To ask David Attenborough to be my birthing partner

[Belleende]

DP can be there as well, but I just think nothing could go wrong if Sir D was in there. I would just be sooooo calm. How much do you reckon he would charge?

He'd narrate it really well, wouldn't he?

You'd probably have to put up with a camera crew hiding in a camouflaged tent in the corner though!

That's a great idea - which end would you want him at though?

I would also like him to sit next to me on a flight and narrate it for me. It would calm me right down.

I wouldn't because he may inadvertently end up getting a thump and that would be terrible

Well one of my mottoes is "Don't ask, don't get" - so go for it! What have you got to lose? Go on, I dare you!

According to this conspiracy theory, he is actually God so an excellent choice

Maybe I could set up a crowd funding page. Don't have long to go though.

It's all natural so he could roam where he wanted. I would definitely feel more comfortable with him looking at me nether regions than a bunch of people I haven't spent 30 years watching on telly.

Monty Don would have been mine. I had an audio book of his when I was suffering from severe morning sickness and my baby calms right down now when Gardeners World is on the tv!

Great idea. He’d probably enjoy it too, obligatory narration.

The narration would be great

"As we can see the gentle creature Belleende has moved to the birthing area for the final stages of her delivery of the calf. The dominant male is present, but keeping a respectful distance from the delivery end. Other members of the wider family are in a separate room ready to be summoned once the calf arrives. Although the mother appears distressed, the shout to the dominant male of "if you say relax one more time I'll break your fucking neck' is purely a show of her affection."

I'm just watching his Micro Monsters programme on Sky Atlantic.

One monster is a little jewelled wasp that uses its venom to incapacitate its prey's (cockroach) front legs and then more venom into its brain to make it docile. She then hides the roach in burrow and lays her egg on him. Her larvae then knows to suck the roach's juices first and then move onto the flesh, but to avoid the nervous and breathing systems. The larvae comes out as a lovely jewelled wasp 10 days later

Nothing would shock Sir David after that.

Bwahahahaha I have coffee coming out my nose!

Monty Don would have been mine.

I'd like Monty Don to be present at conception, taking a very active role.

I'm more than a little in lust with him.

I think I would have wanted Art Malik there in his Holby anaesthesiologist get up. Or James Caan off Dragons den.

"and there we have the human fanjo stretched to its limits....."

Are you a Grizzly Back's mate? You might be more in with a chance if so.

There is the risk that your fanjo will appear on bbc1 at 9pm on a Sunday though.

Ah but Bike wardrobe and make up will have attended to it first!

I think I'd have wanted David Attenborough and Morgan Freeman talking me through things. Their voices make me feel all relaxed and calm.

I'm not sure you'd really want your delivery broadcast on BBC though, especially in HD.

I'm not sure that the depths of the ocean would be a good place for a water birth.

“now the calving is over and the calf has been wrapped in a towel and had a hat plonked over its sparse hair, the exhausted mother can get down to the important task of working her way through 30 rounds of buttered toast and a pot of tea. For the moment the calf is calm, the new parents lulled into a false sense of security, not realising that as soon as the midwife leaves, the calf will shriek dramatically and often quite unreasonably, for majority of the next 3 years. Such is the human infant.”

I have plenty of thick undergrowth for him to hack his way through.
Not sure I would have Morgan Freeman. A bit too reminiscent of the sewer scene from Shawshank redemption, perhaps a bit too close to home.

Yanbu, he would be a very soothing presence.
Other soothing voices could be Morgan freeman, benedict cumberbatch, Stephen fry. Sadly terry wogan and Alan Rickman are no longer available.

I was hoping for a birth plan that went somewhat like a David A. narrated nature film what I got was Bear Grylls combined with Survivor episode.

Did you drink your own piss then?