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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband telling people our business

46 replies

skinnylatte81 · 15/12/2017 07:44

My husband and I have had a massive row on Wednesday and he went to bed without trying to resolve it. On Thursday we were meant to go for dinner with his family and I was ready to go but he got home from work and just took the kids over which is probably better as there was a lot of tension between us. I've found out he told his family I couldn't come as we had had a fight. AIBU to think he should have said something else and not brought our business into it?

OP posts:

Sanshin · 15/12/2017 07:45

I'm a very private person and that would infuriate me. YANBU.

Sirzy · 15/12/2017 07:47

Maybe he didn’t want to lie. Maybe he wanted some advice?

It’s a tough one really imo and depends what he said and how

ZigZagandDustin · 15/12/2017 07:48

If it upsets you then yes, he should have said something else. Everyone is different levels of open. And in a relationship people need to try their best to respect the other persons need for privacy.

Original poster

skinnylatte81 · 15/12/2017 07:50

It does upset me because years ago I remember doing something similar and he wasn't happy about it. He told me his reason for telling them we had a fight was he didn't want to lie any more

OP posts:

Devilishpyjamas · 15/12/2017 07:51

TBH I think it’s up to him. It was odd you weren’t there and he probably didn’t want to lie to them.

Zoesweet · 15/12/2017 07:52

If he told his parents about you two not getting well, maybe he either ddn't want to lie or is seeking for an advice. But I guess what's more important than telling people of your circumstance is to directly talk to each other and sort things out.

Devilishpyjamas · 15/12/2017 07:53

Forcing people to respect your level of privacy can become quite controlling though. It’s a fine line. He hasn’t slagged you off on Facebook, or told his family intimate details of your life - he’s said you had a fight. He may be feeling upset by that himself and is allowed to get emotional support for it.

ColonelJackONeil · 15/12/2017 07:54

Everyone who is married has a row sometimes. If his parents are decent people whose opinions are worth caring about they will be understanding and just concerned that you are able to resolve your problems.

TheNaze73 · 15/12/2017 07:55

I think YABU.

LazyDailyMailJournos · 15/12/2017 07:55

I'm on the fence with this one. It depends how much he told them.

If it was just that you weren't there because you'd had a disagreement, but he didn't offer any further details, then I'd let it go.

If he shared chapter and verse of what you were disagreeing about, then YANBU and I'd be very pissed off.

You need to try and resolve your argument and then have a calm conversation about how much detail you share with other people. I'm a 'sharer' and DH, given his own way, would happily be an island! You need to reach a compromise where you are both happy.

Eltonjohnssyrup · 15/12/2017 07:56

If you've done the same yourself you can't really complain. Also, when you did that, was it family you told and were things as bad as they are now?

If things are very bad between you he has the right to confide to family.

cheeseandpineapple · 15/12/2017 08:00

Saying he doesn’t want to lie anymore suggests that he’s had to cover up rows/discord in the past. Do you row regularly and if so, maybe the bigger issue isn’t the telling but how do you resolve the rowing?

zzzzz · 15/12/2017 08:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Penfold007 · 15/12/2017 08:06

Do you think he is getting his ducks in a row so to speak and warning his family that the marriage is over?

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 15/12/2017 08:08

He doesn't want to lie any more. Years ago the same thing happened in reverse: you told people, he was annoyed.

How many of these massive rows are you having? Is there a bigger "it" than one row that he's tired of lying about?

Codlet · 15/12/2017 08:10

Personally I would be a lot less upset by this than by the fact that he took the kids and went without you even though you were ready to go. I would be really cross about that!

LakieLady · 15/12/2017 08:10

Some people are open with their families, some aren't. I don't think it's a big deal myself, everyone rows from time to time, it's nothing to be ashamed of.

You need to discuss what's an appropriate level of info sharing and try and find a level you're both comfortable with.

Oblomov17 · 15/12/2017 08:15

YABU
It's hardly detailed information is it? He's factual.

Nousernameforme · 15/12/2017 08:15

The doesn't want to lie anymore sounds a bit like this was the final straw.
Was it a bad ending relationship row?

1099 · 15/12/2017 08:16

Did I miss something here, you were supposed to be going for a meal with his family, your OH came home and took the kids to the meal but not you and you're upset that at the meal he told his parents you couldn't come because you'd both had an argument. Why aren't you upset that he decided you'd be staying home and he'd be going to this meal with the kids. You even say you'd got ready to go. Does he often decide which events you'll be attending and when you'll be staying at home.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2017 08:17

It really does depend on what you are rowing about. If it's something petty like how much tinsel to put on the Christmas tree then he's being a sulky manbaby. if it's a major issue like whether to have more DC, a career change for one of you, whether to move house, financial problems etc then... Well, maybe he needs support from his family. Or maybe he's getting his side of the story in first.

greendale17 · 15/12/2017 08:19

YABU- he was being factual. Would you rather he lie to his family?

cestlavielife · 15/12/2017 08:20

If you argued on Wednesday
And by 24 hours later nothing was resolved
Then there are big issues and it is good his family knows.he is going to need their support.
Poor kids. Being in a situation where tension remains for more than 24 hours.
Get some support yourself.

Mulch · 15/12/2017 08:20

Tell them the literal origins?

WeAllHaveWings · 15/12/2017 08:30

You are having "fights" with long lasting awkwardness/tension with children in the house on a regular basis ("he doesn't want to lie anymore")

Its now Friday (2 days after the original fight) and you are still looking for more ammunition/getting strangers on your side by trying to find out if YABU to not like him telling his parents.

Him telling his parents is the least of your problems. You need to focus on, as a couple, your relationship and why you can no longer communicate or resolve issues in a mature manner.

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