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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Work do

47 replies

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 21:19

So I've been mentioning at work for a few weeks about the work do..plans wtc..to which I was told there wouldn't be one this year.
So imagine my surprise when I was asked on Friday by one of the girls on maternity leave, whether she would see me on Friday at the work do..
Apparently it's the same place as last year..which I attended..
This feels so shit 🙈😔 where do I go from here? Any advice

OP posts:

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 10/12/2017 21:20

what sort of place do you work in? is it organised by managment/HR? Is it a big do or just drinks in a pub? possible miscommunication?

Original poster

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 21:22

No small place..only 19 staff members. It's a ticket only thing which would have been booked October time.

OP posts:

loveablether · 10/12/2017 21:22

Find out where and when and go. Unless already booked up - Don’t over think it...or make a big deal. I really doubt there was some big conspiracy to keep you out of the loop

Original poster

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 21:23

See usually I would agree but I asked everyone if there were any plans to do anything else to which everyone said no.

OP posts:

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 10/12/2017 21:23

find out who booked tickets and outright ask them what's going on. I would be livid and putting them on the spot is the best way to get a straight read on the situation.

Jessikita · 10/12/2017 21:31

I’m really sorry this has happened to you. How hurtful! Is there a ringleader who organises the Christmas doo and you’ve upset them? Or you clash with them? If this was organised by management I’d say it’s bullying!

There are 3 options really, depending on who organised it (for me anyway) - say nothing and try and forget about it, carry on working there
Say nothing and leave ASAP
Confront your manager directly - if they have any kind of management backbone they’ll tell you the truth - however, if they organised it and are cagey etc I’d be very upset

Hope you’re ok. Adults never stop bullying or being less cruel than kids. They just attempt to hide it better.

Original poster

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 21:35

I've got a feeling I know who organised it but thought we got on..how wrong can I be lol. It's just so hurtful I'm always telling my kids to rise above nastiness walk away yet here me in my twenties crying over a bloody work do..
I feel pathetic and like I don't even want to walk back in the place.

OP posts:

DrRanjsRightEyebrow · 10/12/2017 21:37

it is horrible and hurtful, no doubt. They need to see how hurtful it is though, not just get away with it. Confront them, be matter of fact. Make them squirm.

Insomnibrat · 10/12/2017 21:37

Its probably just a massive oversight.

I still feel guilty about not inviting my Grandma's hairdresser to her funeral when she'd known her fro 20yrs, but in the planning of everything it just got overlooked.

Honestly, broach it, I bet there's been a mistake.

Original poster

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 21:39

I am going to broach the subject but tbh doubt it was an oversiggt..it was only Tuesday they confirmed that there was no planes for a work do this year.

OP posts:

Jessikita · 10/12/2017 22:04

You are not pathetic! Of course you are going to be upset.

Do you get full sick pay? I’d have a few days off with work related anxiety or stress.

comedycentral · 10/12/2017 22:12

That's bloody awful, people are cruel. Ask your boss about it.

Original poster

Heavensabove3005 · 10/12/2017 22:18

The more I think of it the more I'm sat here thinking the boss knows full well what gone on..god I feel like a proper mug

OP posts:

user1492877024 · 10/12/2017 23:27

Poor you. I hope this is some genuine oversight rather than petty vindictiveness. I would be genuinely surprised if someone was that childish to deliberately miss you out. I agree that it must hurt though.

BewareOfDragons · 11/12/2017 00:07

Ugh. I'm so sorry, OP.

Mxyzptlk · 11/12/2017 00:12

You weren't raving drunk and coming on to the boss / loudly insulting the boss at last year's do, were you?

If not, they must be pathetic. Definitely ask about it.

Jobjobjob · 11/12/2017 04:04

Oh that's proper nasty.

for you OP.

ImAMarshmellow · 11/12/2017 04:14

Were you off at all when the tickets would have been booked? Are you a massive liability when you've been drinking? Do you constantly complain about every other after work function you've been to, I.e childcare, distance to travel etc?
Maybe speak to the person who booked it, and mention that you would have loved to come and is there still space?, I'm not sure if HR would do anything if it's something outside of work?

Belleende · 11/12/2017 04:22

You should consider making this official. Talk to your manager and let them know you are considering taking it further. Put the fear of God into them, use words like sanctioned work place bullying. Let them know how hurt you are. Btw, HR should be all over this, doesn't matter that the do is outside work.

Unless you propositioned Santa and took a dump on the Yule log last year, there is no excuse for this.

TheClaws · 11/12/2017 04:46

Just a thought ... maybe the girl of maternity leave doesn’t know about the work do being cancelled either, and was just sounding you out to see if you knew without embarrassing herself?

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 11/12/2017 05:00

Its probably just a massive oversight.

Really?

Not inviting someone you work with every day to a work related 'do' when they are asking about said 'do' is hardly the same as not thinking to invite your grandma's hairdresser to her funeral.

Just a thought ... maybe the girl of maternity leave doesn’t know about the work do being cancelled either, and was just sounding you out to see if you knew without embarrassing herself?

But the woman on maternity leave told her that the 'do' was in the same place as last year, so definitely happening.

I understand that people want to be kind to the OP and reassure her but the reassurances have to at least be plausible.

I'd speak to someone directly at work and see what they see. It's astounding that they didn't think you'd find out!

StarOnTheTopOfTheTree · 11/12/2017 05:01

Put the fear of God into them, use words like sanctioned work place bullying

Yep.

Were any of the times you asked/responses by email?

Any of the times you asked by email but the responses verbal?

OliviaBenson · 11/12/2017 07:22

Have you a HR dept? This is a form of bullying by exclusion. I'd be gutted op.

LordEmsworth · 11/12/2017 07:40

I am surprised how many people are saying "maybe it's a mistake", it sounds deliberate and nasty.

Are you a massive liability when you've been drinking? Do you constantly complain about every other after work function you've been to, I.e childcare, distance to travel etc? - Even if this were true, excluding the OP is not the way to deal with it!

I'm not sure if HR would do anything if it's something outside of work? - It's a work Christmas do, where it takes place is irrelevant. And the behaviour is happening in the workplace.

Is the boss you refer to the owner, OP? That makes it harder. I wouldn't play along with them. My personal plan in your shoes would go:

Remember that they're acting like children in the playground, and rise above it
Float into the office, be lovely, be absolutely clear and direct that I know about it - I wouldn't give them the satisfaction of letting them know they've got away with their crappy plan. I would make them squirm - they know it's shitty behaviour
In my next 1:1 ask about bullying policies, and ask my boss for strategies to cope when others exclude me deliberately
Spend Christmas updating my CV to look for a new job. I wouldn't be staying there

FeistyColl · 11/12/2017 07:48

OP I don't quite understand what you mean by "mentioning for a few weeks". If you asked someone directly and were told there wasn't going to be a 'do' you should go back to that person and ask why they told you there wasn't going to be one.
Then go to your manager or HR.

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