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AIBU?

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Original poster

To not get the joke?

28 replies

Funnysheep · 21/02/2018 19:25

It's half term here and I've a week off with my two dc. 9yo and 3yp.

Today I put a film on a put out a few sweets for them each in a bowl. It was a handful of popcorn each, about 6 chocolate buttons, and about 6 jelly sweets.

The youngest didn't eat the jelly sweets or popcorn, just the chocolate buttons, I knew he wouldn't and that's fine, he'd rather eat fruit and yoghurt, but I just put out what I had in, so he was the same as his brother, it was more a treat for the eldest who does like sweets.

So dh came home from work, asks what we've been up to today and so on, starts acting all surprised that we've had sweets and helps himself to some.

After dinner the youngest asks for yoghurt, dh turns to me and says I should have just given ds1 a yoghurt with the film as it's no good introducing him to all those sweets.

I told him there's no harm offering him a few sweets with a film and to stop criticising everything I do (which he does).

He says he was joking and I can't take a joke, apparently I was supposed to laugh and agree with him. I'm a miserable git who can't take a joke.

I don't get it.

OP posts:
peachypetite · 21/02/2018 19:27

This seems like a complete non issue. You're over thinking it unless there's some deeper thing going on here?

44PumpLane · 21/02/2018 19:28

He doesn't understand what a joke is- YANBU

Knittedfairies · 21/02/2018 19:29

I always thought I knew what a joke was; apparently not. Definitely over-thinking it.

Original poster
Funnysheep · 21/02/2018 19:31

I feel as though he criticises everything I do with the dc.

I work part time and do most of the childcare, if I leave the youngest in nursery for an extra hour to nip to the shops I'm 'cruel'. It wears thin after a while.

I feel he was having a dig at me for giving the youngest sweets, then making out it was a joke because I called him out on it.

OP posts:
XiCi · 21/02/2018 19:33

It wasn't a joke though was it. He was being a twat and he got pulled up on it so is trying to make out he wasn't being serious.

Jason118 · 21/02/2018 19:33

You're reading of it seems right - he was being a jerkSmile

Thistlebelle · 21/02/2018 19:35

“It was a joke” is frequently the defence of a bully.

He’s their parent too he’s allowed to discuss their upbringing but politely and with respect.

Brian9600 · 21/02/2018 19:37

I feel as though he criticises everything I do with the dc.

This seems the key here. It was hardly joke of the century anyway but, if you're feeling got at, even small things can be hurtful. Have you spoken to him generally about how you feel? I think sometimes couples can end up upsetting each other because one person thinks they are offering helpful advice and the other takes it as relentless criticism.

FrozenMargarita17 · 21/02/2018 19:38

Aw I can just imagine them sitting there with their little treats in front of a film.

Your Dh is a knob.

DinahMo · 21/02/2018 19:39

YANBU. I hate it when people claim they are ‘joking’ when really they are just being bloody rude. Picking at you isn’t funny. You were reasonable to call him on it; and if his response is anything other than “I’m sorry you feel that I’m constantly criticising you, let’s talk about it” then really your issues are bigger than yoghurt vs sweets

Fosterdog123 · 21/02/2018 19:39

Honestly, I'd tell him to fuck off. I can't stand people having sly digs and criticising. I'd sit him down, tell him that the nitpicking stops immediately and one more critical nitpick from him will see a nuclear explosion. It's a deal breaker for me and no wonder you're so worn down with it all.

Original poster
Funnysheep · 21/02/2018 19:43

I suppose I think he's a hypocrite. He gives them junk food when it suits him, if he goes into the shops and wants to treat them.

So I feel why have a dig at me.

They don't have sweets every day. Only usually at the cinema or at parties. This was the first time I've attempted to watch a film with the 3yo.

OP posts:
Fosterdog123 · 21/02/2018 19:54

You don't have to explain yourself to either us or to him. It sounds like he's got you to the point of doubting yourself and feeling like you have to justify yourself. Well you don't! You sound like a lovely, kind, thoughtful parent.

UpstartCrow · 21/02/2018 19:59

''He says he was joking and I can't take a joke, apparently I was supposed to laugh and agree with him. I'm a miserable git who can't take a joke.''

DARVO - deny, attack, reverse victim and offender.
It was a criticism not a joke, it wasn't funny, and he adds insult to injury by acting this way.

Adult behaviour would be to apologise for overreacting to a few sweets.

SharonMott · 21/02/2018 20:04

He was having a pop at you and decided to back off from it. Making out it was a joke is a lame ass thing to do and it sounds like he does this sort of thing to destabilise you emotionally and try and make you feel like a lemon. Gaslighting in fact.

TeatimeForTheSoul · 21/02/2018 20:06

Sounds like you’re right Funnysheep he was criticising you, you called him out on it and he got all defensive.
Can you sit him down and ask him why he feels the need to criticise you so much? (hav some preprepared examples)

lottiegarbanzo · 21/02/2018 20:06

You don't have to explain your small, everyday parenting decisions like that. If he really wants to discuss them, the right time to do it is away from the dc, calmly, as part of a proper, two-way conversation.

If he wants to micromanage your parenting, when you are doing the childcare, then you get to do the same to him, about his work.

Having a go at someone and joking are not the same thing. 'I don't see anyone laughing, could you explain the punchline?' would be one response.

lottiegarbanzo · 21/02/2018 20:10

Also, never defend yourself. To do so tells him he was justified in criticising you. Make statements if you must. 'We are doing this, then we will do that'. 'If you'd like a discussion about parenting choices, we'll do that after dinner, when the dcs are in bed.'

CPtart · 21/02/2018 20:25

If he can parent better suggest he goes pt and does the majority of the childcare instead of you. I guarantee he won't be so keen!

GnotherGnu · 21/02/2018 20:27

He sounds like one of those pillocks who tries to pass off nastiness as "just banter". Tell him to go and find out what a joke is.

GabsAlot · 22/02/2018 00:59

sounds like a bully to me

oh it was only a joke then turns it back on you for not getting it-twat

CadyHeron · 22/02/2018 01:07

Meh. Complete non issue unless you want it to be.
If DH pulled that, I'd say "it's movie night, it's the law to have a little bowl of sweets with it."
Then carried on being normal and breezy and let him stew if he so wished. Smile

VladmirsPoutine · 22/02/2018 01:45

It depends on the wider context of the relationship. If he is constantly criticising your parenting then you are right to be angry, or indeed if he is being rude but brushing it off as you being po-faced then you are right to be angry.

As a one-off I wouldn't make too much off it. But if within a pattern of constant and sustained criticism then I'd have to have a rethink.

Have you managed to have a proper conversation about how his words affect you?

And who doesn't watch a film without a few sweets or junk?! The 3yr old was most likely delighted that he got to hang out with his big brother watching a film and eating a few sweets!

BadaBoomBoom · 22/02/2018 01:57

The youngest didn't eat the jelly sweets or popcorn, just the chocolate buttons, I knew he wouldn't and that's fine, he'd rather eat fruit and yoghurt

So why didn't you give him a 'treat' that he would actually want, ie a yoghurt or fruit? Confused

DarkPeakScouter · 22/02/2018 02:05

He sounds a bit off

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