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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about upsetting my friend re our wedding?

45 replies

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 11:50

DP and I have limited family and the ones we do have are stressful, controlling and just generally not very nice people.

As a result of this, we've decided to get married abroad on our own and not invite anyone and potentially just have a small get together upon our return.

My best friend lives abroad (but thousands of miles from where we're getting married) and honestly I'd love for her to be there but at the same time I know if we invited her I'd want to spend more time with her and then the honeymoon wouldn't really be about DP.

AIBU to be worried about upsetting her and how do I minimise that upset? I know it sounds hypocritical but I think I'd be pretty upset if I wasn't invited to hers (not that I'd tell her of course!).

OP posts:

6demandingchildren · 07/02/2018 11:52

Maybe invite her and spend a few days before the wedding with her, as for spending your honeymoon with her around I'm sure she will want to do her own things rather than play gooseberry.

Knittedfairies · 07/02/2018 11:56

Surely your best friend understands/knows about your family problems anyway? If you're not having any guests you're not leaving her out. You seem to more concerned over her reaction than what your relatives might think..

Original poster

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 11:58

Knittedfairies - of course I care more about her reaction than my relatives. Why wouldn't I be?

OP posts:

MissionItsPossible · 07/02/2018 12:00

If you were my friend or relative and was told I couldn't go to your wedding because you wanted to go abroad and have a private affair and then found out you invited one person who lived thousands of miles away, I would not be happy at all. I don't think it's fair to invite one person to the rest of your friends and family or your husband. But it's your decision only you know how they would react.

thecatsthecats · 07/02/2018 12:02

If you're getting married on your own, that means nobody. No extras, especially one you'd prioritise over your husband (which is fine in a bigger wedding, where you do end up spread thin between friends and family, but not so friendly in a small wedding with only one extra guest).

I know you'd like her to be there, but is there not anyone your fiance would feel the same way about? Once that's out of the bag, you're on the back foot.

I would focus on a meaningful way to include her privately in the time when she comes over to your celebrations at home rather than dilute the private event in a convoluted way.

Only1scoop · 07/02/2018 12:02

I think if it's no guests and she knows the history there she won't feel hurt at all. Just arrange something lovely next time you see her as presumably she won't make the small party on your return.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/02/2018 12:02

It might be nice to have her there for when you are getting ready and a bit of a girlie thing the night before the wedding itself.
But this is a decision for you and your STBH.
It's difficult.
I'd be very torn as well.

HollyBayTree · 07/02/2018 12:04

Or you could get married where she lives ? Is that an option?

cariadlet · 07/02/2018 12:06

I'm sure she would be upset if it was a bigger wedding and she wasn't invited, but if she is a genuine friend then she won't mind not going if you explain the circumstances.

I don't think you can possibly invite her. It would be really unfair on DP, and might upset other friends (yours and his) who aren't invited.

WineAndTiramisu · 07/02/2018 12:07

I'd explain to her (I assume she knows about your family difficulties) then book a week to where she lives for a holiday some time after the wedding (or before) and have a girly week?

0nTheEdge · 07/02/2018 12:07

Could you have a 'hen do' with just her before the wedding and have a pre wedding celebration with her and let her know no one will be coming to the wedding at all? Or a post wedding celebration with her and she could come to visit you, or vice versa?

whiskyowl · 07/02/2018 12:15

Change hotels mid stay. Invite her for a few days for the wedding bit, then have a separate honeymoon bit for the two of you, the commencement of which is signalled by you travelling elsewhere and staying there. She will totally understand!

OnTheRise · 07/02/2018 12:18

It's your wedding. You and your partner get to decide who attends and who doesn't.

If friends and family end up upset that's their problem. No one has a right to attend someone else's wedding.

ittakes2 · 07/02/2018 12:22

You pressumably need a witness at the wedding.
why not go out to the destination for a week with her before your hubby to be arrives? then she can leave after the wedding and you can spend a week with your new husband?

n0ne · 07/02/2018 12:23

You'd be upset if your friend decided to elope and didn't invite you, am I understanding that correctly? You get that's how eloping works, right? I think that's bizarrely self-centred, it's about the couple, no-one else.

If I was your friend, I wouldn't mind you doing what makes you happy.

Jaynesworld · 07/02/2018 12:26

She wouldnt be much of a friend if she got the hump because you didnt want any guests at your wedding and basically eloped. If my best friend ran off and got married just her and her fiance, id be so pleased for her. The wedding is about the bride and groom, no one else as it isnt out day

BadTasteFlump · 07/02/2018 12:26

In her position I wouldn't expect to be invited anyway - because as you say, you have decided to get married on your own. Completely different to not being invited when other people have been.

I think you're worrying about nothing

BlueMirror · 07/02/2018 12:26

Agree with pp invite her to spend a week with you before then spend the honeymoon with your dh.

Jaynesworld · 07/02/2018 12:27

Our*

mindutopia · 07/02/2018 12:31

Honestly, I really don't think most girlfriends want to be the third wheel at someone's wedding. I think it's reasonable to be upset about being left out of a wedding of your close friend when everyone else is invited. But it would be weird to be upset that a couple didn't bring you along when they eloped and didn't invite anyone else. My own mother (who I am close to) had a small wedding when she married my stepdad. We live in different countries now as I've emigrated. I wasn't invited to my own mum's wedding! She did invite several local friends, but no family as they just wanted a low key, relaxed wedding and she didn't want the stress of dealing with people traveling in from far away. Equally, she knew I was stressed with work and didn't have the money really to travel on such short notice (as flights are expensive, I was also already planning to visit them later in the year and had those flights booked). She called and told me about a week before. It was fine. I was maybe a little bit hurt because it would have been nice to have the choice to come if I wanted and because she was inviting several friends (so they weren't eloping). But at the same time, I totally understand that they just wanted a quite day and to enjoy it without house guests (me!) or feeling like they were asking too much of me. That's slightly different, but actually it was for the best and there's no hard feelings at all. They had a great day that was just what they wanted. Any true friend would be happy for you and not make it all about them.

onalongsabbatical · 07/02/2018 12:32

I don't understand, if you're ok with not inviting anyone except her, why don't you have the wedding where she is, and after go a bit further away for your honeymoon? Surely, unless she's living in North Korea or the Ukraine or somewhere equally unsuited to having a nice time, why can't you choose to get married in a place that's convenient for her to be there, if she's the only person you want there? And then, surely, she'll understand that the honeymoon bit is separate to the wedding. I can't understand why you're making the choices you seem to be making?

KC225 · 07/02/2018 12:43

I was in a similar situation to you, limited stressy family. DH and from different countries with no possibility of either family travelling to the other. We decided to get married in Vegas and tell no one. I mentioned to my best friend that we were going to Vegas for a holiday and she said 'OMG you're getting married and I'm coming'. DH friend and his partner also guessed and they wanted to come. So it ended being the 5 of us although the others arrived and left at different times.

I will say that it was a better experience for them being there. But this is my personal experience. Best friend is hilarious and very grounding. DH's friend is very laid back. We have a wondeful day, limos, Elvis, the ceremony, dinner and cocktails. We would have enjoyed it but they made it more fun. Of course it about the two of you but its also nice to share it with some one who knows and loves you.

We have been married 12 years next week and probably only the 5 of us remembered the details. Noone got upset, people understood why we did it.

Congratulations

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 07/02/2018 12:47

I think if its no guests it should be no guests, no exceptions.

That being said, its your wedding. You should do whatever makes you and your partner happy. As a PP said could she come for a couple of days before the wedding, witness the wedding then you and your partner change hotels or she does? Would she be understanding that you want her there but the honeymoon is about you and your new husband?

HouseworkIsASin10 · 07/02/2018 12:49

Thousands of miles away? She might as well be in the same place as your parents. You have no need to invite her.

Why would you think she would expect to be the only one invited?

Original poster

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 12:49

Just to clarify, as much as I'd love her there I wouldn't invite her as I want it to be about DP and I and there's no one he'd like to invite so I don't think it'd be fair on him to invite her.

n0ne I'd be really happy for her but a tiny part of me would be a little bit sad I wasn't there for her big day. I would be really pleased for her though.

Getting married where she lives isn't really an option for us. As much as I'd love to spend time with her, DP and I have both really wanted to go to another location and it means a lot to us to get married there.

It sounds though like most of you would completely understand and I'm worrying about nothing so thank you for the reassurance.

OP posts:

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