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Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WWYD? Poorly DM and holiday

42 replies

roconnell · 11/12/2017 15:07

Hi everyone,

DP and I have a short holiday booked to a European country. We are supposed to be leaving on Sunday, coming back on Thursday. But last week my DM found a lump in her breast Sad she has had a biopsy and a scan and according to the nurse it is likely to be cancer. If it is she will be having an operation within the next 2 weeks, which obviously covers the time we are away. She finds out the result and treatment plan on Wednesday (as in 2 days from now). Either way, I'm very upset, and I might need to go and stay with her to help over the time we would have been on holiday. In my position would you cancel the holiday? We have insurance and would recover most of the money, not that that's important.

OP posts:
Cantuccit · 11/12/2017 15:10

I'm so sorry, OP. Flowers for your mum.

Yes, I would cancel the holiday. You probably won't enjoy it anyway with this hanging over you.

And your mum would know you're there for her.

Bobbiepin · 11/12/2017 15:12

Cancel the holiday. You won't be able to relax and your DM needs you now. There will be time for holidays in the future. I hope the surgery is all that's needed and your DM recovers quickly Flowers

MrsStinkey · 11/12/2017 15:13

I would 100% cancel if it was my DM. You can take the trip another time. Being there for her is what matters the now. Flowers OP. Hopefully everything will be fine.

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 11/12/2017 15:15

I’d ask your Mum. She might still want you to go. Leave it up to her x

maddiemookins16mum · 11/12/2017 15:17

Yes I would, I'd want to support my mum.

Grumpyoldwoman007 · 11/12/2017 15:18

I disagree with leave it up to your mum. She will say go whether she means it or not and she has enough on her plate without giving her responsibility for that too. I would say if you are not going to lose out financially then cancel. As pp have said you wouldn't enjoy it anyway with that going on at home

DonutCone · 11/12/2017 15:20

Don't ask your Mum! It's not right at all to give her the pressure of a decision.

Cancel. There will be other holidays.

Sirzy · 11/12/2017 15:22

are you sure insurance would cover it?

You need to do what feels right. In a way a 5
Day break now may help you be in a better place to support long term and it is important to look after yourself during tough times too.

Do you have other siblings/family who would support?

deepestdarkestperu · 11/12/2017 15:24

I'm so sorry about your mum Thanks

I would definitely cancel. You can always have another holiday but you'll always regret not being there for her now.

As an aside, I didn't realise insurance would pay out under circumstances like that?

Original poster
roconnell · 11/12/2017 15:29

Sirzy yes, the insurance covers the vast majority of it. I have a sister who is also around to help.

DM has said she wants everything to stay as normal as possible, she says that's her way of coping. But I'm struggling with that. I want to be with her, but in typical DM fashion, she doesn't want a fuss. But I want to fuss, but maybe I should respect her wishes. I haven't mentioned the holiday though. I won't be consulting her on the decision as she's got enough on her plate. I'm finding it really difficult to think clearly at the moment, and that's why I'm asking on here. Thank you for all your responses so far

OP posts:
Original poster
roconnell · 11/12/2017 15:31

deepestdarkestperu it says it covers the event of familial illness, and mother is one of the listed family members it covers.

OP posts:
deepestdarkestperu · 11/12/2017 15:32

Ah that's useful to know, thank you.

I hope you're doing okay Thanks

JaneEyre70 · 11/12/2017 15:46

In honesty, will you enjoy being away? I don't think I could at all. We cancelled a weekend away when my nan was dying, and I've never regretted it for a second. It meant more to be at home and supporting my mum. I'm sorry you've all had such a shock Flowers.

HerRoyalNotness · 11/12/2017 15:47

I would go, it's only 5 days. Check in with her a couple of times while you're away to let her know you are thinking of her.

You'll be there with her for the long haul of treatment, and as you say she doesn't want a fuss, so don't give her one too soon. Save it for when she really needs it

Contactless · 11/12/2017 15:50

I'm not sure if I would cancel actually. I agree I'd probably have a miserable time, but my mum would hate to think we'd cancelled because of her.

Migraleve · 11/12/2017 15:51

I wouldn't go, even if the insurance didn't pay out. I'm sorry that it's bad news for your mum but the best you can do is be there for her regardless of what she says. I would tell my family to carry on as normal under these circumstances, but realistically I would expect them not to.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 11/12/2017 15:52

I tgink respect your mum's wishes...

I assume it's a biopsy rather than major surgery?

There will be plenty of time to support her

youarenotkiddingme · 11/12/2017 16:00

I’d be tempted to say cancel.

However my mum was dx with a cancer with very poor prognosis this time last year and told she’d start chemo week leading up to xmas.

Ds and I had booked to go to CP for 5 days.

My mum said if I cancelled it wouldn’t be the cancer killing her it would her killing me! (She has a dry soh).

Basically she didn’t want ds xmas holdout he was looking forward to cancelled when he’d have to watch her go through chemo and all that entails.

So I’d ask you Mum what she wants before making any decisions. I’m not going to lie - it was on my mind whilst I was a way but ds and I made memories we’ll treasure forever that we shared with Mum.

Flowers
OliviaBenson · 11/12/2017 16:02

I think you need to respect your mums wishes and not fuss. I mean this nicely but it isn't about what you want.

Hissy · 11/12/2017 16:05

OP, don't panic. You will come back and be available to be there for her when it really matters, when she is at home and recovering, whatever the results.

rookiemere · 11/12/2017 16:06

Do you have siblings?
How easy is it for you to reschedule the break ?
Actually I'd probably just cancel. There's no point in going away if you've got something hanging over you . Have you spoken to the insurance company to confirm they will pay out?

Or can you wait until Wednesday before you know what the full situation is before making the decision?

rookiemere · 11/12/2017 16:07

Oh sorry cross post you've answered most of the questions already.

waitingfortheendtocome · 11/12/2017 16:07

Can you wait to find out the actual diagnosis and then the treatment plan? At the beginning there are a lot of scans and appointments. Then the treatment plan is put in action. That's the time to decide. You're mum will be in shock at the moment, the worst time is all the waiting for consultations and results. I have breast cancer and insisted my daughter still went back packing, the oncologist had a word with her too just to reassure her. If it's a lumpectomy she'll be in Hospital over night or 2 possibly. If it's a mastectomy fair bit longer.
But at the end of the day do what suits you Thanks

Sirzy · 11/12/2017 16:08

From your last post it sounds like going may give your Mum the chance to process things in her own way?

It is hard when you want to be there sometimes to accept at that point someone doesn’t want that.

illustrious · 11/12/2017 16:11

You could wait till Weds to see when the treatment will start, it might miss the hols altogether. But if it doesn't then yes I would postpone the holiday probably but be guided by DM.