18:11

...is wrong.

I am going through some pretty heavy stuff at the moment, and I'm also ill and couldn't face cooking tonight - dh and ds2 are out anyway, so it was only for ds1, who is 15 and has Asperger's. I gave him some money to go and get himself whatever he would like to eat. I also gave him a big cuddle and said "sorry I'm a bit of a crap mum at the moment, I love you very much".

He replied "You're not a crap mum, because you've brought me up to understand that you're a human being too and can't always be perfect, and at my age I should be able to sort myself out sometimes when you're having a bad time".

I'm actually crying (he's gone out).

OP posts:
GhoulWithADragonTattoo · 22/02/2018 18:14

What a great DS you have! I’ll be proud if mine are as understanding at 15. Star

Trinity36 · 22/02/2018 18:24

You should be proud of yourself, he sounds amazing. You’ve done a wonderful job bringing him up. High fives and big hugs to both of you xx

APontypandyPioneer · 22/02/2018 18:27

That's beautiful. You should feel super proud!

carrie74 · 22/02/2018 18:37

Oh that's lovely Star

I've been very busy with work lately, lots of extra work at home and trying to juggle 50.000 balls (not particularly different to most, but it's been a bit busier than my normal). As I brought my 10YO Asperger DS home yesterday I asked him how his day was. He put his hand on my arm, and said 'no Mummy, how was YOUR day? You must feel very stressed out '. He cracks me up!

Original poster
Greensleeves · 22/02/2018 18:43

carrie that's so lovely :)

DS1 is a gem. Argumentative, opinionated, stubborn - but so altruistic and kind. I love the little bugger to bits.

OP posts:
MrsMaxwell · 22/02/2018 18:47

That’s lovely - my DS2 is also 15 with ASD and he’s quite often caring and empathetic.

He even lets me hug him occasionally Grin

Yellowshadeofgreen · 22/02/2018 18:49

My DS with ASD has the most empathy of my 3kids. He is bizarrely in tune with what people are feeling and he seems to feel the emotions too.

Titsywoo · 22/02/2018 18:52

My DS took longer to learn empathy but he is getting there. He is 11 now and changes all the time. Just like any child but some things were just harder for him to get.

Snowysky20009 · 22/02/2018 18:56

What a proud moment!

My ds14, nt, said to me Christmas day after I apologised (whilst crying) for such a bad Christmas as all my illness' had kicked in at once 'mum it's been perfect, I seen all my family on Christmas Day because I visited everyone, had a lovely dinner at nannies even though you were not
well enough to come plus I had everything I wanted and more. It's been perfect thank you'.

I think sometimes we underestimate our kids, and they can surprise us! But I do appreciate that for those of you with a child with special needs that it's an even bigger achievement!

Firstworddinosaur · 22/02/2018 18:58

Beautiful x

Marley45 · 22/02/2018 18:59

Ah that is so lovely. You must be very proud!

mrsBeverleyGoldberg · 22/02/2018 19:08

It's true. I'm so glad you posted this as I'm fed up with people making negative comments about autistic people. My friend gets confused with rude and autism. My ds1 who has Aspergers has just been very thoughtful to me just now.
Congratulations to you and your son.Star

HateIsNotGood · 22/02/2018 19:10

Lovely, lovely thread - DS16 (ASD) is also one of the most caring people I know - he doesn't outwardly appear to be, but he really is - he just doesn't do virtual signalling very well Grin.

When he was younger and going through hell it would be difficult to see him that way - so to all those with the younger ones - there really is a light at the end.....see how many of us with older ASD DC are saying it.

Original poster
Greensleeves · 22/02/2018 19:25

That's so true about not being good at virtue signalling Grin

When ds1 was about 8 he had yet another experience of being publicly excluded from a class party - invitations handed out in class, and the little girl said "my mum says you can't come" etc. Same old.

He didn't cry or show any emotion. Later that evening I found him hunched over some paper with his pens, and asked him what he was doing. He said "I'm making X a birthday card. I know it's her birthday because she is having a party, and she is still my friend even though she didn't let me come to her party".

Cried then too. Bloody kids.

OP posts:
HateIsNotGood · 22/02/2018 20:05

Those were the days weren't they Greensleeves? So much exclusion and isolation in so many ways - and so many private parent tears; any tears I cry now are of relief; the 'powers that be' (school, etc, etc,etc,..) tried throwing DS on the scrap heap (and me under a bus) when he was only 6.

Fought like a demon, intellectually and stamina-wise, moved out of area, moved back. We were not defeated - are not defeated - despite current minor attempts by 'minor' officers.

The Finish Line is in sight and DS will make it, in Mainstream. I possibly might be on a stretcher stating "we made it, we made it".

aka Float

Original poster
Greensleeves · 22/02/2018 21:57

I know the feeling - so, so many battles and heartaches over the years and so much ignorant mean-spiritedness. Thankfully ds1 is nearly 6 foot now and very self-confident (swans around in a fedora) and has a cloe-knit group of friends, so I think we're over the worst in terms of the bullying and exclusion. I think we can help reduce the problem by ALWAYS challenging people who casually conflate ASD with lack of empathy/heartlessness/selfishness, whether online or IRL.

OP posts:
villainousbroodmare · 22/02/2018 21:59

How lovely. You must be so proud. Smile

geekymommy · 22/02/2018 23:18

The part of empathy that AS people have trouble with is knowing what other people are feeling. Contrast with psychopaths, who can tell how other people are feeling but aren’t interested in making other people feel good.

Brokenbiscuit · 22/02/2018 23:23

He sounds lovely, OP. Hope you feel better after a good rest.Flowers

Original poster
Greensleeves · 23/02/2018 00:52

I agree with that definition up to a point, geeky, but what many people fail to realise is that people with ASD can learn how to recognise and respond to cues and overcome that deficit to a large extent. In some ways ds1 has more highly developed empathic and social skills than ds2, because he has spent so much time and effort studying and exploring them. I'm not tallking about a "cure" (we wouldn't want one!) but the social impairments of an able teen with Aspergers can definitely be overcome to some degree with the right support early on.

OP posts:
Original poster
Greensleeves · 23/02/2018 14:44

hope that didn't sound patronising geeky! Just reread it and it sounds a bit mansplainy (not a man, but...)

OP posts:
BlueMirror · 23/02/2018 14:50

I don't even necessarily think there is an empathy deficit. More just that people with asd may not react in a typical way when they feel for others. My son used to walk away when his friends fell over for eg and I initially thought he was escaping the noise of their cries and it seemed quite uncaring. Once he was a bit older and more able to explain himself he told me that it used to make him so sad that he had to move away and pretend it hadn't happened! So if anything he has hyper empathy skills! He is always the first to check if an upset child is ok now while other my kids just step over them so I've always struggled with the asd = no empathy stereotype.

Spudlet · 23/02/2018 14:52

My brother has Aspergers but sadly wasn't diagnosed until he was 17 and then refused to accept it for a long time, so missed out on a great deal of help and support. He nevertheless tries his best. He often gets it wrong (classic example: me jokingly saying 'Does my bum look big in this?' Him: 'I'm terribly sorry, but yes, a bit. I thought I should tell you because otherwise you'd have gone out with your bum looking big' Grin). But he does really try. His heart is absolutely in the right place. He truly cares.

kateandme · 23/02/2018 15:00

with ours it was lke he almost felt too muc,or just the same but didn't understand it.so sad was inexplainable it was more painful so he reacted by screaming.the pain in his chest felt so real.
like it so black and white they cant like us thinkim hppy sad or confused.yet the feeling is there thy cant explain or rationalise it its jus there this feeling. so angr was like a boiling pot,and that is what it was a boiling pot inside a boy. he could calm down because he just felt it,so real,the pathways we have to see around things and calm and rationalise just weren't available to him.
so caring to had no agenda behind it which meant he got taken advantage of and thought of as weird often
anger was explosive.
fear sent him running to almos try and get away from it!
we hug because we show our feelings wheras to him he felt the love yt didn't no to do such things.
"I thnk at this point cousin I am meant to put my arms around you,ive seen mum do it when you cry so i think it would be the right thing to do at this point...and then you will stop,yes?."such a sweetie

notsohippychick · 23/02/2018 15:05

I love this!!!!

My son is 6 and unfortunately really struggling to get him to understand Mummy is human and can’t always play with him, or sometimes I am poorly and can’t do what he wants me to. We are having a really rough time with him. Sometimes I feel like he dictates my every move!!

Any tips how to make him more understanding of others needs? I adore him, and want him to learn others matter too.