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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To find it hard to get excited about engagements....

60 replies

user1485342611 · 15/01/2018 17:55

When the couple have been living together for years, have two kids, a joint mortgage and seem to have no short or medium term plan to actually get married.

I mean, fine if they want to buy a ring and describe themselves as engaged. But the announcements on Facebook, the squeaky excitement from their friends, the engagement parties and presents....

AIBU to think it's all a bit OTT?

I'm not thinking about any couple in particular, but engagement announcements just aren't as exciting as they used to be years ago.

OP posts:

BumpowderSneezeonAndSnot · 15/01/2018 17:57

Yanbu. It's a present gathering exercise

Original poster

user1485342611 · 15/01/2018 18:09

Years ago it really meant that a couple were making a huge commitment and starting out on a shared journey together. Nowadays it just seems to be an excuse for a party and then life resumes as normal.

OP posts:

KanielOutis · 15/01/2018 18:12

I don't see the point of engagements at all unless it leads fairly swiftly to marriage. To often it's a way to keep a woman in her place, a gesture of commitment from a man who has no intention to marry. I was engaged for 15 months before marriage and that felt too long.

silvousplaitmerci · 15/01/2018 18:13

YANBU

My mind always goes to the couple I knew who had an ENORMOUS engagement party. Totally over the top. The money they made and the presents they received were completely mind boggling.

He was, in fact, meeting women in hotel rooms while working away and shagging anything that moved. He then ended up having a child to a woman he met in one of said hotel rooms.

Never did get my good champagne back

Whisky2014 · 15/01/2018 18:16

The commitment hasn't disappeared has It?
It's also unfair to call it a present gathering exercise. I imagine it comes about as the cost of living is high so it makes sense to first of all move in together. Life gets in the way. And if you venture over to the relationshio board you will see people in these long term relationships with kids are advised to get married as it offers more protection. It's almost like you think they aren't worthy of marriage, maybe like yours? But thats your issue, not theirs.

PinkHeart5914 · 15/01/2018 18:16

An engagement does really mean anything when you think about it, but I guess to some people it’s a big deal to them so I do go and take a bottle of champagne.

I know a couple that have been engaged 10 years I mean what is the point? All you’ve done is ask someone to marry you then not bother! Thing is at the time they have a massive engagement party

overnightangel · 15/01/2018 18:17

YABU just for the fact you used the word “journey” (cringe)

Whisky2014 · 15/01/2018 18:19

Yes, its not a journey unless you were married before having a house and kids together

EastDulwichWife · 15/01/2018 18:20

YANBU. Engagement parties are naff. We went to one last year that was basically a wedding, and I never did work out why they hadn't just got married at the same time. Balloons, flowers, champagne, favours, two tiered cake - the works. Just crack on and be wed if that's what you want to do.

BackforGood · 15/01/2018 18:25

YANBU at all.

nutnerk · 15/01/2018 18:25

I hate big over the top 'surprise' proposals. It shouldn't be a surprise!!!!!! You should have spoken about it, discussed at length, agreed the ins and outs to ensure you have a solid and long lasting marriage.

When people do big OTT proposals it's all for the story for other people or social media.

nutnerk · 15/01/2018 18:27

I got engaged last year - we'd discussed it at length and picked the ring together that worked for both of us (style on my end and budget on his/our end) but the day it actually happened (around 3 weeks later) was a surprise.

i'd just got home from a long day at work, busting for a wee and there he was! Low key and just about us. We had a small party because we were moving from the UK to Spain a few weeks later, so good chance to see all friends and family together. We planned a long engagement because of the move wiping out our savings.

Jaygee61 · 15/01/2018 18:28

I'm not thinking about any couple in particular, but engagement announcements just aren't as exciting as they used to be years ago.

To be honest I don’t think weddings are as exciting as they used to be years ago, with the couple usually already cohabiting for years and their children as bridesmaid/pageboys. They used to be a step into a real new life.

Renfrewshire · 15/01/2018 18:29

YANBU. Even if you haven't got kids or haven't been living together 5+ years I still think they're unnecessary. And an excuse for presents.

MrTrebus · 15/01/2018 18:29

I know a couple who got engaged, had a party paid for by someone else, got presents etc and then told everyone they would never get married because they want to keep their separate council houses and benefits. My blood boiled.

Parsleyisntfood · 15/01/2018 18:30

We got engaged under those circumstances (been together ages, mortgage, kids). It was mainly a stop gap before the wedding. Told the parents in person and then stuck it on Facebook without any ceremony.
My phone exploded. I felt terrible that people took it so seriously. We ended up with a load of totally unsolicited presents. It actually made me feel really loved and a bit misty eyed.

HelloGabriel · 15/01/2018 18:34

DH's cousin has been engaged to her OH for years, two DC if I remember correctly.

She recently had her name changed by deed pole to 'Mrs HisSurname' rather than get married.

Not sure what the logic is there? Anyone have any ideas as I'm genuinely baffled.

glamourousgranny42 · 15/01/2018 18:36

I got engaged this weekend and I'm excited! We are middle aged 2nd time round and planning to marry asap. Not having a party to celebrate but did post on fb (after we had told kids and family) . We live together and intend to have a small wedding with no pressies (less than 20) we have both had difficult past relationships and just want to make a commitment. My partner wanted to propose and buy a ring (I didn't have one last time). Few my kids are really excited.

HermionesRightHook · 15/01/2018 18:55

I think it's nice at any stage. I like taking pleasure in other people's happiness.

I know that's v really pollyanna but it's true.

(and plenty of people might have children before they feel completely committed to each other - accidental pregnancy is a thing, and then you need your spare cash for the baby, then you might need to buy a house or move... I can see how it happens. Not how we did it but I can see.)

KanielOutis · 15/01/2018 20:12

There's another thread going where someone's partner is allowing her to change her surname to his as a sign of commitment. All the benefits of a wife for him with none of the obligations or responsibility.

rollingonariver · 15/01/2018 20:31

Can no one be happy for someone else just because they're happy? There doesn't have to be something in it for you, they're happy that should be enough.

nutnerk · 15/01/2018 21:11

@HelloGabriel

That makes no sense... Surely it's the binding contract that covers you legally and financially that matters and not the name?

Original poster

user1485342611 · 16/01/2018 10:17

It's not about 'not being happy' for them Rolling. It's about not being particularly excited or seeing the point in big announcements and engagement parties when there's no wedding forthcoming and the couple are already living together like a married couple.

That's all.

OP posts:

Didntcomeheretofuckspiders · 16/01/2018 10:26

We didn’t have an engagement party, or a housewarming party now I think of it. Gah we’re missing out on so many gifts opportunities to be grabby dammit! Might have to have a massive babyshowever to make up for it. —I wont’t—

Shhhhhh2018 · 16/01/2018 10:40

How quickly do you have to get married op? We got engaged October 2012, found the venue in Jan 2013 and married July 2014. Because

That was the next available Summer date
We had to save

Is that quick enough?

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