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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

racist ex having contact with child

30 replies

forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 16:41

Hi all, i've posted about my ex before but have since changed my name on here.

to try and cut a long story short, my ex was very abusive throughout our relationship. calling me fat, whale, nigga (i'm mixed race) saggy.. the list could go on. we have now separated and i'm so much happier. my issue is this. we arranged that he would see our DD (5 months) twice a week at his mothers but since then i've received another barrage of abuse including him calling me a fat nigga in front of our daughter again. i've now said that if he wants contact with her he will have to take me to court as i don't want that around my 1/4 black baby!!! he's saying i'm being immature and not thinking about our daughter that i'm just upset about what he's said and using her as a weapon. i don't think i am. so my question is AIBU to tell him he can't see our daughter and the only way he'll be able to is if he won a court case to do so?

OP posts:
JumpingFrogs · 08/02/2018 17:20

I think you're right. As your child grows up who knows at what stage she'll witness his abuse of you, or hear him using that language to complain about you. And might he use the same language in future years to abuse her when she's difficult or challenging ? He needs to understand this is not acceptable and I think you need to nip it in the bud now. Good luck.

Leeds2 · 08/02/2018 17:22

I don't t think YABU at all. I wouldn't want that around my baby either. does his mum not correct him?

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 17:25

I would ask for mediation, then tell him he can't say things like that about you in front of his daughter.

She has the right to see her father, he does not have the right to abuse you in any way let alone racially.

Solly76 · 08/02/2018 17:27

Not unreasonable at all. He's hurling disgusting racist abuse at you in front of your child. That would affect her growing up. As he can't control his nasty tongue in front of your child I think you are perfectly reasonable to restrict access. He calls you racist names yet has the nerve to call you immature...I'm so sorry that this is happening to you and your baby.

GaraMedouar · 08/02/2018 17:32

He is also abusing her because she will hear those words and she is part black. That will seriously affect her self esteem - her own father being racist against her mixed race mother.
Mediation maybe? He needs a 3rd party telling him he can’t say that. If I were you I would just ban contact if he used that language again.

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 17:34

Is he named on the birth certificate?

Original poster
forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 18:09

thanks for all replies, been trying to break the abuse cycle but still the things he says sticks in my mind so it's nice to have reassurance that what i'm doing is the right thing. @Blackteadrinker77 yes he is on the birth certificate. i was hoping that if he got contact it would be supervised as he's very bitter towards me and i don't want my daughter growing up to hear all the horrible things he has to say about me as i won't be telling her any of the things he's said to me

OP posts:
Original poster
forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 18:11

i also really don't want my daughter to have to go to a contact centre i hate that it has to be like this 🙁

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 18:26

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Weezol · 08/02/2018 18:30

Have a look at the Freedom Programme run by Women's Aid. You can do this online. Just give them a call for some advice to start with, they are really good.

Part of breaking the cycle is to keep him out of your home. This is initially the hardest part. Your home is your daughters 'safe space' and should be yours too. It sounds like you've made good progress on this so you've done really well so far. Now it's time to build on the good foundation you have laid.

Contact needs to be somewhere truly neutral. You are right to let him to take you to court. Contact needs to be formalised as does his financial support of your daughter.

I think a contact centre may be the best way forward initially. It's a stable environment which is best for your child. You would be using the contact centre as protection for your child and yourself. It is not your 'fault', but his. If he can't behave decently he needs to be supervised by an independent organisation.

Remember he has no 'rights' over your daughter, but he does have responsibilities to her.

GreenTulips · 08/02/2018 18:30

The contact centre au there for your daughters protection and people keep an eye on the interaction

Consider recording him or keeping a diary of th abuse. See if he bothers taking you to court

Whatshallidonowpeople · 08/02/2018 18:30

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windchimesabotage · 08/02/2018 18:32

Contact centre is the best way forward because it will be incredibly damaging to see her mother being abused for your daughter. He should not be allowed to use contact to abuse you. You are not overreacting at all. Record all messages dont delete any even though they are upsetting, you need to keep them as evidence. Report him to the police and get them to give him an harrassment warning. You need everything to be recorded. Then there is zero chance he will get any unsupervised contact even if he does take you to court.

Dont let him downplay this to you. It will badly badly effect your daughter if his behaviour continues. Children should not have to witness abuse.

Weezol · 08/02/2018 18:34

Whatshalli Why on earth would you post that? Run along dear, your ivory tower needs a polish.

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 19:26

If he is on the birth certificate then he currently has as much rights as you do.

I would arrange mediation asap. Then you can go to court if he breaks the agreement.

Original poster
forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 19:36

i had a baby with him because i thought i loved him, he was my first serious relationship and i stupidly thought i could change him, obviously i know now that i can't

OP posts:
Whatshallidonowpeople · 08/02/2018 19:56

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Abracadabraapileofbollocks · 08/02/2018 20:09

Whats most abusers don't start off that way. This is not odd. Maybe read up on it rather than interogating people?

cestlavielife · 08/02/2018 20:12

Why would you not use contact centre?
He is only likely to temper this in front if a third-party.. ..

Blackteadrinker77 · 08/02/2018 20:14

@whatshallidonow Unless you can help the OP rent a time machine I fail to see how this helps?

DeloresJaneUmbridge · 08/02/2018 20:17

You have my sympathies.

A lady I care for is in a similar situation in that the father of her child is abusive,

She eventually got away and he was having weekly contact until recently. Last year she began a new relationship with a black man....her ex is very abusive about him to her and in front of their child. She has now gone non contact and has a non molestation order. I will not write what he called her in front of their child as it's horrific.

Her new partner is the nicest and most gentle man who has been so good for her confidence and belief in herself. He is also fabulous with her two children.

Original poster
forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 20:21

@Whats he was racist and abusive, he used to belittle me and make me feel like this was a normal relationship. he would say that in relationships arguments and things like this happen you just get over it. he made me feel like my age was why i didn't understand this (i'm 20 he's 30) but i've spoken to people on a domestic abuse forum that my friend recommended and started to realise that it's not normal. i've now taken steps to remove him from my life he's toxic but i'd do it all again for my daughter she's the one good thing to come of it.

OP posts:
Original poster
forevertired2 · 08/02/2018 20:23

why i was with him isn't why i wrote this post

OP posts:
Dancingfairy · 08/02/2018 20:40

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QuiteLikely5 · 08/02/2018 20:44

Op

I would call the police. Report him.

You need this on his record to prove to the court that he is a racist.

I know it’s drastic but he’s an a hole and totally deserves it.

If you have no proof, text him and state why are you using racially abusing me in the presence of our child?

Await his reply and you have your proof

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