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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about upsetting my friend re our wedding?

45 replies

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 11:50

DP and I have limited family and the ones we do have are stressful, controlling and just generally not very nice people.

As a result of this, we've decided to get married abroad on our own and not invite anyone and potentially just have a small get together upon our return.

My best friend lives abroad (but thousands of miles from where we're getting married) and honestly I'd love for her to be there but at the same time I know if we invited her I'd want to spend more time with her and then the honeymoon wouldn't really be about DP.

AIBU to be worried about upsetting her and how do I minimise that upset? I know it sounds hypocritical but I think I'd be pretty upset if I wasn't invited to hers (not that I'd tell her of course!).

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 12:52

Why would you think she would expect to be the only one invited?

Put like that I can understand where you're coming from and have never thought about it like that. I don't know I guess part of me thinks she'd assume we'd have the big church wedding (DP and I and her are religious) and she'd be invited etc...

OP posts:

ObscuredbyFog · 07/02/2018 13:02

If she's thousands of miles away, it's a big ask, too big an ask IMO, for her to afford to attend.

specialsubject · 07/02/2018 13:04

She will probably be quite happy not to have to shell out a fortune and use loads of leave for a quick ceremony.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/02/2018 13:10

This sounds like a bit of a non-problem OP!

I don't think you've thought it through yet. If you're having a solo do, then no, she probably wouldn't expect to be the only one invited and indeed it might feel a bit weird! Think: you say you'd be hurt in reverse, but would you if she and her fiance eloped? I think probably not - or rather you'd understand that she was effectively not having a 'wedding' as such to go to?

The only reasonable option would be to choose to get married where she lives (handy excuse too for any snubbed friends /rellies) and she could be your witness, you could see her for a few days beforehand then you and DP go on honeymoon. But if you can't do that, then just do it the two of you. I really don't think it would occur to one friend to be insulted that THEY were not chosen to be the only other person you know at your wedding!

Oh and yes of course you care more about the reaction of people you love than people who are only in your lives because they are related.

overthetop2 · 07/02/2018 13:23

It sounds like you are doing your marriage and honeymoon 'in one'? (At same location). This is the perfect reason to give to explain why you are not inviting friends. Surely anyone would understand why you would not want family/friends with you on your honeymoon. You could also say what you've told us - you would be tempted to spend most of your time with her (as you love being with her), but that that would be inappropriate during the trip as it's also a honeymoon.

FucksakeCuntingFuckingTwats · 07/02/2018 13:26

I would completely understand. Wouldn't even cross my mind to feel I should be the only one there in those circumstances.

HolyShet · 07/02/2018 13:53

Have a "hen do" with her a few weeks beforehand instead

Hissy · 07/02/2018 14:04

A complete non-problem!

If any friend thought it was off that you were getting married thousands of miles from where they live, when nobody else is invited anyway, then it would be THEM in the wrong, not you.

And absolutely no one wants to be the 3rd wheel at a wedding!

Original poster

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 14:57

Overthetop- yes the plan is to have honeymoon at same time. It's a sort of holiday of a lifetime kind of thing.

My friend is amazing and has offered in the past for me to stay at hers if we visit so we're lucky enough to only need to pay for flights and then spending money. So we can go visit her post wedding later in the year (after saving up again!) if she can't make it to our post wedding get together here in the UK.

I love the idea of having a hen do with her!

I think this thread in some ways have reassured me I'm worrying over nothing but in other ways make me miss her even more!! We haven't seen each other since she left after uni 2 years ago

Slightly off topic but you've all been so reassuring I thought I'd ask you here. If it were you would you be offended your best friend decided to spend thousands on getting married/ honeymoon and therefore had to delay seeing you again?

If we were not getting married we could afford to go and see her towards the end of this year. As we're getting married early next year it'd mean not flying over to see her until at least the end of next year if not early the following year - annual leave dependent more than finances tbh.

OP posts:

Giraffe888 · 07/02/2018 18:22

We’re having a small wedding with only our parents there due to family difficulties. One of my siblings was a little upset but everyone has completely understood why we’re doing our wedding as we are.
I’d also completely understand you not being able to visit due to your wedding costs!

Original poster

SarahH12 · 07/02/2018 19:40

Giraffe - Thanks!

Sorry to hear about your sibling but glad everyone else understands.

OP posts:

Original poster

SarahH12 · 09/02/2018 15:05

Oh gosh I tried to bring this up with my friend in a kind of "oh if we ever get around to getting married" kind of way. I didn't mention about eloping but mentioned about not inviting my parents.

She said I should absolutely 100% invite my parents and it's my duty as their child to invite them

I know we have cultural differences but I'm still shocked at this given that she knows how much heart ache they've caused over the years.

I guess we just have to hope she eventually gets over not being invited...

OP posts:

G120810 · 09/02/2018 16:54

It's your wedding if you don't want anyone there that I'd your choice but tell everyone your friend is made of honour and tell hubby to have best man and have a great holiday with them but have your honeymoon time as well that's what I would do and everyone else can do one it's not there day u are going abroad to get away from them there is always someone not happy about weddings but that happens just remember it's about getting married to the love of your life not who sees it

G120810 · 09/02/2018 17:00

Don't get down about it it's ure wedding if you want it with no one it's upto u and u will get loads of comments about how you are wrong but everyone is different just book and don't tell anyone till ure home then they can't tell you your wrong and your friend is very offended she not invited well suck it up xx

Caroelle · 09/02/2018 17:00

Ring her the night before, tell her that you have eloped and say that she is the only person that knows and that is because she is so special to you. I’m sure that she will understand if she knows your family. Are you having it filmed? Can you put it on a live feed for her?

GreenTulips · 09/02/2018 17:06

Can you Skype the wedding from the venue then everyone can witness the event? Bet there's companies out there that do this - there was limited when I wed 16 years ago

OR send her a parcel - photos - DVD - confetti and a bottle of bubbly so she can have her own event after?

Original poster

SarahH12 · 09/02/2018 17:16

We're not planning on having it filmed. We're both really self conscious and would feel so awkward about being filmed. We are having a photographer though.

Sending her the parcel sounds a good idea Green.

G120810 thanks. I'm a little down about it but you're right, it's our wedding and it's about marrying the love of my life not about anything (or anyone) else.

OP posts:

virtualreality · 09/02/2018 17:22

I don't get the problem here, or maybe I have just jumped in regardless!

OP you say your friend is thousands of miles away from your chosen wedding venue. She is probably further away than others in your circle!

It is a stressful time I know this, but it should be a happy time too!

Just get on with your wedding and enjoy the decision you have made to keep it simple. Your friend will understand the decisions you have made about this. You are slightly overthinking it I think.

Best of luck. And hope everything goes well for you.

Boulshired · 09/02/2018 17:31

Personally I think the kindest way of eloping is just doing it. Talking before leads to questions and conversation that does not need to be done. She will be happy for you and any hurt will be a wasted emotion as it’s already done. You do need to come to terms that unless she is planning to come back your relationship has changed. I see my best friend every two to three years it is still very strong but both of us had to be honest that trying to spend more time together was financially difficult and not always guaranteed.

Jux · 09/02/2018 18:27

Eloping! How lovely!

Yes, I'd be a bit sad if my best mate had done that, but I'd've understood. In fact that was what she was planning to do, but her sister told her she absolutely had to tell their parents - and me! So I did see her married, but yes, I absolutely would have understood.

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