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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WhatsApp group etiquette

30 replies

Eighttimeseight · 19/02/2018 22:58

Someone close to me died. What do you think of people sending condolences on a WhatsApp group?

I think it's lazy and impersonal but perhaps this is the way these things are done now?

OP posts:
VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2018 23:01

Depends on your relationship with (a) the deceased and (b) the person sending condolences.

I'm sorry for your loss. But if it were say for example my mother that died and my old boss sent me a whatsapp I'd thank him. If it were my husband then I'd be going nuclear.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2018 23:02

I think it depends on what’s normal. I’ve had texts, emails and WhatsApp messages before. It’s the sentiment not the medium that matters to me.

VladmirsPoutine · 19/02/2018 23:03

In group conversations it was bound to happen anyway.

HoHoHoHo · 19/02/2018 23:03

I think a private message is more appropriate than a group one for things like that.

PurpleDaisies · 19/02/2018 23:03

Forgot to say, sorry for your loss. Flowers

Apontypandypioneer · 19/02/2018 23:06

Sorry for your loss. Flowers

I think it all depends who the people in the WhatsApp group are.

YANBU if they are close friends, family etc as they should surely make an effort to contact you in a more personal way.

However if it is acquaintances and in the form of a continuation of news sharing (eg someone sent condolences and this bought it to the attention of others) then I would say that's reasonable.

PurpleRobe · 19/02/2018 23:08

Depends who died who else is on the group and who is writing the message.

Sorry for your loss

Doobigetta · 19/02/2018 23:08

Personally, I think messages like that should be private. It only needs to be heard by the recipient- if there are any other witnesses I'm afraid it comes off as virtue signalling.

saladdays66 · 19/02/2018 23:25

I think it’s lazy and impersonal. Something this important? A card. I am in my 40s. Maybe that makes a difference.

WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 19/02/2018 23:31

It’s not lazy nor impersonal; it’s thoughtful.

While I’m sorry for your loss, I think your grief is clouding your judgement here and giving you (mild?) anger over something people are doing to be nice.

BanjoStarz · 19/02/2018 23:31

It depends on the group surely?

I spoke with one of my best friends about her moms deaths mainly over WhatsApp.

But that was in a small group of “besties” where we talk about anything and everything all day long.

A group that isn’t so active or doesn’t consist of really close friends probably isn’t appropriate, message separately instead.

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2018 23:31

I think it’s OK. It would be a bit weird to not mention it on there and then receive a card.

Oldbrook · 19/02/2018 23:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Celebelly · 19/02/2018 23:57

This happened in our group recently. We sent condolences in the group as that's where the news was posted and then started another group to arrange for flowers to be delivered from us all.

Original poster
Eighttimeseight · 20/02/2018 00:01

The person who died was a family member of mine and the group is my husbands sisters in law - we get on reasonably well but not very close. Five of us in group.

I would have phoned any one of them (or at the very least sent a personal text message) if the situation were reversed.

Think WhatsApp groups should be for organising things or light banter. As this group prior to this was.

I don't like it at all - think it's inappropriate. Interesting to see how others view it.

OP posts:
WhatToDoAboutThis2017 · 20/02/2018 00:34

So, not even your husbands sister(s), but sisters in law?

WhatsApp is absolutely appropriate for that level of relationship. I would think a phone call would be unnecessary and unneeded.

Out of curiosity, what age bracket are you in OP? And what relation was the family member?

Celebelly · 20/02/2018 00:55

If I wasn't very close to someone, I wouldn't be phoning them, especially at a time when they're likely to be dealing with lots of other things. I'd find it a bit awkward to get a phone call from someone who I didn't have that kind of relationship with.

RadioGaGoo · 20/02/2018 05:28

I'm very sorry for your loss Flowers

However, I wouldn't expect any form of formal condolence from my husbands Sister in Law and would thank her for a WhatsApp message as it shows she was thinking of me. We get on very well.

WilyMinx · 20/02/2018 05:41

Sorry for your loss.

I would more likely send condolences in a personal Whatsapp message than make a phone call, but definitely not via a Whatsapp group. Agree with you 100% - I also think groups are for organising gatherings and light bantering, and are inappropriate for these type of messages.

Chrisinthemorning · 20/02/2018 06:40

My friend posted on our group whatsapp that her FIL had died recently- her DH is in the group also. We all responded via the group as it seemed natural in the conversation. I sent them a card also and when I saw my friend I said in person how sorry I was about his Dad.

PerfumeIsAMessage · 20/02/2018 06:46

Definitely OK for both that degree of separation and the fact it's a small group made up of you and that small group.

Sorry for your loss.

LaContessaDiPlump · 20/02/2018 06:57

When my mum died I received expressions of condolence from people any which way, including FB messages (private/public) and text. I was more moved by the kind gestures than anything else. I don't think there's any set correct way to express these things anymore, really.

Sorry for your loss Flowers

bimbobaggins · 20/02/2018 07:05

I think the fact you said you are not that close says everything. It was nice of them to message but wouldn’t expect a call or text, if WhatsApp is how you normally communication.
When my ex dp passed away last year i received cards, texts, calls, Facebook messenger messages,what’s app. As the pp said I was touched by everyone who got in touch and wouldn’t have considered being offended by their method.

NerrSnerr · 20/02/2018 07:07

I wouldn't expect inlaws to call me. When my sibling died I had cards, calls and texts but most communicating over messenger and WhatsApp.

mammmamia · 20/02/2018 07:45

I'm sorry for your loss.
I think it is fine if that's the way your regularly communicate with them.

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