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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

How to deal with a ghosting bride?

45 replies

sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 17:23

NC for this as it could be very outing. I was asked to be a bridesmaid for my friend who gets married in 2020. She organised everything early on and asked me and I was honoured, I've been asked to be bridesmaid a few times before and loved it.
I've recently been on mat leave (now back at work) and she wasn't too happy with me during this time because we didn't see enough of each other (about once every 2 weeks which I thought was ok) we discussed it, apologies were made and all was fine. Since then every time I see her all seems fine but she never ever texts, phones or anything to me first! I always have to message her and then I maybe get 1 or 2 texts back then that's it. She seems frustrated about my baby even though she has older children so has been through it, it's like she can't understand why I can't stop everything to see her or can't do evenings etc (wants us to come to their house because of their kids but won't come to ours??) I've tried to discuss bridesmaid stuff but she seems disinterested.

I now feel like she doesn't want me to be her bridesmaid anymore and frankly I don't really feel like it either unless something changes,I really feel like she's not the friend she once was and isn't that fussed on me! BUT I have no idea if I've got the wrong end of the stick and I'm seeing her on Friday and I don't know what to do. Help!

OP posts:
Notasperfectasallothermners · 23/01/2018 17:29

I would be guessing she desperately wants another dc but has put ttc on hold for the wedding!! She is envious you have a baby and she is having to wait!! Just a thought!

MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/01/2018 17:31

So you're always messaging her and yet she's complaining that she didn't see you often enough?

And she's planning a wedding for three years' time?! Please tell us she's not banging on about it all that time.

TheQueenOfWands · 23/01/2018 17:34

I expect she thought that you'd spend the next two years focused entirely on her and her wedding and is outraged that this isn't the case.

You weren't just a bridesmaid, you were probably the feeder of her ego.

ThePinkOcelot · 23/01/2018 17:35

2020?! That’s 2 years away! I wouldn’t even be thinking about her wedding tbh. I would just carry on as normal.

AcrossthePond55 · 23/01/2018 17:39

You need to think a bit as to whether or not you've been in the 'baby zone'. It can be frustrating when someone talks a little too much about their baby, even when we've been there and done that. Not saying you have, just something to think about.

But at this point I think you need to decide if you want to back out. If not, then politely ask her if she still wants you as a BM.

"You've been a bit 'distant' from our friendship lately. I'm wondering if perhaps you're reconsidering me as a BM. If so, that's fine but you need to tell me."

altiara · 23/01/2018 17:40

I’d stop making the effort. See how you get on on Friday, if she asks about you, work, baby etc. If nothing, then just don’t contact her and see what happens.

milliemolliemou · 23/01/2018 17:41

Ignore her for the time being? If she decides she'd like to change her mind then she can do so. You might be let off the hook.

TheDowagerCuntess · 23/01/2018 17:41

Argh! I hate an atmosphere, or any sense of underlying unease with people. I can't ignore it and just carry on as normal.

I'm really not sure what to suggest. She's being massively unreasonable - can you raise it with her at all? How awkward.

Aeroflotgirl · 23/01/2018 17:45

Just ask her outright if she still wants you to be BM as you get the impression she does not. Wow she does sound like a right Bridezilla, her wedding is ages away.

bonfireheart · 23/01/2018 17:50

Do people really plan their wedding that far in advance?

Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 17:51

What's scary to me is asking that question that AcrossThePond suggested but she suddenly says "What? Of course I want you to be my bridesmaid? Are you saying you don't want to be my bridesmaid?" And then it gets really awkward. I could just say you've been a bit distant recently and see what she says. I'm not one to go on about my baby, generally I deflect conversations back to the other person because I'm not very confident so I don't sit there talking about myself or my baby, she is not so much going on about her wedding but she has done basically everything already, down to the last detail (except bridesmaids dresses etc) so there's not a lot to talk about and a lot if stuff is secret just between her and her Fiance so she actually cant talk about it!

Sometimes I think that's part of the problem,I've sort of given up asking about stuff to do with her wedding because she has already sorted it or it's a secret. Maybe she thinks I'm not interested? I do still try sending messages to the group WhatsApp with bridesmaids ideas but no one really replies and the other bridesmaid ignored my friend requests. Its all so awkward.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 17:52

@TheDowagerCuntness exactly I hate an atmosphere and I can sense it a mile off and I can't ignore it! But I hate the inevitable conversation that has to happen!

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Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2018 17:54

@sadbridesmaid

So she's planned a wedding years in advance but doesn't want to talk about it
-maybe she had realised a wedding does not need 2 years of planning!
-Or she has cold feet about the groom!
-Or she doesn't want you to be bridesmaid.

I'd wait until she talks about wedding again and go with the flow. only offer to step down if you really think she wants that. If you decide you don't want to be her bridesmaid just tell her and explain why.

I have only a few friends I see more often then once a fortnight. Once a fortnight seems fine.

Enjoy your time with her Friday. But don't feel you need to keep texting or messaging. Things have changed for you, you have a baby and this may impact on your time to be with her.

Good luck.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 23/01/2018 17:55

Maybe she liked having you as a friend when it could be all about her, and you could drop everything, or do evenings as easily as you could, or go to hers every time. You're not there to massage her ego and it isn't only on her terms any more, so she's sulking.

Life's too short!

NapQueen · 23/01/2018 17:55

I would leave it entirely in her court now. Youve done enough.

I had a friend who I once was close to and she was shit at keeping in touch yet always moaned how little we saw of each other when we did meet. I did all the running. One day I decided to not message her and guess what? Ive not heard from her in 13 months. Its been liberating!

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/01/2018 17:59

Maybe she's gone off her fiance and the wedding is a touchy subject now? Wink

A friendship should make you feel like this, and the other bridesmaids are ignoring you? What?
Either bite the bullet and ask her outright what the problem is or stop making the first moves to get in touch with her and see if the friendship peters out.
You don't need all that crap with a new baby and working. She sounds terribly hard work.

ILostItInTheEarlyNineties · 23/01/2018 18:00

*i meant a friendship shouldn't make you feel like this!

Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 18:00

@NapQueen I did this once too and we've recently got back in touch after she messaged me apologising for previously being a shit friend and I thought wow it takes balls to say that so we're back in touch.. but without outing myself I can't do this with this friend as our families are very intertwined (not related at all but connected!) Can't say much more.

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 23/01/2018 18:01

Are these 'secrets' anything anyone else would give a damn about?

Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 18:02

@ilostitintheearlynineties it's not so much the other bridesmaids ignore me, one ignored my friend request and we all don't speak to each other or really know each other so it's a bit awkward. I've tried to be friendly and I wanted to do a separate chat for just bridesmaids to plan surprises etc but it's just not really happening.

OP posts:
Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 18:03

@mybrilliantdisguise. I have no idea it's stuff to do with the venue and their plans there and their plans for the accommodation and surprised when we're all there. All the food etc is a secret too.

OP posts:
Oldraver · 23/01/2018 18:03

I couldn't be arsed with this kind of shenanigins. Just back off and leave her to it, stop chasing her. But be prepared for not being her BM...it's a loon way off

Original poster
sadbridesmaid · 23/01/2018 18:03

*surprises

OP posts:
Italiangreyhound · 23/01/2018 18:05

I tend to agree with @altiara don't message her and see what happens. Or at least message less.

Oh sweetie @sadbridesmaid I've just seen that the bridesmaids group is quiet and your friend requests are ignored. Are they a group who have other things in common?

You have said you lack confidence and have a new baby. Time to focus on you and baby, get out to do things, join an NCT or other baby group, or toddlers club, or activity just for you.

It seems the friendship is not a source of comfort and joy but rather one of egg shells. I'd leave debate about the wedding out of it for now. If she wants help she can ask.

Concentrate on things that make you happy and things you and your friend share in common.

If you must ask about being a bridesmaid then of course do. But it is far off now. So why worry. You may totally fall out by then and choose not to be one, or you may grow closer and be delighted to be one.

Greyponcho · 23/01/2018 18:06

Maybe she’s had ideas of big grand plans and has realised she can’t afford any of them... maybe even not the crowds of bridesmaids she’s planned for? Could explain why she’s keeping it ‘secret’ and doesn’t engage in conversation about it (no pun intended)