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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling sad about party invites

33 replies

fionnthedog · 12/01/2018 14:40

DS is is 3.8 and happily been at pre school for a year now. He tells me regularly that his two friends are child 1 and child 2. Child 1 had their birthday party before Christmas and DS not invited and child 2’s is coming up and again DS not invited. For both parties other children from pre school have been invited - and invited handed out at the door.

DS is not the most confident of children and these other two are much more confident (plus a few months older) so I guess that they’re not really friends as DS thinks / says? Or maybe he has other friends he doesn’t tell me about.

Just wondering AIBU to feel sad about this? Any advice or wisdom on how children that age “make friends” and how parents decide on who to invite to their parties? I’m not blaming the parents at all - my query relates to how it’s effecting me!! DS seems entirely oblivious...

OP posts:
weepingangel12 · 12/01/2018 14:43

You're going to need to chill or you are going to fall apart when they actually go to school! They are THREE. They don't even understand properly what friendship is.
At preschool you would only invite a couple of kids, if any at all.

thecatsthecats · 12/01/2018 14:49
  1. Yes. Chill out.
  2. It's not uncommon even for MUCH older kids to think that the 'popular' children are their friends, or even call them their best friends when they're still working out what friendship means.

When I was in Juniors, my friends and I in my year would rotate 'best friendship' of this one girl in the year above because she was popular. There wasn't anything meaningful or special about these relationships, but however few girls were invited to a party, she would always attend.

TBH, I still see some adults do it, and I'm 29!

PolarBearGoingSomewhere · 12/01/2018 14:50

I adore kids parties and my DC have one every year. My preschool DD is having 5 or 6 kids from nursery to hers (the ones whose parents I know or who have older siblings who are also invited to play with my older DD). My baby DD is having 2 of "her" friends and everyone else is general family friends. I'd say that's absolutely the norm for preschool where parents have to stay - you want kids and parents who you know so it's a social occasion for the parents too!

It'll all even up when he makes proper friends in reception I'm sure. You could always have a little party for him, if you'll both enjoy it, so you can get to know some other parents.

Littlebitshort · 12/01/2018 14:54

I would (and have) had a little chat with your childs keyworker and find out if he has made any ‘regular’ friends. You are not in the classroom and 3 year olds cant/dont always communicate correctly. It could be that he hasnt connected yet or that he dosent quite recognise the ones he has a bond with.

Aeroflotgirl · 12/01/2018 15:02

Awww it is sad, but try not to dwell on it. Friendships at that age are so transient, and differ from day to day. My DS 6 has a speech delay and is not as confident. And does not get invited to many parties.

PodgeBod · 12/01/2018 15:11

Ask your child's keyworker. I'm planning my DDs 3rd party and I just asked for a list of names as we don't know any kids outside of nursery really, and I'm relying on the nursery to know her friends. We've only been invited to one party in the year that she has been there.

Allthebestnamesareused · 12/01/2018 15:18

Maybe the Mums are already friends and it is nothing to do with child's choice at that age?

feral · 12/01/2018 15:25

At that age I asked the key worker for a list of DS friends and invited those. She missed off a couple and I didn't realise until later. No harm was meant.

Original poster
fionnthedog · 12/01/2018 15:55

Thanks. I def need to chill out. Reflecting my own insecurities on DS is not good!

As he’s my first it’s hard to know what’s normal and tbh I haven’t even thought about his 4th birthday party and who to invite. Minefield!!

OP posts:
Chienrouge · 12/01/2018 15:59

DD1 is 4.2 and I’ve had 2 parties for her (3rd and 4th). To be honest I have mainly invited the ones whose parents I know/am already friends with. When they’re that age parents obviously stay at the parties, and I find it less stressful if I know the parents! So there definitely were children from pre school who she regularly plays with that I didn’t invite. It’s probably something simple like that.

Snowysky20009 · 12/01/2018 16:04

Isnt the rule the number of children invited is the same as their age:
3rd birthday- 3 friends
7th birthday- 7 friends
Etc, or am I now way out of touch?

Chienrouge · 12/01/2018 16:08

Snowysky20009 I’ve never heard that rule! I’ve found that people invite more children when they’re younger (full class parties in reception etc) then as they get older they invite a small number of close friends.
We’ve done ‘hall’ parties for DD1’s 3rd and 4th (hired a hall, bouncy castle and face painter) with probably 15-20 children, but as I said these were mainly the children of my friends!

ittakes2 · 12/01/2018 16:10

Yes sorry you are reading too much into it. They are still so little. You’ve got many years of unclear friendships and non party invites ahead of you!! If you child likes these children, invite them around for a play date - you will soon work out if they do play together.

BewareOfDragons · 12/01/2018 16:16

I'm sorry, OP.

But he's young; a few months at that age can make a huge difference. He probably admires them a lot and sees them moving around confidently, so they are his 'friends' from his perspective. Perfectly normal, but they likely don't view him quite the same way right now.

Let it go. It's not a big deal.

morningconstitutional2017 · 12/01/2018 16:20

If DS is as oblivious as he seems I guess it's not worth making an issue out of it. He's got plenty of time to make better friends.

LittleTinyPig · 12/01/2018 16:23

Maybe the Mums are already friends and it is nothing to do with child's choice at that age?

This exactly.

paxillin · 12/01/2018 16:26

Too young to worry. Kids see anybody in their class as a "friend" until they are old enough to form truly meaningful friendships (even in the early years of primary school they tend not to be too meaningful or stable).

TheDailyMailIsADisgustingRag · 12/01/2018 16:28

I agree with above^^. It’s probably more to do with the mums being friends than the children.

ApocalypseNowt · 12/01/2018 16:29

Isnt the rule the number of children invited is the same as their age

Hope this is just for children. I'm turning 37 this year....I'd better start making some more friends.... Wink

TakeTheCrown · 12/01/2018 16:35

It can help to try and make friends among the other Mum's, these things can be cliquey. I hate making new friends but I wish I had tried harder for my DC's sake. The Mummy Mafia is real...

BalloonSlayer · 12/01/2018 16:42

When my DCs were small I used to ask them who they wanted to come to their parties. They would look blank and when pressed name one or two DCs. I would keep asking but they would look blank. So I would invite the DCs I could think of, which usually meant a) kids I had seen them play with and heard them mention b) kids I knew of, which was usually because I knew the Mum.

Once DC asked for a X Name, there were two boys called that and I invited the wrong one because I didn't know there was another one!

Mummyoflittledragon · 12/01/2018 16:43

Do you want to meet more people? You could invite all the children from his room that your ds sees. Expect to not get responses from some parents - they won’t necessarily look in their bags if the nursery put them there for example. As others have said, it’s fine. It really is probably that these parents are friends. With dd I invited the children, whose parents I knew at this age. It will all change once your ds is at school.

Chienrouge · 12/01/2018 16:43

Once DC asked for a X Name, there were two boys called that and I invited the wrong one because I didn't know there was another one!

I did this at DD’s 4th birthday party Grin.

Ironfloor · 12/01/2018 16:49

I was like you when DD was the same age. I got unreasonably upset that she wasn't invited to a preschool girl's party, to which a large number of children were invited to.

What I didn't realise was, that was only the beginning. When she started school, she went through about an year of not being invited to many girls only and most-of-the class parties. I feel into pieces every time I heard there was a party coming up that DD was not invited to. DD is also not the most confident and outgoing person.

HOWEVER, she is now 7 and has a lovely set of friends and is regularly invited to partied and sleepovers. She is still not the most sociable person but is well-mannered and kind so I guess it took a few years for her true colours to start showing and for others to start appreciating.

With the help of my DH, I learnt to grow a thick skin which has massively helped me not to take these things to heart. If you stop to think about it, you might realise that your DS is not the only child who didn't get invited to this party or, as you say, maybe those kids are not as good friends as he says they are.

junglebookisthebest · 12/01/2018 16:52

At our preschool I don't think there were these big parties. The occasional bag of sweets in the tray because it was someones birthday and I just assumed they weren't having them rather than DD not invited.
At reception we seem to have a mixed bag - there have been a few all class parties - I think 5 so far, plus some birthdays (because of the sweets) Me and DD have no idea if those other birthdays were no parties or we weren't invited. Am not really concerned.
(What does concern me is that DD has stated she wants an all class party at the play centre and that will be a bloody fortune for 28 kids!)
So please don't stress about it - just ensure your DC is happy at school and likes playing with lots of different kids.

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