To stop bothering with friend

[inpainandgrumpy]

Getting a bit offended now that so-called “friend” keeps leaving whatsapp groups where I’ve suggested meeting up with no thanks but no thanks or any other comment? I mean either I’m suggesting she come because I think she’d want to (that’s nice, right?) or because I’d like to see her (actually yes, I’ve been having a rough time lately and could do with friends). Either way some sort of response would be nice. AIBU because I’m feeling low atm so taking things to heart (am I now “that” needy friend??) or is she being a bit rude and taking me for granted? I can’t think of any reason she’d be “off” with me - no fallings out!

How did she get into the WhatsApp group in the first place? Did you add her and lots of other people? If so that's a really irritating way to receive an invitation and I see lots of people leave without comment. Otherwise you have to watch all the random comments of others, and anything you say will be read by all. Maybe change your approach?

Just small groups of 3-6 friends - mums from school who enjoy cuppas together etc. I get leaving if you can’t come/don’t want to come to something and not wanting to then hear Everton else’s plans etc, but at least leave a comment saying thanks but (insert reason or excuse!) then leave rather than just leave?

Are you one of those people who makes a new whatsapp group everytime theres a new night out or group meet up? She may just find that really annoying and wish you would text or ring her personally.

I don’t start groups just for the sake of it, but I do start them if I want to suggest doing something and add people I think might be interested (not masses, just a handful who all know and see each other regularly!). Makes it easier to agree dates/times that suit everyone rather than lots of to-ing and fro-ing about “oh no, sorry, Amanda can’t make that day, can you do the next?” Etc. Is that still annoying? As I say I’m at the point of wondering why I bother, so if this is a sign it’s irritating then I think that’s my answer!

I don't understand. Are you cross she doesn't give a reason? She doesn't have to. She doesn't have to meet up.
Maybe she has her own reasons for not feeling able to offer you support?
And yes. Setting up lots of groups is annoying!

No, just hurt I guess that I go to the effort of including her and she can’t be arsed to even acknowledge it. Of course she doesn’t have to come, but a “thanks but sorry can’t this time” isn’t too much to ask? Well I didn’t think so.

Why is it annoying to have lots of groups? What difference does it make?

I also think she probably has just had enough of the whatsapp groups, they are irritating! Maybe just text her personally

I would stop bothering, someone once told me to turn down invitations 3 times, to not expect a 4th. I am mindful of this when declining things! I wouldn't take it to heart, she clearly isn't someone to depend upon! Find someone more suited!!!

How much of an effort is it?
How often do you start groups anyway? If she's said no fifty times I can see why she isn't responding. If you include lots of people then it's hardly a personal invitation.

I find it annoying becayse your phone beeps everytime someone replies and the message only needs to be seen by the person organising it.e.g. my friends 30th party coming up and I keep getting a beep everytime one of her friends or family members replies with details of whether they are coming and why. I dont know most of these people.

Just try a different approach. I find group nights out a pressure. Perhaps text her to see how she is?

Thanks guys. No, not one of those massive group messages that I agree are v irritating when you keep getting beeped every time someone replies (btw if you swipe left this can be muted! I know! Lightbulb moment!)

As the pp said I think I’m just at that point where several invites have been declined (well no, not even that, just ignored! No, worse, seen but consciously walked away from!) so I’ll take the message and not bother next time.

I know a guy like this who just leaves the group without a word. Even when it's for a special occasion like a birthday dinner. I also find it really rude. I mean, we all get annoyed having to read loads of group messages but at least say "thanks but I can't make it" or "yes, I'll be there" before buggering off!

I'd stop adding her and organise plans without her. If she wonders why she's missing out, she's only got herself to blame.

Thanks Lady. Nice to hear someone else finds it rude too! I think I’m just feeling hurt too because it’s happened at a time when I could really do with friends around. As another pp said, probably time to forget about this one and stick with friends I can depend on more who are more suited!

"am I now “that” needy friend" Yes. Obviously.

You set up a group chat for an event; she says no thanks; presumably the rest of you go out and have a nice time- that should be it.

If you still hang out with this person occasionally anyway, then you are friends and it's OK for them not to come to every event.

If this is not someone you see/speak to/have a prior bond with, then you are not friends and she has no interest in pursuing a friendship.

"actually yes, I’ve been having a rough time lately and could do with friends"

That's different. If you want some support at the mo then you message real friends directly. You can't blame someone for not realising a casual request isn't just a casual request.

None of that means your feelings are wrong or unusual- we all get over sensitive when things are crap.

You haven't said how often you set up these groups. Maybe she finds it impersonal and irritating? Group things aren't really another getting support in a difficult time either are they?
Or she's just not that into you!

Here is a radical idea.

Try ringing her and TALKING to her!

Just invite her somewhere personally and see how that goes before cutting her off because she is won't stay in bloody whatsapp groups - have you even tried that? If you need support from friends etc then I would put speaking to your friends personally as a priority rather than setting up events

Pei right?!

You have no idea what's going on with her. I've had an incredibly hard time in the past and during those times I appeared fine on the surface but anything like this would have just been ignored. Don't give up on a friend without at least talking to her.

I find these groups irritating too and often leave. I would be really hurt though if someone ditched me as a friend just because I didn't like a relatively new way of arranging things. Can't you just text her and arrange to meet her separately?

Maybe she has her own problems and finds the group invites too much, maybe she is an introvert and finds group events too much to contemplate but is too embarrassed to say... Maybe she feels group invites are impersonal and you dont mind if she doesnt go/reply.. Maybe she is skint but doesn't want to say... If you care for her then ask or invite her out in person.

Perhaps it would be better to actually talk to her?

I had a friend who did this. I would always send out a reminder about nights out after they had been organised, i would then follow this up a few days before. this friend became unreliable so wouldn't be there when nights were initially organised but she would have got the message about 6 weeks and a week before, which she chose to ignore! Anyway bumped into her, reminded her that it would be lovely to see her as we all missed her ( i had considered her a very good friend) she said I never invited her, so I got the messages out to show that she had seen the messages at which point she started yelling at me saying she wasn't interested, I should get the hint as she outgrown the group. It was very humiliating as she did this in front off a lot of people. She did text me later and say she hoped things wouldn't be awkward if our paths crossed in the future, but she had made her point tbh. I would be wary about having a chat about someone ignoring messages again as it was so awful 😢