WWYD? Poorly DM and holiday

[roconnell]

Hi everyone,

DP and I have a short holiday booked to a European country. We are supposed to be leaving on Sunday, coming back on Thursday. But last week my DM found a lump in her breast she has had a biopsy and a scan and according to the nurse it is likely to be cancer. If it is she will be having an operation within the next 2 weeks, which obviously covers the time we are away. She finds out the result and treatment plan on Wednesday (as in 2 days from now). Either way, I'm very upset, and I might need to go and stay with her to help over the time we would have been on holiday. In my position would you cancel the holiday? We have insurance and would recover most of the money, not that that's important.

My mother has an operation for a lump a few weeks ago and didn’t tell me . It wasn’t in a place you could biopsy when in situ. It now turns out it’s cancer and she has another very very long operation booked very soon to remove a lot of different tissue and have reconstructive surgery. I really can’t tell you what to do as by the sound of it you have a far closer relationship with yours.

Your mum will quite probably be told the date of her operation on Wednesday. I would wait until you have the results and operation date before deciding. Just remember though that if it ends up being more invasive surgery she will need you far more in the days after she leaves hospital rather than during the actual op.

I would wait for the results on Wednesday.
Does she have any other support apart from you?

I would wait until Wednesday before making any decesion. Then you will know whether it is definantly cancer, and when her treatment starts if it is.

I’m slightly surprised the nurses said it could be cancer, without any definite diagnosis. When I had bc, the consultant told you the result.

I would say wait until she gets the results.

I had a biopsy and had a lump removed. Mine hadn't spread so the op was Day surgery and all very easy. As it hadn't spread I only needed radiotherapy.

Fingers crossed your mum is the same.

Wait till Wednesday then see what the plan is. If it is cancer, this could be a long haul. It's unlikely she'll have major surgery in the next 2 weeks without any other therapy first. If it does turn into a long haul you'll be glad you had a little break first to be refreshed and ready to support her. I hope you get surprise good news. xx

Thank you for all the responses.
DM has other support, DDad and DSis are there for her too, and she lives just down the road from her MIL and FIL, my GPs.
I'm not sure how easy it will be to reschedule the holiday, and I haven't actually spoken to the insurance company to confirm that they will pay out, I just read that in the policy. I think I'll wait until Wednesday when she'll have a firm diagnosis, then make a decision. I feel like just cancelling the holiday, but she wants us to go. We'll see what happens on Wednesday. Thank you all

To the PP who said it's surprising they told her it may be cancer before the biopsy results are back, I know, I was very surprised too. Apparently she asked the nurse if it's cancer, and she said they don't usually comment before results are back, but, the nurse said, and I quote, 'if I was a betting person, I'd bet on this one.'

Couldn't that be taken either way?. I'd think that meant she'd bet on this one being clear. Fingers crossed for you all OP

DH has cancer, in June he had an operation on his liver and in August on his bowel tumour. He went into hospital on his own for the second operation as it was a very last minute cance,Latino and I had a day out planned with DC and niece in London, I am going to be honest, the time that your Mum will need you is when she is out, in hospital she has nurses, doctors and your sister. Go on holiday as your insurance may not pay out as it does not directly effect you and also she will need you more when out and planning a break may be difficult after her op.

I would cancel if it was my DM. As others have said, you probably couldn't enjoy it anyway.

for you and your mum

I agree with Five. DH has been having cancer treatment and there quickly become so many appointments and tests and biopsies and results that you just can't be there for everything. For us, this has been a long haul and we needed to pace ourselves.

I agree with a previous poster that if your Mum does get bad news on Wednesday then she may well need you more in the long term.
You could go on your break and bring her back a lovely present and share your pics to cheer her up and take her mind off things.

Five
Sprinkle

My mums phiospohy was and is that she doesn’t want to watch us giving up our lives for what may be a short time she gets to see us having one for much longer.
She wants us to do what we would have done and for her to watch us enjoy it and talk to her about it.

Sorry to hear your DHs are ill five and sprinkle

I’d go on your holiday , your mum has plenty of support and it’s only a few days . If she is only having the biopsy on Wed I doubt much will have occurred prior to your return and if it were me I wouldn’t want the entire family just hanging about waiting on results and putting their lives on hold .

If it was my DM (& I can be absolutely sure that this would be her reaction, as my DM has incurable breast cancer so we’ve faced some of these situations) she’d be livid if I cancelled.

If you were her sole support, that would be different. Or if she was really sick right now and time was limited.

But if she’s just diagnosed, she has support from her DH and from wider family, and crucially she wants you to go, then you shouldn’t cancel.

The reason I’m quite definite, by the way, is that my DM feels one of the worst things is being at the mercy of other people & everything being out of control - NHS appointments, other people’s reactions etc - and so it would make her feel genuinely worse to think her diagnosis had ruined my holiday.

So even if it had ruined it and I felt I wouldn’t enjoy it, I’d go anyway in order to give my DM the semblance of control/normality.

Even if it is cancer (& I hope not!) remember it is a long haul with treatment and there will be lots of ways to show your support.

You know your DM best of course, but for my DM staying home wouldn’t be an option for me.