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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

WIBU to have just left?

30 replies

Pickleypickles · 07/12/2017 12:33

Hello mumsnet I just wanted some opinions before the inevitable argument later.

Basically my best friend wanted me to go to hers today to help with her banking app because she has blocked her self out of it and it and is a bit rubbish with technology. She lives 10 miles away and im a single mum on a budget it costs just under £5 for me to do the round trip but she refuses to come here because she hates busses and point blank refuses to get on one and doesnt drive (she is in her 50s!)

Anyway i said i would go today the conversation went like this
Me:"Ive got an appointment and 10 and i need to go asda for christmas lights so ill come after that"
Her:"ok yeah ive got the docs at 9.30 and then im in all day"

So i got there about 11 (before asda tbf) she wasnt in. She doesnt have a mobile either. So of i go to asda potter round taking my time go back to hers for 11.45. Still not in. Sit outside for ten minutes then said fuck it and came home.

Dd is only 9 months old and it was nearly dinner time which obviously i cant heat in the car not to mention its freezing and ive got bettter things to be doing than sit otside someones house with no way of knowing where they are or how long they will be.

This isnt the first time friend has done stuff like this but it always gets turned on me, she stays stuff like "you know what im like pickles" and "well if im not there im not there what do you want me to do?" in a dead snappy way, but then still sees her arse that she hasnt seen me to do whatever i was going to do for her and that she hasnt seen my baby Hmm like i maliciously planned to arrive when she wasnt there.

So seen as we never arranged a time as such should i have waited longer? Or would you do the same? If you would also leave what wohld you say to friend when she kicks off later about it?

(Friend suffers from depression and anxiety and blames everything on them and thinks she can do what she lile and if you have a problem you arent understanding of her illnesses, which i most definately am, i just dont think its an excuse to treat friends like shit)

OP posts:
Original poster
Pickleypickles · 07/12/2017 12:33

Oh wow that was long for a very rubbish story. My apologies Grin

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 07/12/2017 12:35

Why on earth is she your friend? And why would you travel all that way to help her when she should be the one to come to you? You have a young baby and not much money, but she wants you to spend it on travelling to her house and then she isn't in? You need to find your fighting spirit, OP!

BarbarianMum · 07/12/2017 12:36

Learn to say "no". Your life will be better.

ijustwannadance · 07/12/2017 12:39

I would've left too. Tell her to go into her local branch of her bank and they will go through it with her, assuming she will need new password or log in details.

Insomnibrat · 07/12/2017 12:40

I suffer from anxiety and clinical depression and I'm not an inconsiderate, using twat. Wink

(In fact my anxiety makes me extra sure to be there if I've arranged for someone to come round)

Original poster
Pickleypickles · 07/12/2017 12:40

I know im a big mug but when someone is upset that they cant do it themselves and no one will help them and other than its a PITA i have no reason not to help i feel like an arse refusing.

OP posts:
Gaagaa · 07/12/2017 12:41

Pickles she is out of order, which you know

I have a couple of friends with a tendency to be flaky around times etc- I never rely on them to do what they say organisation wise and only arrange stuff that will work for me if they don't show! (Eg meet somewhere I am going anyway, arrange a group thing etc)

It also sounds like she thrives on emotion/drama (perhaps even expecting, staging this) so the healthiest thing to do is just not feed into that at all- keep your responses as calm and to the fact as poss. 'I tried twice and your were not in so came home'. Let her do the running if she wants to see you

TalkinBoutWhat · 07/12/2017 12:43

I bet other people would be perfectly willing to help her if she showed some willingness to go to them, and didn't expect everyone to be at her beck and call.

Stop letting her treat you like this!

PuppyMonkey · 07/12/2017 12:43

You tried, she wasn't there, you came home. Ignore any moans and leave it to her to make arrangements to come to you to sort out HER problem. Although I hope she hasn't had bad news at the doctor or something?

BarbarianMum · 07/12/2017 12:45

But if she was so upset then why wasn't she in? Or willing to travel to you? Clearly she wasn't actually that bothered.

And yes, if you treat people badly then do tend to become less willing to help. You need to seriously start prioritising yorself an your dd here OP. That's £5 less you now have for the things you need.

Tinselistacky · 07/12/2017 12:46

Next chance you get, text her say you feel rough and can she come over to watch dd while you have a nap. ...
Her reply will reinforce to you that she isn't really your friend ...
Then drop her and move on.
Make 2018 the year you make proper friends.

Original poster
Pickleypickles · 07/12/2017 12:46

No bad news at docs (i know what it was for and cant see how bad news could of been involved)
Thanks mumsnet i thoight IANBU but need it confirming from people who know neither of us Smile

OP posts:
WineAndTiramisu · 07/12/2017 12:48

YADNBU

SlartyFarkBarstard · 07/12/2017 12:53

Just block her she’s a taking the piss out of you.

KatharinaRosalie · 07/12/2017 12:54

She's no friend and you should stop being a pushover.

  • she needs something, she travels, when it's convenient for you
  • What can she do when she's not there - she should be there as agreed
  • you know what I'm like - yes a rude CF
expatinscotland · 07/12/2017 12:55

YANBU.

FizzyGreenWater · 07/12/2017 12:58

Well done.

If she starts I would honestly put the phone down and then text:

'I spent money and time to come and do you a FAVOUR and you couldn't even bother to be there. Worse thing is, I KNEW you'd get in touch and have the cheek to be the one kicking off. I don't like one way friendships and I don't like being treated like shit. Don't bother replying.'

MonumentalAlabaster · 07/12/2017 12:59

If she wants your help she should come to you.

Jaxhog · 07/12/2017 13:00

I wouldn't have gone there at all, so anything you did was reasonable. If she wants help, she comes to you. At your convenience. End of.

DJBaggySmalls · 07/12/2017 13:01

She's out of order. I've been in the same position, and the one time I needed help she was nowhere. Do yourself a favour and learn to be nice to yourself; learn to say No.

You cant afford 'friends' like this. When it gets to the point where she is taking money from you that you need for you and your kids, you must learn to say no. Find your inner mother tiger!

OhNoOhNo · 07/12/2017 13:03

She needs to call her bank when she locks herself out of the app. It's annoying sorting your own let alone other people's

I would refuse to help her unless she comes to you.

And if you do ever visit her, try her landline and if she doesn't answer, don't bother going over.

Ghostontoast · 07/12/2017 13:05

I would add to what fizzy wrote

“... DD is too young to be kept out in the cold and it mucked up her feeding schedule too.

LemonShark · 07/12/2017 13:06

She's a user. And she's showing you it loud and clear. Why are you friends with her?

Why the fuck did she want you to go help her with a banking app, you're not Natwest customer services? What could you do that she couldn't?

She 'doesn't like' buses; okay, not many people love them. But she sure expects you to use them. With a kid in tow. At your own expense. But to not have the decency to be home and then not even apologise but get mad at you is ridiculous, I'd cool a friendship like that off pretty sharpish.

If a friend came to me at their expense to help me out I'd be thanking them, home to see them, with a nice hot drink or a meal to show my gratitude. She treats you like absolute shit cos she knows she can get away with it.

I have clinical depression. It affects everyone differently but it doesn't make someone into a cunt if they're not one already.

If you want to give her one last chance you should message her, and say 'I was willing to come and help you out yesterday cos you're a friend and I care about you, but you massively disrespected me by not being home, not letting me know and then acting like I did something wrong. I expect an apology if we're going to move past this' and see what she says. If she replies admitting she acted terribly and apologising then perhaps calling her out on her behaviour (which most people probably don't do, they just stop talking to her) will help her realise how she comes across and she'll stop doing it in the future. But if she replies defensively or with anything other than an apology and recognition of her actions you can shut the door feeling satisfied you did everything you could and that it's her actions that have ended the friendship, despite giving her the benefit of the doubt.

It's hard to believe this isn't a reverse, she's that out of order!

NotQuitePerfect · 07/12/2017 13:25

Send the text suggested by FizzyGreenWater

Then please, please have no further contact. She is not your ‘friend’.

I speak from experience. For years I had “please wipe your feet”
tattooed on my forehead. Not any more Wink

Don’t leave it until you’re in your 50’s, like I did, please Pickleypickles

DistanceCall · 07/12/2017 13:27

You're allowing yourself to be treated as a doormat. Stop it.