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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Borrowing money from parents

31 replies

IthinkImislaid10years · 16/01/2018 19:10

Not sure how to word the AIBU.

My mum lent me a significant amount of money. I hated borrowing it, really had nowhere else to turn.

She is generous with presents but borrowing/lending is a different matter and I felt really embarrassed asking. Of course that sounds so ungrateful when she was kind enough to give it without hesitation.

Shortly after we had a fairly significant disagreement. Afterwards she said she thought I should be nicer to her as she lent me money.

She has since offered me money for other things but I don't feel ok now about it.

AIBU to think if you lend money it's really poor form to bring it up in that context? Or is it natural that she should think/say what she did given that she had been kind to lend it?

Bracing myself for robust AIBU opinions.

OP posts:
hevonbu · 16/01/2018 19:11

No, it was not the right thing to say, even though I understand that she might have felt that way.

Lisajane2810 · 16/01/2018 19:21

we have borrowed money several times from my inlaws as my husband has a long term health condition. they have never held it against us or mentioned it even when we have struggled to pay it back or had cross words. maybe its because they know its been unavoidable im not sure.
i dont think she should bring it into other situations or use it against you. xx

LastNightMyWifeHooveredMyHead · 16/01/2018 19:22

Depends on what the disagreement was, I think - if it was just you voted Leave and she Remain, unacceptable: if you were being a spoilt and entitled brat over needing designer labels (a ridiculous example, and not suggesting that you were at all) then it could have been justified. I think it's down to the context whether YABU.

Bluntness100 · 16/01/2018 19:24

What was thr argument about? Why did she think you weren't being nice to her?

Pagwatch · 16/01/2018 19:27

Yes, it's going to depend slightly on what the argument was and if you were being a dick to her.

Mentioning it out of context is probably wrong but if you have accepted her money but are rude to or dismissive of her I think it's reasonable to point out that kindness should be reciprocal.

Original poster
IthinkImislaid10years · 16/01/2018 19:36

if it was just you voted Leave and she Remain

That's certainly one we've had and know to avoid!

It was what I felt was an invasion of privacy but I wasn't very polite when I pulled her up on it because she was insistent she hadn't done anything wrong. (Read some of my correspondence).

Maybe I should have been nicer after she was generous. I don't want to feel obligated yet I borrowed money. Can't have it both ways.

OP posts:
Tink2007 · 16/01/2018 19:37

We were given a sum of money once by PILs. Every single time we have had a row it is always bought up. Every damn time.

Pagwatch · 16/01/2018 19:38

Gosh no, reading your post isn't good.

She shouldn't have done that and you were right to be annoyed.

RedSkyAtNight · 16/01/2018 19:38

I wouldn't borrow money from my parents because they would be absolutely sure to bring it up every time we disagreed over anything.
So I personally think that if you think your parents will do the same, best not to borrow money.

glow1984 · 16/01/2018 19:38

YANBU, it's not fair for her to bring it up

HairyToity · 16/01/2018 19:43

My mum brings it up too. I just suck it up. Wish I didn't need to borrow from her.

Original poster
IthinkImislaid10years · 16/01/2018 19:46

I think the context may be misleading because in fairness she looked at it to try be helpful. I do genuinely believe her on that.
(But it still wasn't ok with me.)

I think it's best I just accept that I don't have that financial back up.

OP posts:
Sprinklestar · 16/01/2018 19:52

A gift with conditions isn’t a gift... Or a loan, come to that.

LordSugarWillSeeYouNow · 16/01/2018 19:53

Isn't there a name for it? Indian giver? Not meant in any racial context this end, it's just a phrase I've heard a lot.

bretonknickers · 16/01/2018 19:59

was the correspondence bank statements etc?

Soixique · 16/01/2018 20:21

Don't borrow from her again and try to pay back what you already owe. It's financial aid with strings - inevitable when it's your mum really. If you don't owe her anything, you won't feel so obliged to listen to anything she says especially when you disagree with her!

Or bite your lip on controversial subjects - just agree to disagree and change the subject (easier said than done I know) Eye roll - it really isn't worth the hassle imo.

Original poster
IthinkImislaid10years · 16/01/2018 21:17

Yes, pay it back and don't borrow again is best. There won't be pressure to pay it back quickly but I just wish it didn't feel awkward.

OP posts:
Ellisandra · 16/01/2018 21:32

Depends whether she meant it as:

"Don't you dare behave any way other than obsequious anc subservient, because I bought your arse lady"

Or

"Come be nice, I'm nice to you, like the loan"

Clutching straws maybe, but was she genuinely presenting it as an example of something nice she'd done, and might just as easily have been saying "I did that ironing pile for you"?

Original poster
IthinkImislaid10years · 16/01/2018 21:42

Don't know Ellisandra. She's never been easy, nor easy to figure out!

She's not straightforward about money so I think there'll be some added meaning that the "nice" thing was money.

OP posts:
hevonbu · 17/01/2018 03:20

In any case, it's better to take a loan from your mum or in-laws than to take a payday loan at an excruciating interest rate, the latter could really get you into difficulties.

steff13 · 17/01/2018 03:29

Indian giver?

That's when you give someone something then take it back. I'm not sure if the origin of the phrase, but the connotation is obviously not good.

AstridWhite · 17/01/2018 04:04

On the face of it you are right, it is bad form to bring it up in this context and to hold it over you as a reason to never disagree with her.

But I am wondering if there is a bit more to this? For example, let's say you are very bad with money and you have a gambling habit or a late night internet shopping habit when drunk/depressed or whatever.

Let's say you needed that money to pay debts due to completely unnecessary spending and she found correspondence that showed you were still doing this in spite of promising to stop. Or let's say you cried to her about not being able to pay the mortgage/feed the children and she sees a brand new pair of Jimmy Choos by your front door, so decides to look at the credit card statements that are on the coffee table.....

I'm not saying you did any of these things, just that as a parent, if you are more than once asked/expected to bail out an adult child you would feel entitled to make sure that the wool wasn't being pulled over your eyes about the reason for their money woes.

Bowerbird5 · 17/01/2018 04:24

I wouldn't use that phrase nowadays as it has racist connotations steff. I know it used to be something said when I was a kid but it came up a few years back and as I say I would t use it nowadays.

OP she probably just felt hurt and brought it up meaning make allowances but she probably regrets it as you do. Sometimes us mums are damned if we do and damned if we don't !

AstridWhite · 17/01/2018 04:38

A gift with conditions isn’t a gift... Or a loan, come to that.

I disagree. I have just given each of my children a gift of £5000 with some (loose) conditions on what it can and can't be spent on, or at least what it was intended for.

I am not going to ask them to provide me with the evidence that they have spent it on the 'right' things', I have to leave that to trust. But even if I did want evidence as a condition of the gift, it's still a gift.

If you give your child money for a first car/gap year/house deposit/wedding or whatever then I think it's entirely reasonable to ask that it be spent largely on that and not on a boob job, 5 x lad's holidays in Magaluf or a weekly cocaine habit, don't you?

steff13 · 17/01/2018 05:48

I wouldn't use that phrase nowadays as it has racist connotations steff.

Just to be clear, I don't use it. I was just explaining my understanding of it. I haven't actually heard anyone say it in a really long time.