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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask how to deal with this

65 replies

WhitePhantom · 10/12/2017 19:24

DS (13) and a friend (14) went to another friend's last night, stayed over. It was the other friend's 14th birthday. They were just staying in, playing xbox, eating crap, no sleep - the usual.

Turns out they went out and about at 2am. DS is getting very annoyed when I ask where, for how long, what did they do. I don't like him being out at that hour - people coming out of pubs / clubs, etc.

What to do? I don't want to be so heavy handed that he never tells me anything again, don't want to make too big a deal, don't want to make too small a deal - just want him to know this is not OK, and why.

Help!

OP posts:
TheStarryNightSky · 10/12/2017 19:26

It's too young and so unsafe... I'd tell him until he can learn to live by your rules then he's grounded and speak to him when he calms down about the dangers...

Did the friends parents know they had gone out?

molifly · 10/12/2017 19:30

Don't go too heavy as he will never tell you anything again. No need to ground just explain you have your concerns but are thankful he told you and talk about been safe

WorraLiberty · 10/12/2017 19:34

DS is getting very annoyed when I ask where, for how long, what did they do.

Is he now? Hmm

He's 13 years old. He doesn't get to be annoyed when questioned by his parents.

I'd tell him if he didn't start talking, I'd be straight around to the other parent's houses, to see what they have to say about it.

Frustrationqueen · 10/12/2017 19:39

Next time he asks to stop out just say no.
I remember sneaking off out early hours in the morning during a sleep over.
We just wandered the streets for a bit, just because we didnt know what it would be like at that time in the morning.

I would make sure the other parents were aware, and if they were why did they allow it

happy2bhomely · 10/12/2017 19:39

How did you find out?

CorbynsBumFlannel · 10/12/2017 19:39

How did you find out that he went out? If he told you then I'd be wary of coming down too hard and I'd just explain the dangers. I'm assuming his friend's parents were asleep. Do you know them well enough to ask if they knew about them going out at that hour?

Peachyking000 · 10/12/2017 19:43

Hmm, I’d give him the option of either telling me, or me contacting the friend’s parents - I bet he’d choose the first option.

Though, I do recall one holiday me and my cousin sneaking out of our hotel at 1am, to walk on the beach with 2 18 year old boys who worked in the hotel. I was 11 and my cousin 16. Almost 30 years later my parents still don’t have a clue. Absolutely nothing happened though, it was genuinely just a beach walk.

Somethingfantastic89 · 10/12/2017 19:49

If this is the first time this has happened and if he was the one who told you about it, I wouldn't press for further information this time, but would sit him down and tell him all the reasons why it's not safe etc.

Pengggwn · 10/12/2017 19:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ObscuredbyFog · 10/12/2017 20:04

I'd contact the parents of both other boys, ask what they know about it and probably stop all sleepovers for my son for the forseeable future.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 10/12/2017 20:07

I'd be thanking him for telling me and explaining why I was concerned and having a conversation with him as an equal which includes you both talking about ways for him to keep safe in the future.

Pengggwn · 10/12/2017 20:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 10/12/2017 20:14

He isn't an equal, but may need a frank conversation as if an equal. There's no right answer, just the best way to get through to him.

gamerchick · 10/12/2017 20:17

Well someone doesn’t get to sleep out again anytime soon does he?

reallytired17 · 10/12/2017 20:18

I’ve always enjoyed roaming around in the wee small hours, I must admit.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 10/12/2017 20:20

Yes, thank you Pen I'm aware of that. I said the conversation should be equal. You may not have read this bit but the OP is concerned that she doesn't want her DS to NOT talk to her/tell her stuff in future.

I think the best way for the OP to achieve that is to have an open and honest conversation which ends with both of the making a plan and picking strategies for the future. I'd suggest the DS needs to be part of that process, because (a) he's more likely to remember it and (b) more likely to adhere to it if it's done with his co-operation and input than if a loads of rules were dumped on his head.

happy2bhomely · 10/12/2017 20:30

Keep serving I completely agree with your approach.

Ask him if he thought it was dangerous. Ask him to respect that you worry about him and are responsible for keeping him safe. Explain that you don't want to spoil his fun but you are concerned he didn't make a good choice when he went wandering without an adult knowing. Tell him that you are very pleased that he told you. Check that he was happy to go out and wasn't pressured into it.

A lot depends on whether the hosting parents knew and what his attitude is like today. If he is sorry that he worried you then that is a good start. If he doesn't give a shit, then that is different.

Sometimes kids tell you things because they want you to stop them. They just don't know how to ask.

Pengggwn · 10/12/2017 20:36

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

KeepServingTheDrinks · 10/12/2017 21:08

That's ok Pen, you weren't asking for advice so it wasn't directed at you. The OP is and has a range of suggestions so she can pick and choose what works for her.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 10/12/2017 23:08

Thanks everyone! He was the one who told me, but then got annoyed when I tried to ask more about it. It's the first time he's been to this guy's house, and I only met the mother for the first time when I dropped him off yesterday evening.

I've had another chat with him, told him I didn't want to spoil his fun, didn't want to stop him going places and doing things, but that there are scummy people around, specially at that hour of the morning, who would kick the shit out of someone just for laughs, and that I only want him to stay safe.

I reminded him of the X plan (text me the letter X if he's in a situation that he needs to get out of but isn't free to ring me; I'll ring him on a pretext and tell him there's some emergency and he has to come home, and that I'll come and collect him, no questions asked - for anyone who's not familiar with it) and there was plenty of eye rolling and I know, I know... But I got the message across.

I think that's about all I can do for now. The other guy's mother didn't know they were going out - they only told her this morning and she didn't say much (at the time - maybe she said more later when the buddies were gone). I was reluctant to contact her till I found out whether she knew or not, as I didn't want to drop ds in it and then his friends would hate him and then he'd hate me.... Oh god it's not easy! But now that I know she knows, I might give her a shout.

The other guy, I can talk to his mother alright - ds and him have been friends since they were 4, and we always give each other the heads up and look out for them both.

Thanks everyone, ye kept me very calm and I think things have ended much better than they might have otherwise.

OP posts:
Original poster
WhitePhantom · 10/12/2017 23:10

BTW, he says they only stayed around the friend's estate, didn't go in around town. But who knows?

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 10/12/2017 23:19

Your 'who knows' speaks volumes here.

You don't trust him and with good reason really, therefore I wouldn't allow him on any more sleepovers for a while.

The last thing you want is a knock at the door from the police in the early hours of the morning, because that's what would have happened if they'd seen such a young lad out and about at 2am.

Original poster
WhitePhantom · 11/12/2017 00:05

I don't necessarily distrust him.... I'll just aware that it's possible he's not telling the whole truth. I certainly didn't when I was his age - but never got up to a whole lot either.

OP posts:
justilou1 · 11/12/2017 05:06

Ummm - I'd be having words with the other kid's mother. She was temporarily your son's guardian and neither of the boys should have been pissing off in the middle of the night.

Allthetuppences · 11/12/2017 05:37

Having had the car egged and been woken by the sound of vomitting and swearing Saturday night by a group of teens staying at the house of another where the parents are out of the country. I'd definitely be avoiding playing it cool. My neighbours have gone straight to the police because of the damage to their car and the response Sunday morning of the hungover scrotes.
Don't try to be a cool parent. He doesn't get to fuck about with rules if he wants to be trusted again. Surely?