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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Not to trust DP with money any more

43 replies

Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 16:40

I've posted on this before but things have moved on.

DP had a job paying £80K a year. I renovate houses for a living but my income is sporadic.

We found an unmortgatgable wreck to renovate. Agreed that I would buy it and pay for the renovations and once done he would get a mortgage and pay me back his half (£250k). It was supposed to be our long term home.

We put the house in our joint names as it would make it easier to get a mortgage later.

He was unexpectedly made redundant half way through the renovation. We agreed he would look for a new job so that he could pay me back (I planned to use the money to buy and renovate my next project.)

He recently announced, without any consultation, that he is going to play poker full time but will pay me interest on the £250k. His unilateral decision means that although my money is safe, I can't get access to my capital unless we sell the house.

He's always played poker but only as a hobby. When I asked what he would do if I gave him an ultimatum poker or me; he refused to answer the question.

I've asked him to move out (and he's agreed) and we've signed the papers to put the house into my sole name. I'm going to sell it and get access to my money.

I think the breach of trust is so great that there is no future for our relationship. AIBU?

OP posts:

Original poster

Ultrasonica · 19/02/2018 19:31

DeathStare

But you asked him to choose and he wasn't clear that you mattered more than the poker. Do you really think that that's going to make all the people who said "leave him" think that actually maybe he's a keeper after all?

Ha ha, you're right of course. It's the cognitive dissonance of what a great guy he is in almost all of the respect of life and the weirdness around poker. In the past when we have disagreed about stuff we've always been able to have a rational conversation and come to a sensible conclusion but not this time.

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 19/02/2018 23:41

Ultrasonica It does seem that he has developed a Gambling Addiction and unfortunately as you have already seen, the gambling will come first in his life.
He will go down in flames and drag you down with him.
Cut all ties monetarily! Do not lend him any money.
I'm so sorry but I feel that you will have to finish your relationship!
Look after yourself!

Aquamarine1029 · 19/02/2018 23:48

It's over. At least it should be. His first priority is himself and he has proven, with flying colours, that he can not be trusted. Consider yourself lucky to be rid before he takes you down with him.

kinkajoukid · 20/02/2018 05:29

Sorry this is happening to you. It is a real shock when someone you loves does something odd like this. But he really has been honest and upfront with you and I think he would be a huge risk to you in the future - even if you could recover your respect and trust in him which seems doubtful. Better to recognise it is over now and move on.

And thank god you got the house signed over into your name! You are lucky that he is being this reasonable. It could easily be so much worse. Please protect yourself and your investments better in the future!!

bluebells1 · 20/02/2018 06:05

I have a cousin who plays Poker for a living. He makes between 75-80k a year, but there are times when he loses a lot. My cousin is very sensible and he knows what he is doing. If stupid, he could be in massive debt. Also, he is single.

ivehadtonamechangeforthis · 20/02/2018 06:12

I think the fact he made the decision to be a poker player for a living without discussing it with you despite having joint financial commitments, couldn't/wouldn't give you an answer when asked to choose between poker and you and has agreed to move out shows what he thinks of the relationship. He's putting his wants first and isn't committed to securing a future for the two of you together. It's time to move on and leave him behind.

Original poster

Ultrasonica · 20/02/2018 08:13

ivehadtonamechangeforthis. You've put it in a nutshell there.

kinkajoukid
even if you could recover your respect and trust in him

That's just it. I don't think I could trust him again and the respect is draining away. Sometimes I look at him and feel both pity and contempt and deep down I know there's no way back from that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ultrasonica · 20/02/2018 08:21

HonkyWonkWoman
He is still telling me that he would always protect me financially (whilst in the process of doing the opposite).

It's just so sad to see an intelligent man lose his way like this. The most he will concede to is that it was wrong not to have consulted me before making the decision to play poker full time, but not that the decision itself is flawed.

It's with a very heavy heart that I am severing ties with him.

OP posts:

HonkyWonkWoman · 20/02/2018 09:09

Sadly it looks like separation is the only way if you are to protect yourself.
What a silly, deluded fool he is!
Playing Poker as a means of making a fortune?
snorts with derision
Look after you!

Avasarala · 20/02/2018 09:18

Why are you giving him half the profit from the house? He's already signed it over to you, so the whole house is in your name. The initial buying money was yours, and the renovation money was yours. The agreement was that. He'd buy half back from you - so then if you ever sold, he'd be entitled to half but he didn't stick to that agreement.

Is he expecting half the profit? Have you actually discussed it with him and told him that you feel he shouldn't get it; he hasn't paid anything, he skipped out on your deal to play poker, and he signed the house over to you. You're not married so I'm not clear on the legal side of it, but have you told him that he hasn't earned that money.

DaffoDeffo · 20/02/2018 09:19

years ago I went out with a gambling addict (he hid it from me and I found out after around 6 months and then broke up with him). Whatever you do, don't make excuses for him (midlife crisis etc. etc.)! It's unacceptable behaviour and you are right to get out.

FluffyWuffy100 · 20/02/2018 09:26

I'm resigned to paying him half the profit in the house, even though I didn't use any of his money or his credit on this development.

Why?

FluffyWuffy100 · 20/02/2018 09:27

The house is already in your name. What is the issue?

Leave him. Sell the house. Move on.

OldBlueStitches · 20/02/2018 09:32

I don't understand why you need to give him any money if the house is now in your sole name.

And the fact he did that and moved out, essentially says everything left to be said about how he views the future of the relationship.

Sorry this has happened to you - but glad it seems like you DON'T have to give him 50%.

Original poster

Ultrasonica · 20/02/2018 10:17

He signed the house over to me on condition that he got 50% of the profit. And that money will be registered as a mortgage to him at the Land Registry. I took advice from a solicitor friend who advised that giving him something would stand up in court better than giving him nothing. My thinking was that giving him 50k was better than half the value of the house (£300K) and if he had dug his heels in that (£300k) is what we would be fighting about. He doesn't get the money until I sell the house at which point I should be able to afford it.

He moves out at the end of this month, eight days and counting. I honestly can't wait.

We've agreed to still see each other but I suspect that's just my way of getting him to move out without a fight.

OP posts:

Ariela · 20/02/2018 10:24

Why do you have to pay him half the profit? You invested the money and did the work, he only intended to get a mortgage while you lived there.

OldBlueStitches · 20/02/2018 10:49

Aah ok. I guess the £50k is the better option then.

GardenGeek · 20/02/2018 10:50

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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