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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Husband telling people our business

46 replies

skinnylatte81 · 15/12/2017 07:44

My husband and I have had a massive row on Wednesday and he went to bed without trying to resolve it. On Thursday we were meant to go for dinner with his family and I was ready to go but he got home from work and just took the kids over which is probably better as there was a lot of tension between us. I've found out he told his family I couldn't come as we had had a fight. AIBU to think he should have said something else and not brought our business into it?

OP posts:

diddl · 15/12/2017 08:32

So who decided that you weren't going?

If he's fed up of lying, how often does it happen?

Why did you tell people before?

For sympathy, to make him look bad?

BarbarianMum · 15/12/2017 08:36

If he forbade you from telling your family that you'd argued people would call him controlling.

I don't think he should share details but yes he's entitled not to hide a huge row.

Jellybean85 · 15/12/2017 08:39

I thought you were going to say he gossiped to his mates online or his colleagues at work. He privately told his parents, because you weren't there. To say he's tired of lying makes it seem like it happens a lot, I don't think he's out of line to confide in family or even close friends. Do you never talk to anyone about the relationship?

PositivelyPERF · 15/12/2017 08:39

What was the row over and when you say HE didn't try to resolve it, you make it sound like it's his job to resolve the argument. Have I misunderstood that bit?

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 08:43

This is not the battle to pick.

You should be working to resolve the conflict.

sofato5miles · 15/12/2017 08:43

I really cannot see the issue. Unless you were in the wrong and are embarrassed about your behaviour.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 08:47

The real problem here is that he deliberately didn't give you a chance to resolve things....he took your chance away by going alone....meaning HE chose that situation....and told them.

ravenmum · 15/12/2017 08:50

I was ready to go but he got home from work and just took the kids over
If you were about to come, and he just didn't take you - but made it sound to his family as if you refused to come as you were sulking after a fight, then that's U.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 15/12/2017 08:53

He told me his reason for telling them we had a fight was he didn't want to lie any more
I can’t disagree with him on that one. He is totally entitled to exp,win why you aren’t there and tell the truth. Just as it is ok for him to reach out to get some support.

You CAN disagree with the fact he left wo having solved the issue etc... however, wo the context or knowing what the row was about, it’s hard to see if it could have been sorted there and then.
He might well have decided to stop engaging and take his time to calm down to be able to better explain his POV for example. Or to reflect on what his boundaries are and whether he can or cannot be more flexible.
Or he might be arse who is acting like a toddler sulking.

HermioneAndTheSniffle · 15/12/2017 08:54

raven I’m not sure about that.
The DH might just have said there was too much tension between them and that he wanted to come on his own.

ShatnersWig · 15/12/2017 08:56

OP you started another thread yesterday which included this:

My husband has a habit of throwing stuff back in my face. I do not have a close relationship with my family for various reasons and as a result I visit them less frequently as when I'm around them I'm feeling like a 5 year old child again even with my own children. My husband has supported my decision but then during an argument will goade how I've no one to be able to turn to. I'm thinking I've been suffering with stress and anxiety since the birth of my daughter a while ago

This, coupled with him saying that he didn't want to lie any more, suggests there is a lot going on in this marriage and that counselling might be a very good idea.

CheapSausagesAndSpam · 15/12/2017 09:11

But doesn't anyone else think the DH was wrong not to give OP the choice of sorting the row out and coming to the dinner??

RadioGaGoo · 15/12/2017 09:24

So the OP did something similar years ago and her DH was unhappy about it, but it's fine for him to do it now because it's 'support' and the OP being unhappy about it is unreasonable. Which is absolutely fine as long as it's acknowledged that her DH was being unreasonable with his response to the situation previously. If not, then this is really hypocritical.

Blackteadrinker77 · 15/12/2017 09:40

cheapsausagesandspam- We don't know what the argument was about so we don't know that it can be fixed that easily.

ReanimatedSGB · 15/12/2017 09:55

I don't much like the sound of this man goading OP about her having no one to turn to. Coupled with what appears to be him deciding for her that she was to be left at home while he took DC to visit his family, it suggests a man who is working to isolate his partner from other people and make her dependent on him: if she isn't sufficiently compliant, she has to be punished.

It's possible that the depression and anxiety OP mentions are the natural result of living with an abusive, controlling man - and one who is pulling that old trick of painting his wife as 'mad' or wicked or unreasonable in order to make her even more helpless.

Though, to be fair (because we don't know) if there is an issue along the lines of OP having a drink or drug problem and the rows being about that then the man may be sick of covering up for her.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 15/12/2017 10:03

cheap no, not really. I mean, that'd have been nice, but after not talking for 24 hours, it seems unlikely OP and DH would make up enough to prevent the argument from affecting the meal.

In those circumstances, one parent taking the kids out of the atmosphere seems the right thing to do.

MirriVan · 15/12/2017 10:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/12/2017 10:20

Without even seeing the extra info from the other poster I was already think

NoFucksImAQueen · 15/12/2017 10:20

Thinking... that HE went to bed without trying to resolve it.
Telling them you couldn't come makes it sound like you didn't want to but actually he left you

Columbine1 · 15/12/2017 10:21

How did you think the row could/should be resolved?
Telling that you haven't told us what it was about...
Even if you get us internet strangers on your side with a very edited account of what happened its not going to help the actual situation. It seems he is at the end of his tether & its diversionary to concentrate on him having to give a limited explanation to his parents to explain your absence (as he didn't want to lie 'any more') rather than address the situation

Butteredparsn1ps · 16/12/2017 08:57

OP I don’t like the sound of him goading you.

Being/feeling isolated as a new mother is tough and you sound like you are questioning whether you have anxiety/depression or PND

I can’t comment on your latest argument, on the information given, but if you feel like you need support to explore this. The relationships board might be a better resource for you than AIBU

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