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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Resenting DH over Friendship..

31 replies

BananaPancakes4 · 10/11/2017 21:45

Aibu to be feeling really down tonight & also really resentful towards DH too.

DH & I had a very close friendship with another couple who we saw regularly for meals out, events or even just evenings at each other's houses. This friendship lasted over 4 years.

At the start of this year DH and the male friend from the above mentioned couple had a bad falling out and DH has said he won't ever forgive him nor go back to being friends again..
& apart from the odd 'hope you're both keeping well' message from either myself or else the female friend to each other we haven't seen or spoken properly due to our DHs falling out. (As this causes agruements within my marriage)

& tonight I really miss her.. I've tried talking to DH about making up with 'X' (as X is ready to move on ans forget about it and enjoy being friends again) but DH has none of it and completely shuts me down and doesn't seem to understand why I'd want to be their friend anymore..

Am I really being unfair to resent him for wrecking a good friendship that I had with my friends?

OP posts:
pangolina · 10/11/2017 21:46

Why did they fall out?

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2017 21:49

You're not unreasonable to feel down about it, but much depends on context- why they fell out. It's impossible to say if your DH is being an arse or not without that, unfortunately.

Flowers I'm sorry you feel down.

KeepItAsItIs · 10/11/2017 21:57

Do you not know what it was about? I'd find it odd if my DH wouldn't tell me what it was over. Men don't usually fall out like this so it must have been something big.

Surely you and the wife can still be friends though. Just because the men won't talk, doesn't mean you can't still be friends with her, it just means no more group outings.

scottishdiem · 10/11/2017 21:57

He doesnt need to be friends with him. Be he absolutely cannot tell you not to be friends with her. Call her, arrange to meet for a coffee and catch up.

If he objects he is being a very controlling wanker.

Original poster
BananaPancakes4 · 10/11/2017 22:00

Our male friend wasn't too well mentally at the time and he made a few comments towards me that weren't appropriate as we are both married..
But I knew straight away he wasn't at himself as hed never acted that way before or acted on any of the things he wrote/said inappropriately towards me. Plus wed been friends for years and this all come out of the blue..
DH was rightfully furious at the time.. but has since heard our friend wasn't well and still won't forgive and forget..

OP posts:
gamerchick · 10/11/2017 22:01

I wouldn’t stop being friends with her just because the men had fallen out. But it depends on why they fell out. Like did he try it on with you or said he fancied a swap or something.

Nomoretears56 · 10/11/2017 22:01

I remember feeling very sad when I fell out with a male friend and his wife blanked me, but such is life, I just think to myself that they have missed out on a loyal loving friend and it's their loss

NoSquirrels · 10/11/2017 22:04

Hmm. I see why your DH won't forgive & forget, honestly, and I think you might be expecting too much.

Be friends with the female half of the couple, and accept you can't socialise with them as a pair any more. You can still go out as the 2 of you women to the pub/cinema/coffee/meals etc. If your DH objected to that he would be unreasonable.

Original poster
BananaPancakes4 · 10/11/2017 22:05

Unfortunately DH makes life very awkward if I want to meet up or message her, he uses lines like 'I really just want to see X for he gave me lots of attention' when this isnt the case at all..

He has a lot of insecurity feelings (he has always been this way) we've been together 9yrs and have 2 DC

OP posts:
KeepItAsItIs · 10/11/2017 22:18

Carry on and see her. Your DH has no say in this. Who cares if he tries to make it awkward.

I admit I'm confused as to how some temporary MH issues caused him to say inappropriate things to you. What did his DW think about that?

MammaTJ · 10/11/2017 23:06

I think I would struggle to stay with someone who had so little understanding and sympathy for someone struggling with mental health, who had been a friend for years. I certainly would not prioritise their feelings over my need to see a friend who had done nothing wrong.

deepestdarkestperu · 10/11/2017 23:08

No way would my husband be telling me who I can/can’t be friends with.

Why can’t you see your friend on her own? Why does her husband even have to be involved in any of it?

runners656 · 11/11/2017 00:00

very easy for x to want to move on when hes in the wrong classic bully tactic

NoSquirrels · 11/11/2017 08:19

Unfortunately DH makes life very awkward if I want to meet up or message her, he uses lines like 'I really just want to see X for he gave me lots of attention' when this isnt the case at all.

I'd hate to be with someone like this. However, if you accept that's how he is then you need to establish your own boundaries.

So I would stop telling him you're messaging her (why does he need to know?) and if you want to go out with her, just tell him that's what's happening. If/when he kicks off, tell him firmly but calmly that you're respecting his feelings by no longer being friends with or seeing her DP, but that you want to maintain your friendship with your female friend so he should respect you about that in return.

Bruceishavingfish · 11/11/2017 08:23

Your dh has no right to say you cant be friends with her.

But he is under no obligation to be friends with him. I would also get if he is uncomfortable with you being around the male in the situation.

bastardkitty · 11/11/2017 08:23

Why was he 'rightfully furious'? Does he see you as his property? Does he normally accuse you of having nasty or underhand intentIons? I get a feeling this might be the tip of the iceberg.

Daddystepdaddy · 11/11/2017 08:29

I'd be very uncomfortable with maintaining a friendship with a man who made a pass at my DW tbh and I'd be uncomfortable with her wanting to maintain contact also. This isn't about seeing women as property but maintaining the commitment you have made to each other.

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2017 08:40

Ok, I’m not sure if you’re minimising or not.

I’m guessing you mean this man was flirting with you and doing so in front of your husband. Did he make a pass? Was he crude? It must have been fairly consistent and obvious if it’s come to this. You say he gave you lots of attention , did he?

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2017 08:52

Yes, I’d also say if the shoe was on the opposite foot, and the woman did whatever it was to your husband, and you have a big argument with her about it, how would you feel if he wanted to be her friend? How would you feel if he then decided you were the one who wrecked the relationship and resented you for it?

DB22 · 11/11/2017 08:52

Put yourself in your DHs shoes, would you feel OK if it was the woman who had tried it on with your DH? Sometimes I think certain actions will irrevocably effect a relationship. It's just the way it is. Maybe speak to your DH to see if anything can be done to change it.

Bluntness100 · 11/11/2017 08:53

And what sort of illness makes you do what the man did?

Daddystepdaddy · 11/11/2017 08:54

Bluntness100 it may be the same illness Harvey Weinstein is getting treatment for...

DB22 · 11/11/2017 08:58

I have just read your third message. Your DH cannot tell you who to be friends with and shouldn't be using bullying tactics. This isn't your fault. But I can see how he would find it difficult. You really need to untangle his feelings about it all. Something similar happened to us, except it was drink not MH. TBH, I feel uncomfortable around the man now so seeing less of each other suits me. DH hasn't completely written the friendship bit has cooled things. Some lines can't be crossed and people are complicated.

bastardkitty · 11/11/2017 08:58

Disinhibition, sexual or otherwise can be a symptom of some mental health problems. Who knows if that is relevant to this situation. Let's at least consider the possibility that OP may be correct before turning this into a thread about the former friend being a prolific sexual predator.

DB22 · 11/11/2017 09:00

TBH, you need to give more info about exactly what happened before we can judge.

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