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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To cut out family

42 replies

emma2468 · 18/12/2017 00:38

My mum mentioned today she’s on instagram so I thought I’d join and have a look. Well she’s got a photo on there of her, her 2 sisters, each with their daughters and her with my sister in law having afternoon tea a couple of weekends ago. I’m the only one missing, no one invited me or even mentioned it was happening. This is just one of many similar instances where I’m excluded by my extended family as well as my mum and my brother. AIBU to cut all ties? I’ve tried to do so in the past but they seem to guilt trip me back in. I’ve sent my Mum a couple of stroppy texts tonight after seeing the photos and I know it will be made out that I’m unreasonable when she sees them. I’ve also told her I’m staying at home for Xmas now.

OP posts:
Tinselistacky · 18/12/2017 00:43

Block them all and declare yourself an orphan . I def recommend it for a stress free life.

Fatso1978 · 18/12/2017 00:47

My Sisters and Mum are the same. They even plan their outings right in front of me and talk about great times they have. It hurts me very much to always be excluded.

I am your family is the same.

RadioGaGoo · 18/12/2017 01:09

It will be interesting to hear her response to your text as well as her explanation for excluding you from the afternoon tea, which is pretty awful behaviour.

Holding on to people who consistently hurt and guilt you will just cause you pain time and time again.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 18/12/2017 01:11

Did she reply to your texts? I can't think of any reason for what she did that's decent!

Original poster
emma2468 · 18/12/2017 07:19

Nope still no reply to my texts. I barely slept last night. There can be no reasonable explanation for it.

OP posts:
Lamppull · 18/12/2017 07:29

I cut ties years ago and I'll admit I've never been happier.

Original poster
emma2468 · 18/12/2017 07:36

She’s finally replied with “I thought you’d been invited” yet she never once mentioned it to me. Not asking me before hand if I was going or after why I didn’t make it?? Sounds like she’s trying to dig her way out now.

OP posts:
SugarPlumLairy · 18/12/2017 07:38

Cut ties. You are their scapegoat, they enjoy kicking you, of course they will guilt you into coming back, they don't want to lose their toy!

I -have- had family like that, I did everything for them ;pay their bills, take them on holidays, do their housework/repairs etc yet when I really needed help (2weeks in hospital) not so much as a card.

You're life will be so much better without these nasty people involved.
Good luck and please don't be put off by people with functional families telling you that you're wrong. They have no idea how awful a dysfunctional family can be.

Original poster
emma2468 · 18/12/2017 07:40

Her excuse “You always say no”.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 18/12/2017 07:41

My family do this. Have a whole mass get together - sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces, nephews etc. and I’m not invited.

My mother refers to my dad in front of me as her “ex husband” as if I’m the bloody neighbour and have no link to him.

I’ve been NC a few times but it’s easier to go low contact sometimes.

Original poster
emma2468 · 18/12/2017 07:42

Yeah I say no cos I’m fed up of being treated like dirt. And if I always say no why did I spend ££££ going on hen dos and away to Italy for cousin’s wedding this year?

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 18/12/2017 07:43

The best bit is that my sister, who repeatedly tried to kill me and ruined my childhood, is always invited. My mother pays for holidays to Rome for the two of them, and is paying for my other sister to fly home from NZ but when she offered to give me £50 for my DS’s shoes (I don’t want or need the money) she can’t afford it!!

JustHope · 18/12/2017 07:45

My siblings organised a weekend away for my DPs as a present and never mentioned anything about it to me. When my DM told me about it she assumed I knew so I just went along with it as I didn’t want an argument to upset my DPs. I am hurt and fuming inside but I have not said anything. Well done OP for calling them on their shitty behaviour Flowers

Hissy · 18/12/2017 07:49

Oh I had this... M moved house hundreds of miles away, initially told everyone about the house she’d found... except me. I overheard it at a family do.

Then she moved, no forwarding address for about 2 weeks.

It was amazing to watch the slow car crash of the end of my family.

When I emailed her to ask why she’d done that, her reply was that “we were never that close”

Shock

Used to speak to her every day
Used to pop in and hang out most weekends.

God it hurts like nothing else when you make the decision to insist on minimum standards, but it’s the right thing to do.

Stately homes thread here will really help you

Bobbins43 · 18/12/2017 07:49

That's fucking rough. I second the low/no contact. What on earth could she or your sisters/SIL say now that would make it OK?

Bobbins43 · 18/12/2017 07:50

Some of the stories on here already are bloody awful.

xmasgrinch · 18/12/2017 07:50

I have a lot of brothers and every time a star wars film comes out they all go together and forget that I exist. When I pulled them up on it they told me that Star Wars is a boys thing, and I never liked it. But the tradition comes from when my dad arrived home on my 7th birthday and announced he'd won some money and was taking me out for a birthday treat - the one and only time this ever happened - and I asked to go to the cinema and see Return of the Jedi. People can be weird and thoughtless.

Bobbins43 · 18/12/2017 07:51

I always thought I was being over sensitive about not being asked or invited to things. Or only asked round when my mum wants my help with something or a lift somewhere. But it's not on, actually is it?

xmasgrinch · 18/12/2017 07:52

Oh and my mum called me at mid night on NYE 2010 and told me she had emigrated - she'd been 'on holiday' for 3 weeks but unbeknown to me wasn't ever returning.

laudanum · 18/12/2017 07:54

You can't pick the people who brought you into this world, unfortunately. However, you can pick your own family from just about anyone who deserves you and is wonderful. Excluding them is entirely reasonable. ♥️

Original poster
emma2468 · 18/12/2017 07:56

She’s deluded.

Her excuse is that she thought I was invited and declined.

But when I said why didn’t you check she says she did.

So I’ve said she’s as much of a bully as they are by going along with excluding people.

They used to treat one of their sisters the same. Now she has nothing much to do with them they’ve started on me.

OP posts:
sanityisamyth · 18/12/2017 07:58

My other cheerful anecdote about her was just over 10 years ago when I was at uni 500 miles away from home. I phoned her to say I’d been raped.

Her response: “at least he didn’t strangle you afterwards” and put the phone down.

JustHope · 18/12/2017 09:02

That’s so horrible Sanity you would get more compassion from a stranger. How people treat their own families is just shocking Flowers

JustHope · 18/12/2017 09:05

What also gets me is that if you make a fuss about being excluded you are then seen as stroppy, unreasonable and difficult and this is used as an excuse to exclude you even more.

sanityisamyth · 18/12/2017 10:11

Yep, totally agree on both counts JustHope!!