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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To worry about age gaps?

39 replies

CurlyRover · 30/01/2018 10:44

Just that really. DSD is 6. I want to retrain and if I do we won't be able to ttc for another 5 years meaning DSD would be 11 when we have another DC (assuming I fell pregnant within the first few months).

That seems like such a huge age gap. Especially as we'd like 2 with a roughly 2-3 year gap between them. But even if I didn't retrain and we started trying now there would still be a 7 year gap between them and then a 10 year gap between her and the youngest

AIBU to worry about the age gaps and how we would cope with such vastly different interests between them?

OP posts:

WoolyMammyoth · 30/01/2018 10:54

There's 12 years between me and my eldest sibling, nearly 16 between me and the youngest.

From my POV it was nice to have the opportunities afforded to me as an only child, and to have an active role in my siblings' lives, but I did have a lot of jealousy when the first came along (not helped by puberty hormones, probably). I also feel like I had a lonely childhood, and wish I'd had siblings earlier in life (single parent family until a couple of years before DB was born). We've all shaken down now, and I feel close to my siblings, in as much as I have a lot in common with a 14 year old and an 11 year old! They'd cope if that's the send option for your family.

WoolyMammyoth · 30/01/2018 10:55

Sensible, not send!

Original poster

CurlyRover · 30/01/2018 11:13

See it's the puberty hormones and jealousy I'm worried about if we leave it 5 years.

In terms of what's sensible for our family, surely that includes what is sensible for existing DC too?

There's 5 years between me and my eldest sibling and we fought like cat and dog. We're fine now we're both adults though and get on well. Much larger gap between me and my youngest sibling who is now a teenager and I feel there's no bond between us really as there was just too large a gap and therefore different interests and I moved out when youngest was 2/3.

OP posts:

TimeIhadaNameChange · 30/01/2018 11:21

There's 11 years between my sister and I, and no relationship. I haven't seen her in 6 years, and am not in a hurry to. She was an only child for 11 years, then her nose got put out of joint by my arrival. She's never forgiven me for being born, basically. She assumes she should get the best of everything, if we ever do anything as a family the day has to go the way she wants else she tantrums. She's in her 50s.

Growing up, it was as though I had the worst of being a sibling (being in her wake, being dragged around to her friends' who had nothing in common with me, rarely getting something just for me as she'd be jealous, even if she was much to old for whatever it was) and the worse of being an only (not having someone my own age to play with).

I'm sure it can work, but I really, really wouldn't recommend it from my personal experience.

Original poster

CurlyRover · 30/01/2018 11:23

What's the alternative though? Even now there would be a 7 year age gap. The only other alternative is not to have DC which tbh isn't really an option for us unless of course we can't conceive.

OP posts:

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 30/01/2018 11:24

I wouldn't recommend it either. 12 years between Dsis and I and we aren't at all close.

However, if that's what your circumstances dictate there's little you can do about it.

LegallyBrunet · 30/01/2018 11:27

I'm one of six. There's thirteen years between the youngest and the oldest. We all have a fantastic relationship with each other.

happymummy12345 · 30/01/2018 11:30

There's 10 years between myself and my brother, 20 years between myself and my sister, and 10 years between my brother and sister.
Honestly I loved being able to be so involved in their childhood.

overwhelmedbyitall · 30/01/2018 11:37

I have siblings 10 and 14 years younger than me.
I adored them from the minute I knew they were coming.
Yes, it was a very different relationship than if we'd been closer in age but that doesn't mean it has to be bad.
There were things we did with one parent each- dad would take me to theme parks with friends while they were too young etc.
I guess I was a bit like a cool auntie when I moved out- they were 8 and 4 and loved coming to me for sleepovers etc!
Now as adults our ages make no difference and we are really close, if at different stages as I have kids and they are just starting independent lives...

WeeBunnyFooFoo · 30/01/2018 11:38

There’s no predicting it though is there. When ds2 was born I had a 10yo & 8yo, he’s still a baby but there’s been no jealousy at all, they adore him - I don’t know what things will be like in 5-10 years though.

DH doesn’t have a relationship with his younger brothers (age gap 4 years & 11 years) but he’s not very close to his younger sister either (only 2 year gap), so the ages may be irrelevant.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome · 30/01/2018 11:39

I have a large gap between my 1st and 2nd DCS.

If possible I'd have DC now and then retrain, but it's probably not practical.

It can work - my DC1 is close to DCs3 & 4, less so to DC2, but they do get on.

They don't have shared interests as such, but all get along and can have a laugh messing about in the kitchen. DC1 takes them out occasionally, they sometimes play board games.

There are 11 years between DC1 and DC3, and 13 years between DC1 and DC4.

They don't have to play together or share the same interests IMO to have a nice relationship.

WoolyMammyoth · 30/01/2018 11:41

Does DSD want siblings?

All children are different, and all age gaps have their pros and cons. I think you'd have to speak to her, both now and when you do eventually TTC. There'll be raging hormones whether there's a new baby or not! If not a baby, something else will get to her.

Snowzicle · 30/01/2018 11:41

DH and SiL have a 11 year age gap and while they don't fight at all, they aren't close. DH has said he thinks for all intents and purposes they were both only children, especially as he was sent away to boarding school when she was tiny.

I don't think it's a disaster, but I think there is a good chance they won't have much of a sibling relationship.

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 30/01/2018 11:43

10 years between my two boys. All fine.
One is 18 and at uni and the other 8 and gets lots of my time now.
They have a regular brotherly relationship but obv have different interests and needs. I do hope they'll be close when they're both adults. They are very different in personality so I imagine that will play a big factor in it, which the age gap will compound.

I am one of 5. My youngest sister is 11 years younger than me. I get on better with her than the one who is 6 years younger, but am closest to the one who is less than 2 years older.

WoolyMammyoth · 30/01/2018 11:43

And my brothers, despite having the same interests and hobbies have such different personalities that they don't get on with one another even though there's only 3.5 years between them. I love spending time with them both for different reasons. You can't predict anything.

Bluelady · 30/01/2018 11:44

My husband's family consists of two oldest with a two year gap, then a 10 year gap before the next, then another ten year gap before the youngest. All I know is that no 3, to whom I'm married, s very, very spoilt! Could be because he was the first boy.

lidoshuffle · 30/01/2018 11:46

9 years between my eldest and youngest brothers (and me in the middle so not much of a bridge being the girl). When B1 was at university, B2 was still at primary school. By the time the gaps didn't matter we were living in different countries so never got to be close .

BoredOnMatLeave · 30/01/2018 11:48

There's 10 years between me and my brother. Of course I love him to bits but it's not like a brother sister relationship, I'm more like an aunt I guess. And when I was younger I was expected to babysit and basically mother him which I resented

WonderLime · 30/01/2018 11:52

I have two younger brothers - one two years younger and the other 10 years younger.

I don't talk to the one two years younger but I've always adored my youngest brother and have spent lots of time looking after him.

NewSingleMummy · 30/01/2018 11:56

There is almost 12 years between my two children and they have an amazing bond. Almost 14yrs and coming up to 2yrs. Teen wasn't too fussed when Baby was first born but would feed her if I asked him too. As soon as she was more alert/ mobile he's always happy to play with her etc

Original poster

CurlyRover · 30/01/2018 11:57

Does DSD want siblings?

Absolutely no idea. I don't feel it's something to talk to her about until we conceive tbh.

OP posts:

Original poster

CurlyRover · 30/01/2018 12:00

And when I was younger I was expected to babysit and basically mother him which I resented

That's really shit bored If she offered to babysit that'd be fab but we certainly wouldn't expect her to. If we choose to have a baby that's on us, not on her so although of course she'll be affected, she shouldn't have to babysit etc unless she really really wanted to.

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BoredOnMatLeave · 30/01/2018 13:05

curly funny you should say that. In a fit of rage when I was 15 and told I need to have my brother for the evening I said that it wasn't my choice for them to have a baby... i was grounded for a week.

Like you say if she wants to babysit that's great (and I wouldn't have minded on my terms). It was the expectation. I didn't go out loads as I was quite introverted but I just wanted to be on my own and not have to worry about a 3/4/5 year old.

WoolyMammyoth · 30/01/2018 13:19

bored That brings back memories I'd forgotten!

When DB was 2 (and I was 14) he started nursery. Which was partly chosen because it was literally opposite my school gates. Most mornings I took him to nursery, and picked him up a lot, and I resented it. I didn't want to worry about a toddler, just my GCSEs. (And I barely wanted to worry about those)

If I'd been given a choice, like you, I wouldn't've minded, but it just seemed expected of me.

AthenaAshton · 30/01/2018 21:22

I would just ttc and see what happens...

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