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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Punch on the nose - friendly??

39 replies

Sassenach85 · 12/11/2017 22:36

This is my first ever thread although I have been on mumsnet for years. My question is AIBU to be pissed off about this?

Started taking my DD age 4 to library, a big deal as she has suspected ASD and hates new places. Anyway the librarian there seemed nice but a bit over bearing. My DD doesn't like new people but we encourage her to try and talk her through it etc

The woman just doesn't stop pestering my DD and offering stickers and stuff, I know she means well and so we smile and try to be polite.

The things is, she keeps saying in a jokey way she will punch my DD in the nose 😳 I'm on the verge of saying wtf and then I don't. AIBU in thinking you can't say this to kids no matter how badly u want their attention or how bad your social skills are?

My little girl actually said no mummy I'm feeling shy! And hid. For her to articulate her feelings in that way is a big deal for her and it takes a lot for her to face new things.

Maybe this is a WWYD..... I don't know if it's a let that go the woman is trying.... or is it as rude and unnecessary as I think?

Goes a bit like:
Do you want a sticker?
Aw you can come and colour in?
No? Why don't I read u a book?

By which point my DD will say no thank you or mummy!!

And she goes oh ok how about a punch on the nose. 🤔

OP posts:
LuluGuinness · 12/11/2017 22:42

No advice, but that's a really bizarre thing to say to anyone, let alone a child :/

Original poster
Sassenach85 · 12/11/2017 22:50

Thanks for the reply though, I'm relieved to hear even one person who thinks it's bizarre tbh

She says it in a cutesy laugh but it fills me with rage and I open my mouth and then she's gone and I'm looking at DH like wtf! More so since it's every visit. I reckon she would say it to any child I don't think it's a vendetta or anything 😂

OP posts:
Ttbb · 12/11/2017 22:52

That's very strange. Who says that?

SpottyGecko · 12/11/2017 23:10

She sounds very annoying. Yanbu to be pissed off.

I'd, personally, try and avoid her and if she keeps asking questions answer with a smile "no, she's fine thanks" or a "no, thank you". Move away, disengage.

If she keeps it up, steely glare and very clipped answers.

If after several visits she still does it, I'd outright ask her why she's keeps offering these things when you've made it more than plain that you're not interested. Hopefully she'll then get the hint.

kissmethere · 12/11/2017 23:11

She must think "a punch on the nose" is comical thing??
Next time she says it just tell her "don't really like that phrase actually it sounds frightening to DD" if she dies it after that complain. Not exactly unreasonable.

kissmethere · 12/11/2017 23:12

Does it again...

FizzyGreenWater · 12/11/2017 23:34

'Sorry, do you mind giving her a bit of space? Thanks'

'Would you mind not saying that? She was quite bothered by it last time and kept mentioning it after we left. Thanks'

And be busy together as much as possible!

LostForNow · 12/11/2017 23:52

It's probably something some family member said to her as a child and she's picked it up as a normal thing. My dad had all kinds of odd sayings that his dad used to say.

I'd just have a word and say DD is shy and please give her some space as she gets uncomfortable with strangers talking to her.

Kitsandkids · 13/11/2017 00:22

I've had random people say that kind of thing to my foster kids. It is a bit bizarre. My boys take things quite literally so when someone says that kind of thing they think they mean it. Just today my baby was crying (nothing to do with the boys) and a woman my 8 year old has never met before came up to him and said, 'what are you doing to that baby? Did you nip her?!' I knew she was joking but he didn't and got a bit cross!

DullAndOld · 13/11/2017 00:29

yes there was an old teacher at my kids primary school who would say something similar to the children, it was bizarre.
Give her a hard stare and say 'would you mind not saying that please'.

WellThisIsShit · 13/11/2017 00:32

“Can you give my child some space please?”

And

“I’m sure you don’t mean it but that phrase is quite threatening, it’s scaring my dd, please stop”

blanklook · 13/11/2017 01:29

The woman just doesn't stop pestering my DD and offering stickers and stuff, I know she means well and so we smile and try to be polite

If your DD has ASD or any communication difficulties, this is one of the worst ways to communicate that anyone could do. The woman is - in your dd's understanding - overwhelming her with choices she can't make because she doesn't yet know and then threatening her with a punch on the nose.

Step straight in and say " I know you mean well, but my daughter needs time and space to understand what you're saying. Would you please ask her one question and then stop and wait for her response.
Also she is very literal in her interpretation so she finds your 'punch on the nose' comments very intimidating so could you please stop."

MiraiDevant · 13/11/2017 01:33

Ask for space by all means, your child is uncomfortable and you find the woman annoying.

The phrase was fairly common when I was a kid. Not threatening - just fun:

"Would you like???"
"No thank you"
"No???? (Mock surprise), how about a punch on the nose?"
Child collapses in giggles!

We used to say stuff with my kids all the time. They knew it was in fun. ("Shall I put you in the bin?" Shrieks and giggles "No Mummy, no!!") Context and tone.

blanklook · 13/11/2017 01:46

Context and tone

Not for a child with ASD/suspected ASD or communication difficulties. They are very literal in their understanding so short pertinent sentences are essential otherwise they cannot understand and become frustrated.

berliozwooler · 13/11/2017 01:52

I think you should take the librarian to one side and have a little chat.

DullAndOld · 13/11/2017 01:57

Miral, tbh you saying that to your children as a joke is quite a different thing. I honestly think that strangers, adults in positions of 'authority' saying things like this to small children is abusive, said in such a 'funny' way that if you object to it, you are probably a 'snowflake' etc etc.

Cavender · 13/11/2017 02:04

Mirai Your Mum or Dad making a joke about something like that is entirely different from a complete stranger saying the same thing.

Sassenach just politely say “I realise it’s a joke but please stop offering to punch DD, she doesn’t find it funny”

Pretenditsaplan · 13/11/2017 02:19

Ice never come across this satong i think id ask "are you honestly threatening my child because they dont want to interact with you because your too full on?" And rhen speak to a supervisor. At that age my sob was very literal. He worried for a week that the postman would steal his nose if he wasnt there to meet him after a throwaway comment. Once i explained ( i wasnt there when it happened originally) the postie was much better and brought him stamps and things instead and called him his little helper

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 13/11/2017 02:29

My response would be, the only one getting a punch on the nose will be you lady, if you don't leave us the fuck alone Grin

Original poster
Sassenach85 · 13/11/2017 06:25

Thanks for all of the replies.

I think because we are at the point where we have no diagnosis of anything yet I'm wary of what I'm saying, even to family members. I think people automatically assume I'm being a bit PFB about stuff...

She also is sonintune with what's going on and my own emotions that we are so aware of keeping things calm and light for her so I think the idea to take the woman aside is the best.

I'm so glad to hear it's not just me that finds this "wrong", I suspect I have a touch of ASD and often doubt whether I have the "normal" response to some social situations.

Thanks again everyone. We need to return books soon so I will be ready for her 😂

OP posts:
BhajiAllTheWay · 13/11/2017 06:37

Think I'd be saying to my DD " would you like to punch the lady on the nose"...

Original poster
Sassenach85 · 13/11/2017 06:41

😂 I feel like saying that!

Thing is my wee girl takes things so literally and we are putting in loads of effort just now pointing out acceptable and unacceptable behaviours.

TBH I am also going to be raging if she ever comes out with it - imagine her saying that at nursery! Nobody in my DD's close circle would speak like that.

OP posts:
Betsy86 · 13/11/2017 06:43

Can you stop going on and on at my child before i punch you in your nose... thanks hun Biscuit

That’s probably what i would say hence i shouldnt be outbin public take no advice from me and follow one of the more sensible suggestions... Grin

picklemepopcorn · 13/11/2017 07:00

Stop being polite and start be8ng shocked. Not in a nasty way, but pretend you are very literal yourself.

What? What do you mean, a punch on the nose?! What an awful thing to say!

Or if your acting isn’t up to that, try 'no thank you, she doesn’t want stickers, or a book, and she doesn’t want a punch on the nose either. We'll go over here where it is nice and quiet.'

Original poster
Sassenach85 · 13/11/2017 07:10

It has kind of been drummed into me by my mother that I need to "lighten up" and over react to certain situations. So I always have that hesitancy before I speak out, however, yes I do need to address this next time we visit.

I think I had already decided that I just wasn't sure if I was right in doing so, if that makes sense. The last time it happened I shot a look at DH like, wtf?!? I'm saying something! And he shot me a look back that said let it go. He was right to stop me as I think the PP suggestion to take her aside rather than shoot her down infront of DD is the best idea. I feel like I want to schedule a trip to the library now and get it out of my system 😂

OP posts: