To ask if you've ever messaged the OW..

[Confused20177]

Massively suspect that my OH cheated on me with his EXGF and up until now he has denied it. I have evidence of him calling her 4 times on the night he went AWOL and searched on his frequent locations (I know, I know) and it showed him being at her house until 11 the next day. In my heart of hearts I know he has but he is still denying it to this day. WIBU to message the OW and just ask for clarification or will I make myself look like a fool? I’m pretty sure I’m going to leave him anyway but he is so adamant nothing happened he makes me feel like I’m crazy for even thinking it so I feel like I need full confirmation from her. WWYD?

I doubt she'd admit it. She'd just hang up on you or tell you they just chatted all night. I think she'd only admit it if there was sufficient evidence like incriminating text messages discussing something sexual.
Definitely LTB if you feel like he can't be trusted. Don't put yourself through the anxiety of staying with someone who lies

I think you'll come across badly, she's unlikely to tell you the truth, and it sounds like the relationship is over anyway. I think you'd be best to move on to someone you can trust and be honest with.
It's a shitty situation but you are better off without him.

Ask him, not the OW. From what you've seen it sounds fairly conclusive anyway.

Confused

You wouldn't be unreasonable, but from what you've said, you already know what's gone on. Do you really need the OW to confirm it? I just can't see it making you feel any better.

I'm really sorry though, he sounds like an absolute arse, and you deserve to be treated so much better than this.

If she says that he wasn't there would you believe her anyway? If he was at her house until 11 in the morning what more evidence do you need?

I have asked the OW, she denied it but perhaps she will admit to you if something happened?

Can you tell him you know that he was at hers until 11 one day? Or will you be in trouble for snooping!

You'll look needy and stalkerish.

You know the answer. Retain the shred of dignity you do have and kick his sorry backside out. frankly it's the lies I couldnt put up with. Get shot, you'll never trust him again.

Oh my goodness, this is about as conclusive as evidence could be. He went AWOL, was at her house, has cams to her at that time - what more proof could there be that he WAS there and WAS with her. He’s already lied even just up to that point. LTB he’s not your “other half” he’s an arsehole and a cheat. I haven’t called the OW but I’ve accidentally been the other woman and got the call. I just apologised profusely, said truthfully that I’d been told the guy wasn’t in a relationship, and then obviously told the cheating pig to fuck off. There will be some, possibly like his ex gf who don’t mind being the OW or who genuinely believe the bullshit about how your bf is not in love with you, or you’re not really together, or whatever. Why would you want to continue in a relationship with this lying cheat? What’s the point?

I have messaged the OW and I wish I hadn't. She gave me the answers I was looking for (and already knew) but I still feel like it gave her some power over the situation and she was very smug about the whole thing.

You already know op
I don't see what contacting her will achieve.

What do you think he was doing at the OW's house? Playing scrabble?

You have all the answers you need already. Even if they didn't have sex (which they did, as well you know), the breach of trust is far too great for the relationship to continue.

Tell him it's over and take control of the situation.

No point. Don't ask her for information as you're just dragging it all out.

Might someone else know?
I had an ex who denied it, ow's best mate (also was my friend- now ex-friend) denied it. Eventually his sister accidentally blabbed it out in conversation. I was relieved, we'd just split up anyway but I just wanted confirmation.

he makes me feel like I’m crazy for even thinking it so I feel like I need full confirmation from her. WWYD? - You do not need his permission to end the relationship.

WWID? I'd leave. Once the trust is gone,. what more is there?

My sisters been the ow (without knowing it and denied it when the person contact her) as the man she was seeing gave her a load of abuse and threatened her if she didn't say it wasn't true. Also yes I have messaged the ow before and she was very hostile I wouldn't again.

Even if he didn't sleep with her, is going awol and staying with his exgf for those hours acceptable behaviour? No it isn't. You need to LTB and don't obsess over the details of what he did. He has already crossed the line of no return. You don't need to know how far. The details will eat you up. Ditch, dust off, move on. You deserve better

Thanks everyone. You’ve all confirmed what I knew. I’m going to LTB this evening. Prepared to feel like I’m a psycho because he will deny deny deny but I can’t carry on this way. I’ve done it for 3 months and it’s killing me. I won’t message her and I’ll keep myself from looking like an idiot by doing so, I just was hoping for a slither of hope

Oh OP I'm sorry you're going through this.

FWIW I agree with everyone else. Don't contact the OW. Nothing good will come of it. Only hurt and more lies.

Good luck tonight. Trust yourself. You're not a psycho

No, I never did. I was tempted but it wouldn't have been worth it - she would have lied anyway, probably after conferring with the cheating twat.

I messaged the OW. At first she denied it, but once H told her that I already knew anyway, she relented and answered my questions.

The danger is that you may well hear things that you don't want to hear. Not just a "yes" or a "no".

With hindsight, I wouldn't do it again. The evidence you have is already pretty conclusive I'm afraid. I would make your decisions based on that.

I'll never regret telling the OW's other half however. I did it at the time partly because I thought he deserved to know, and partly because I couldn't see why she should get away scot free when my life had been destroyed (she had no intention of telling him herself). I would do that again.

Someone isn't going to spend the night at their ex's and then lie about it if they just had a chat over a cup of tea. You have all the evidence you need

I was the OW contacted by a dw. It was my ex and he came to mine, he told me his wife had cheated on him, he was devastated etc. We got drunk and ended up shagging.

I saw them together a few weeks later, assumed they’d got back together, forgot all about it. It was about 2 years later that she knocked on my door and asked what happened that night, it had been playing on her mind all that time. Turns out they hadn’t split up, he’d told her he was at his brothers. I told her and they split up. She’s now one of my best mates.

Do you think OW is aware of you or do Oh think she is in on deception? If the latter then it may be more difficult to get an honest answer out of her. But equally if nothing’s going on she has no reason to hang up on you or anything.

What would you gain from contacting her? you know he's cheated on you. She’s not going to apologise and there’s nothing she could say to make you feel better. she's sleeping with a married man she’s obviously a terrible person and contacting her with only give her more power over you. It might even be a turn on for her. My DH is serial womaniser and I have probably contacted every woman and regretted it every time . Especially when one forwarded me his texts to her and another girl who sent me pictures. You don’t need any more hurt. If you’ve decided to leave stick with your gut and go. Good luck

You know what - I wouldnt even give his cheating as the reason to terminate the relationship. I wouldnt dignify my self as being second best.

A very clean "This isnt working for me" would be so much more c;llassy than a rip raring he said/she said/you did type scenario. Pack the car, leave and pp the keys through the letter box

put some prawns in his curtain rods

If she says no you won't believe her and you'll still be in hell.