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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Charity gift as a gift.. AIBU?

55 replies

KissesAX · 08/11/2017 23:18

I have been on th recieving end of one of those Oxfam gift aid things in the past. 'I've bought a man in Uganda a goat on your behalf.. Merry Christmas'. As a kid I enjoyed the novelty of it bu AIBU to be against them now?

I'd rather not receive a gift these days than to have someone give me a charity gift. I just think it's a bit awkward that they're gifting you but it's not for you. Surely if you want to be charitable, then do it without using someone else's gift as a demonstration? AIBU thinking like this?

OP posts:

nocoolnamesleft · 08/11/2017 23:42

It always feels a bit like the giver is saving money by making a charitable donation, but pretending they're also giving you a present, whilst also telling you what an amazing person they are, because charity.

If someone wants to give me a present by making a charitable contribution, they should at least ask me which charities I choose to support. Because a charity I support receiving extra money would be a gift to me. But a charity that they support, and I do not, receiving money that they may well have given anyway? Not so much.

Do good deeds by stealth, let not the left hand know what the right hand is doing.

AtSea1979 · 08/11/2017 23:45

This wouldn't bother me at all unless it was for a cause I didn't support such as cancer research when i'm in to animal rights etc.

WorraLiberty · 08/11/2017 23:45

YANBU. It's such a weird thing to do, I can't get my head around it.

Giving to charity is a personal and private choice imo. Unless the person has specifically asked you to do it on their behalf, you really shouldn't.

PavlovianLunge · 08/11/2017 23:46

I don’t like the expression ‘virtue signalling’, but it applies to this sort of fanfares gifting, I think. I don’t like it, but if the charity gets a donation, it’s at least doing some good.

AtSea1979 · 08/11/2017 23:49

Worra I'm with you on that one. I hate pushy sponsored events that friends do.

Imbroglio · 08/11/2017 23:51

I would love it.

Much better than something that will be headed to landfill by the end of January.

BackforGood · 09/11/2017 00:10

This is about 'knowing the recipient'.

I would love it, and feel it was MUCH better than giving me another candle / toiletry set / gadget / scarf I will never use, to sit in my cupboard until I get round to having a clearout. I quite like the idea of there being a goat or some chickens supporting someone in my name.

However, I know a lot of people that wouldn't.

lalliella · 09/11/2017 00:19

YANBU. Nobody should ever give a gift like this unless the recipient had asked for it. Basically they are giving away something the recipient should have as their own, in order to make themselves look good. It’s crap. Give your own money to charity by all means, not some money you’ve earmarked to someone else.

My pet hate is people who send round an email saying they’re not sending Christmas cards this year but giving money to charity. What they really mean is they can’t be arsed to write the cards and/or they’re too tight to buy them so they’ll be all smug and say they’re giving to charity. No! That Christmas card is mine! If I want the money it costs to go to charity I’ll tell you to do that. But I won’t, because if you want to give to charity and really feel good about it, give it from your own money, not some you’ve allocated to someone else!! Rant over!

Yarboosucks · 09/11/2017 00:28

if you would really prefer not to receive a gift at all rather than a charity gift, then I suppose YANBU.

However, it could be that the people who have bought these gifts for you have been assuming that you are an altruistic person and would appreciate a gift being given in your name to someone who needs it. But is seems that you may not be that person.

DeadDoorpost · 09/11/2017 00:38

My mum did this to me one year. 'Gifted' me a mango tree. I was 13. Never going to forget it as her reasoning was "you like mangoes so I thought you'd like the gift".
No! I'd much have preferred to have my own mango tree because I actually would have wanted to make sure i could look after a living plant. It would have been the perfect challenge for me. (Years later and I have a wonderful collection of plastic plants. Turns out I can't keep things alive so how I'm going to cope with my baby soon I'll never know)

On the other hand, if there's something I'm particularly strongly drawn to then I don't mind but usually I discuss it first. I once told my nan not to get me anything but to put the money towards a charity that would help abused women and/or men. She did, but still ignored me and got me a small something anyway as well.

ReggaetonLente · 09/11/2017 00:42

I love it. As a PP says, better than the endless stream of 'stuff' that'll end up in landfill.

thecatneuterer · 09/11/2017 01:28

I'd be very happy if it were for a cause I'm passionate about (animals/cats) and horrified and devastated if it were to buy a goat (I'm pretty sure that that goat won't have a happy future) or for any sort of medical research (animal testing).

Most small gifts are pointless and end up in landfill, and a donation to a cause that I care about would seem like a thoughtful thing and I'd be very happy with it. But a donation to a charity that is close to the giver's heart but not my own, or worse something like the ones mentioned above, would piss me off/upset me.

Elllicam · 09/11/2017 01:57

I think it would be preferable if the person giving the charity gift instead asked to receive a charity gift themselves. That way they have the warm and fuzzy feeling of giving to charity on their own present rather than giving someone else’s present to charity.

potatoscowls · 09/11/2017 02:42

yeah unless someone has specifically asked for a charity donation instead of a gift this is rude imo

LostPlatypus · 09/11/2017 03:57

If it was a local charity that I had expressed an interest in helping or been involved in myself or something, then I'd have no problem with a donation of money directly to them in place of a gift. However, if it was just a generic charity gift from Oxfam then I'd honestly not be too impressed so I think YANBU about those unless you've expressed a prior like for them.

As a family one year we got a charity goat gift instead of the usual treat hamper from one of my dad's brothers and his wife. It wasn't the charity part instead of food that our family were confused by, but my dad was treasurer for a local hospice at the time so a donation to them instead might have been a little bit more thoughtful.

LindaDeb · 09/11/2017 04:11

I think it's ultimately contextual. For Christmas, I think it's nice and, call me sentimental, but reminiscent of what the season should really be about. For a bigger or more personal occasion, such as an important birthday or anniversary, or celebration of a personal achievement such as graduation/retirement, and, god forbid, a wedding - then I'd probably share your feelings.

Take it as a compliment though - they presumably think of you as a generous person who would actually appreciate such a gesture. I've both received and gifted similar things, each time for an appropriate occasion. I'd never dream of giving something like that to certain people though, my son for starters!

Anyway, embrace it. As I said, see it as a compliment.

Imbroglio · 09/11/2017 06:47

Yes in my case I would consider it a compliment.

I have been known to give my kids an oxfam chicken in their stocking along with the usual stuff, as an 'extra' rather than a substitute.

DancesWithOtters · 09/11/2017 06:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

scaryteacher · 09/11/2017 07:00

My mil did this for the entire family, including the kids one year, as she'd been too busy being important to do any Christmas shopping. She couldn't work out why three kids and four adults were less than impressed!

noeffingidea · 09/11/2017 07:01

It's fine to donate to charity, but it's not actually a gift for another third party.
Just be honest and say 'I'm making a donation to a charity instead of giving you a present'. Because that's whats really happening.

londonrach · 09/11/2017 07:07

I hate it. Stupid idea. Its about the giver. We had somebody in our family who did it one year. Didnt do it again though as everyone bought her donkeys etc back. This year my family had clubbed together to buy us an important needed kitchen item as ours failed and we no money to replace it. Best xmas present ever. Cant believe people think presents go to landfill. Every present ive had has been needed. Without xmas id have no clothes. The same with everyone i know. Yanbu

DappledThings · 09/11/2017 07:08

With my family we do this instead of Xmas presents. So that's my parents, DH and me, my brother and SIL, 2 sets of aunts and uncles and 3 cousins. The cousins were never included until they turned 18 and got actual stuff before that and the next generation, my DS and nephew also get presents.

Crucially though we all agreed it years ago that we would do it this way, it wasn't imposed.

For someone like me who hates receiving presents and is utterly shit about buying them it's brilliant and a whole lot of money going to charity.

MaisyPops · 09/11/2017 07:09

lalliella
But some of us don't like the waste of Christmas cards.
People who get Christmas cards from me:

Family because I usually make them
Friends who I don't see much because we live far away

I don't like thr waste of doing cards for friends and colleagues you see regularly. We wish each other merry christmas when we see each other before Christmas (which is all that's in the card). So I use the money and put extra treats in the foodbank.

I don't email round but people know what I do. If thry get grumpy over it then I don't care.

greendale17 · 09/11/2017 07:16

It is better than something from the dreaded Boots 3 for 2 range

Imbroglio · 09/11/2017 07:17

This is by the by but I have just looked at the oxfam site and saw that they are selling £25 vouchers to tackle UK poverty.

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