To ask how to deal with this

[WhitePhantom]

DS (13) and a friend (14) went to another friend's last night, stayed over. It was the other friend's 14th birthday. They were just staying in, playing xbox, eating crap, no sleep - the usual.

Turns out they went out and about at 2am. DS is getting very annoyed when I ask where, for how long, what did they do. I don't like him being out at that hour - people coming out of pubs / clubs, etc.

What to do? I don't want to be so heavy handed that he never tells me anything again, don't want to make too big a deal, don't want to make too small a deal - just want him to know this is not OK, and why.

Help!

He was the one who told me, but then got annoyed when I tried to ask more about it

13 is that age when they are pushing the boundaries more than ever, feeling grown up and like they know it all, but in reality still unprepared and childish.

That's why he wanted to tell you (because the child in him felt he needed to be safe and tell the "grown up") but then got frustrated and all "how dare you question me, I can do what I like" when you tried to find out more. Can't win lol.

Sounds like you're thinking in exactly the right way OP to get him onside and make sure the conversation doesn't get closed down for the future.

Banning sleepovers for however long isn't going to mean the child never misbehaves again. He will just get sneakier and make sure he isn't caught and punished.
You can't parent with an iron rod once kids get to teen years imo. They are out of your sight so much they need to learn why they need to make good choices and do it for those reasons rather than the fear of parental repercussions which they can be clever enough to avoid if they so wish.
I think you've handled it in a sensible and age appropriate way op.

I think you have the right approach, OP. It's reasonable to let him know that what he did was stupid, a breach of trust and could have been dangerous, but that you get why he did it. Yelling and authoritarian parenting only alienates teenagers and makes them more secretive. The fact that he told you says to me that he knows it crossed a line and he was troubled by it himself, which is a good thing. He'll have to demonstrate that he can be trusted and mature enough to have another sleepover.

I wouldn’t be hosting sleepovers for your sons friends. Too much responsibility. A small consequence but one worth thinking about. Ask him about the potential consequences- what could have gone wrong and what the consequences might have been.

Do you talk to everyone like a naughty teenager, Pengggwyn?

But the op only even knows it happened because her son trusted her enough to be open about it.
Punishing him will only ensure that he makes sure she doesn't find out in future. Speaking to him about the real life dangers in what he did MAY encourage him to choose more wisely in future.
God knows how some young adults are able to make good decisions for themselves if they go straight to from living at home and being in trouble with mummy to having to completely navigate the world alone!

We don't know that he was open about it because he trusted her. Maybe he was spotted by someone who knows the OP/family?

Turns out they went out and about at 2am. DS is getting very annoyed when I ask where, for how long, what did they do.

That ^^ is what rings alarm bells for me. If the OP doesn't come down hard on that sort of attitude while he's only 13, she'll stand no chance in a couple of years imo.

I live in an area where anti-social behavior is rife. There are kids as young as 12-16 regularly being arrested for riding stolen mopeds around town in the early hours of the morning.

The question (in local FB groups) is always "Where the hell did the parents think they were?" and the answer is often, "Well what do you expect me to do? I can't lock him in his bedroom. He keeps sneaking out at night". Or "His friends are a bad influence, but I can't stop him hanging about with them".

I'm not saying this is guaranteed to happen with the OP's son, but what I am saying is he's displaying a worrying attitude by getting 'very annoyed' at being questioned by his parent.

And I think Pengggwn's posts are spot on.

Whereas if he's punished he definitely won't do anything he shouldn't again? Is that your logic?
It really depends whether you want to teach him not to do unsafe things because they're not safe or whether you want to teach him he can do them as long as he doesn't get caught.

Thanks folks. I haven't given him the impression that I'm proud of him for telling me. I said I was glad he told me and that I don't want him to ever feel that he can't tell me stuff, but that this is not ok for the aforementioned reasons. But of course he's invincible - like I once was.

There won't be any sleepovers for the foreseeable - they're few and far between anyway, so that won't be hard. And whenever the topic of sleepovers next comes up, I'll tell him quietly and calmly why we're not doing it.

Whereas if he's punished he definitely won't do anything he shouldn't again? Is that your logic?

That's just silly. Of course there's no guarantee he won't do anything he shouldn't again.

But that's no reason not to hand him a stiff consequence. Right now, there has been none at all.

In fact, he hasn't even had to explain himself because apparently that just annoys him.

Well if you call explaining danger and the potential and real life consequences of his actions nothing then the op has done nothing I suppose.

Fuck me, he's THIRTEEN.

Does the OP also need to explain that scissors are sharp?

Of course she's done nothing, because there have been no consequences, due to him being 'very annoyed' at the OP daring to question him, I expect.

And 13 year olds do unthinking and impulsive things. And yes sometimes they may need the consequences of their actions explaining.
While they know that scissors are sharp it's entirely possible that they wouldn't know that drunk adults are likely to be roaming the streets at that hour for eg. Not the same thing.

So at what age do you stop punishing kids and start having adult conversations about the choices they make? 13? 15? If your 17yr old is doing something unwise do they get the naughty step as well? Or do you just chuck them out and expect them to be able to suddenly behave without parental punishments to keep them in line?