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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to trust DP with money any more

43 replies

Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 16:40

I've posted on this before but things have moved on.

DP had a job paying £80K a year. I renovate houses for a living but my income is sporadic.

We found an unmortgatgable wreck to renovate. Agreed that I would buy it and pay for the renovations and once done he would get a mortgage and pay me back his half (£250k). It was supposed to be our long term home.

We put the house in our joint names as it would make it easier to get a mortgage later.

He was unexpectedly made redundant half way through the renovation. We agreed he would look for a new job so that he could pay me back (I planned to use the money to buy and renovate my next project.)

He recently announced, without any consultation, that he is going to play poker full time but will pay me interest on the £250k. His unilateral decision means that although my money is safe, I can't get access to my capital unless we sell the house.

He's always played poker but only as a hobby. When I asked what he would do if I gave him an ultimatum poker or me; he refused to answer the question.

I've asked him to move out (and he's agreed) and we've signed the papers to put the house into my sole name. I'm going to sell it and get access to my money.

I think the breach of trust is so great that there is no future for our relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:
Buck3t · 19/02/2018 16:42

yanbu I agree with you. but it wasn't up to you he made the choice.

Sorry this is happening.

GardenGeek · 19/02/2018 16:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

fuzzywuzzy · 19/02/2018 16:44

Does he have a gambling problem?

It sounds awful, does he have access to your money? What if he loses loads at poker?

GummyGoddess · 19/02/2018 16:44

I remember your previous post. You're doing the right thing, gambling for a living is a ridiculous pipe dream that will land him in a huge amount of debt. You need to protect yourself.

Gazelda · 19/02/2018 16:45

You're doing the right thing. Don't back down. He hasn't fought hard to save the relationship, has he?

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 17:05

Buck3t. It took me a while to to the conclusion that he's the one who broke things not me.

Gardengeek I'm certainly considering both those options. Trouble is even with lodgers a bank would not consider that relevant income for a mortgage.

fuzzywuzzy he swears blind that he doesn't have a gambling problem but I can't see how you can realistically think he can make £250000 in 2 to 3 years. I would be an idiot to wait around for him to make that at poker I'm sure it's possible but highly improbable.

Gazelda. No he hasn't. I'm absolutely reeling in shock that when I asked him to choose between poker and me he refused to answer the question. It was the nuclear option I didn't want to go there. When you realise that your partner is gambling addiction (and I do think it is an addiction) is more important to him than your relationship, there's no way back.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 19/02/2018 17:07

Yes, it's time to put yourself first and get out of that relationship. Poor you - you must have felt awful when he couldn't make that decision. It's the sign of an addict, though, and you know as well as us that you can't do anything to cure another person's addiction.

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 17:08

The kick in the teeth is that because we put the property in joint names (it cost a total of £500k to buy and renovate it's now been valued at £600) if we went our separate ways I would have to pay him 50k, even though he put virtually nothing in up front. Angry

OP posts:
PeterPiperPickedSeaShells · 19/02/2018 17:10

OP did you post about this a few days ago? Either that or there's another MNer with an identical problem

DancesWithOtters · 19/02/2018 17:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bigpizzalover · 19/02/2018 17:28

Most banks/building societies would consider it as income for a mortgage if it has a tenancy agreement and it is at least 125-145% of the mortgage payment each month (depending on lender).... but yes def get it into your name before selling or at least seek independent advice. Sorry it’s happening

DeathStare · 19/02/2018 17:31

You posted this other day didn't you and pretty much got a consensus.

Leave him, sell the house.

What do you want people to say differently this time?

caringcarer · 19/02/2018 17:38

YANBU. If you are married and get a divorce the court will award your partner half but if not married you should both take out of house exactly what you put into it. At least he agreed to put house into your name. So now it is legally yours you can decide what to do with it. Pay him off his share and move on with your life. He clearly wants the thrill of gambling more than being with you. Find another person who will make you happy. Move on.

Mrsmadevans · 19/02/2018 17:39

He's very flaky OP is he having a midlife crisis? I think he may also have an addiction to gambling if he is willing it forgo a life with you for it . I am so sorry but you are doing the right thing . When he appears on your doorstep absolutely penniless then do not weaken . Good luck OP.

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/02/2018 18:01

Ultrasonica Its sad that your relationship has unfortunately come under this pressure.
Your Dp has reneged on your financial agreement by deciding to try to make a living by gambling.
You feel that trust has been broken and so YANBU to re-evaluate your relationship. It does however appear that you have a more business relationship than a loving one. I may be wrong but that is how it appears.
If you don't love him any more then end it.
You mention that he will get 50k if you sell the property for 600k, you appear to resent this although you originally told us that your Dp earned 80k and your income was sporadic.
Surely your Dp's income has been used to keep you afloat while the renovations were being completed.
If so, then he is entitled to the 50k share of the profits.

ChasedByBees · 19/02/2018 18:05

Has he already signed papers to put it in your sole name though? Does he want / is he asking for the £50K? Did he help renovate it?

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 18:52

DeathStare

"You posted this other day didn't you and pretty much got a consensus.

Leave him, sell the house.

What do you want people to say differently this time?"

When I posted last time I had not given him the ultimatum of me or poker. I know that makes things worse not better. I just can't get over the fact that he's so reasonable in all other aspects of his life, it's "just" the poker.

OP posts:
Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 18:56

HonkyWonkWoman

His income has not exactly been used to keep us afloat. We have both paid the same amount into a joint account each month to pay all the bills. His income has however allowed me to get mortgages in the past but I did not use his income to get a mortgage in this case.

He has borrowed money from me in the past (but not vice versa).

I'm resigned to paying him half the profit in the house, even though I didn't use any of his money or his credit on this development.

OP posts:
DeathStare · 19/02/2018 19:02

I don't think many people advised you to give him that ultimatum did they? And I'm not sure how it makes the possible responses any different from last time.

If you'd given him the ultimatum and he'd said "I choose you" then I get that you might have got different answers.

But you asked him to choose and he wasn't clear that you mattered more than the poker. Do you really think that that's going to make all the people who said "leave him" think that actually maybe he's a keeper after all?

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 19:03

Mrsmadevans
I think he must be having a midlife crisis he turns 40 this year.

OP posts:
HonkyWonkWoman · 19/02/2018 19:05

I'm that case Ultrasonica
YANBU to be annoyed at having to pay him the 50k
I hope that he has the decency to not expect it.

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/02/2018 19:07

I that case Grin

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/02/2018 19:08

Jesus!!! IN that case. Grin

Backenette · 19/02/2018 19:13

We do actually know someone who is a bit of a poker whizz.

She’s incredibly sensible, treats it as a second job (she has a decent job as well) and is extremely clear eyed and realistic about it. She makes about 12-20k a year from it. We’ve spoken about this before and she’s seen an awful lot of men like this - all of them lose everything. Completely unrealistic to be expecting to make 250k in three years (our friend is a bit of a genius savant type.)

Your partners actions would be a deal breaker for me - I would see this as going one way only, and that’s down hill fast. Separate and cut all financial ties. He has an addiction and he’s making major decisions that are very poor.

Original poster
Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 19:28

honky tonk woman

It does however appear that you have a more business relationship than a loving one. I may be wrong but that is how it appears.

Sadly you're wrong, I do love him had it been just a business relationship I would have walked away as soon as the gambling reared its Ugly Head. I suppose that's why I'm posting here because it's so hard to walk away from someone who you still love.

OP posts: