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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to worry about this girl?

40 replies

LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 20/11/2017 21:14

I picked DD up from school today as she had stayed late for a club. She usually gets the bus, I have not picked up before. A new friend was waiting with her and was walking home so I offered her a lift.
The friend said it wasn't far, but it will have taken her a good 40 mins to walk home on her own in the dark. This girl is 11, in year 7.

What was worse was when she told me where she lived. Her mum has recently moved in with a boyfriend. The boyfriend lives with his father.

I have been in this house in a professional capacity. It is truly awful, dirty and chaotic. The father of the boyfriend is nice enough but not well and not particularly bright. His son is frankly horrible. I suspect he is financially abusing his father. He is odd, rude and the way I have seen him behave in this house is awful. I shudder at the thought of a lovely young girl living in this house.

It's fairly obvious they are desperately poor. DD tells me this girl has no breakfast, takes a single sandwich for lunch and never goes in the school canteen because she can't buy anything.

I can't stop thinking of this girl. I have put extra fruit and snacks in DDs lunch for her to share. I know I can't change this girl's situation but I wonder if I should share concerns with the school? It can't possibly be a good home environment from what I know about it.

Mumsnet - WWYD?

OP posts:
JustaBasicBitch · 20/11/2017 21:20

If her and your daughter are friends could you have her over to tea? See if she seems unhappy and make sure she has A good meal?

Dragongirl10 · 20/11/2017 21:20

Oh op, how horrible poor girl, not sure what is the best course of action but l would but definately let the school know.

I would also let SS know, as to let an 11 yr old walk 40 minutes home from school in the dark is very risky, quite aside from the state of the home and the people she is living with........

Can you manage to send DD with double the amount of food for a while?

Gindrinker43 · 20/11/2017 21:23

If you have been in the house in a professional capacity and have seen enough to be concerned then you have a duty to report it as a safeguarding concern.
With luck the school and childrens' services are already aware.

MrsWhirly · 20/11/2017 21:23

Sending in food for her is a great start, but if you have concerned you have to raise them with SS so she can be safeguarded if this is needed or her mother supported.

Awwlookatmybabyspider · 20/11/2017 21:24

If youre at all worried then absolutely you need to speak to the school.

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/11/2017 21:26

SS would possibly put her in care. Would that REALLY be better than her current situation?

OP...tell DD to bring her for tea as often as possible.

I had a friend like this and by the age of 15 she had all but moved in with us...my Mum and Dad just absorbed her into the household unoffically.

I know that's not always possible but a refuge can save kids.

shakeyourcaboose · 20/11/2017 21:26

Absolutely raise your concerns

GrowThroughWhatYouGoThrough · 20/11/2017 21:29

Have you reported your concerns to your employer? It sounds like a case for safeguarding and I would also report to the School. Even if nothing comes of you reporting it will be recorded which could help this girl in the long run.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 20/11/2017 21:33

I would definitely befriend her and have her over a few times and get a better assessment discreetly

Also should she not be in free school meals

You are a good person to put extra food in for her

expatmigrant · 20/11/2017 21:34

I'm with MrsOver on this one. My family did a similar thing with a friend of mine who subsequently with our support passed her exams and went to university. In addition, I would still raise your concern with form tutor and head of pastoral at school.

SleepingStandingUp · 20/11/2017 21:38

Please speak to your boss / school / SS.

BeerBaby · 20/11/2017 21:39

Definitely inform social services and the school! Extra food is good and definitely try to get you DD to invite her for her tea/sleepover.

Please remember you can't be responsible for this girl but you can certainly help her see what a good home is like and give her faith in others!

She should not be exposed to this man and your professional opinion is really valuable.

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/11/2017 21:41

Expat (I'm also an expat!) My friend also did very well and now heads a department in a very posh hospital. Grin My Mum and Dad loved her and she them...her house wasn't as chaotic as the OP's DD"s friends but it was a cold, sad place and her emotional and physical needs weren't met.

LoniceraJaponica · 20/11/2017 21:41

Would this girl not be entitled to free school meals?

BeerBaby · 20/11/2017 21:42

Ss unlikely to put her in care but are likely to visit the house. Assess the situation and look into the boyfriends background. Hopefully he's got a record as long as his arm so SS can inform mum her DD isn't to live or have contact with the family.

Your doing mum and dd a favour by reporting.

MrsOverTheRoad · 20/11/2017 21:43

Japonica only if her parents actually applied for them.

Original poster
LurpakIsTheOnlyButter · 20/11/2017 21:45

I will go in and speak to the form tutor.
I don't think I can raise concerns via work as I am not involved with this family any more.
This probably sounds awful but I am reluctant to invite the girl here for a few reasons, I don't want her mum or the boyfriend to know where I live, I don't want them in my home. I don't know the mum but can assume she is a poor judge of character based on her choice of partner. Out house is like Buckingham Palace in comparison to this girl's home, I don't want to make her feel she is worth less than DD or drive a wedge between them because she doesn't have what DD has. That's not a stealth boast at all, we are not wealthy but we are comfortable. I need to think of ways to encourage their friendship without any involvement with the family.

OP posts:
YouCantArgueWithStupid · 20/11/2017 21:49

I wouldn’t approach the school as could it be what you’ve seen in a professional capacity isn’t yours to share with other agencies IYSWIM? But definitely raise it as a Safeguarding issue with SS.

Wellandtrulyoutnumbered · 20/11/2017 21:51

FFS you should know what to do. Safeguarding. Discuss in supervision and refer.

Blackcatonthesofa · 20/11/2017 21:55

I remember as a teenager a guy in our friend group who didn't get enough to eat. He was pretty secretive about it but some of us guessed anyway or saw evidence of this. One of our other friends was this tall skinny teenager who ate half a loaf of sandwiches everyday for years. You know the type, eats and eats and never goes fat or is satisfied. All of a sudden he came to school with a whole loaf of sandwiches instead of a half, complained that his mum made him too much again and gave half to our starving friend. He did this every single day for the last two years till his graduation. It's a pity I don't remember his name because he was a hero in my eyes!

Give your daughter two full lunches to share. And call SS. It's so sad when a vulnerable child is in a bad situation.

Imalloutofoptions · 20/11/2017 21:58

If you speak to the school, will you be breaching any confidentiality agreements with your work? They may ask why you are concerned and how you know what you know? I would call SS anonymously. I think it's unlikely they'll just take her into care! But they may investigate and support where necessary. You're lovely to pack extras for her, whatever you decide to do I hope things work out well for this little girl.

TroelsLovesSquinkies · 20/11/2017 22:03

If you visit homes like this in a professional capacity, then aren't you still obliged to report this even if they aren't part of your caseload.
I'm unsure of the rules here in UK.
When I was a Nurse abroad I was supposed to report any safeguarding issues even if it was not part of my work it was part of my training and my responsibility.
Please get this child some help.

TatianaLarina · 20/11/2017 22:03

I too wondered about free school meals. I think you should flag it with SS when you contact them.

I appreciate your concerns about the family but your home could be a haven for her. I know other people’s houses were for me when I didn’t get on with my mum, and I didn’t live in a shithole. I don’t think she’ll feel any worse about her own circumstance than she already does.

GerrytheBerry · 20/11/2017 22:06

Awww bless you I would be worried just as you are. I would probably myself have her over for tea and let her know that she's welcome to stay whenever.
I hate to see situations like this because it's hard to just ignore.

Wellfuckmeinbothears · 20/11/2017 22:07

It’s really lovely how concerned you are for this girl OP. I’m trying to understand what you mean about not wanting her in your home or her family by association but frankly, even knowing what you know, I would want to invite her for tea as much as I could. If things are bad at her home as you say then I can’t see her being anything but grateful for your hospitality, not woefully comparing belongings etc.

But please do raise concerns with her form tutor, she may not feel able to speak up for herself.