To ask if you've ever messaged the OW..

[Confused20177]

Massively suspect that my OH cheated on me with his EXGF and up until now he has denied it. I have evidence of him calling her 4 times on the night he went AWOL and searched on his frequent locations (I know, I know) and it showed him being at her house until 11 the next day. In my heart of hearts I know he has but he is still denying it to this day. WIBU to message the OW and just ask for clarification or will I make myself look like a fool? I’m pretty sure I’m going to leave him anyway but he is so adamant nothing happened he makes me feel like I’m crazy for even thinking it so I feel like I need full confirmation from her. WWYD?

So what does he say when you show him the physical evidence that he was at hers?

He’s with you not the OW. Whether or not he has had an affair I think this relationship is over if trust is gone.

I haven't messaged the OW but have definitely thought about it. Decided not to on balance - they could react in so many ways and most of them could make me feel worse. At the end of the day it's him I need to deal with not her.

Good luck with your decision. Remember you don't need proof or an admission to give you 'permission' to leave - you just need to decide that the quality of relationship you have is not good enough for you. if it turned out that despite everything he had behaved acceptably that night, would that really make the difference for you?

He did it.
Photograph the evidence though.

You're better off without him. You can do this.

I think the fact that he even went to the ex when he had a fight would mean relationship over for me.

I have, she told me it was nothing to do with me 😂

DD's father was unfaithful. In the whole period I was involved with him, I've been cheated on and unwittingly been the other woman on many occasions.
In my experience, women will always give each other the answers eventually they think they want. It isn't necessarily a good thing.
In your case, no it wouldn't be undignified or foolish for you to ask but you can't predict how she would react and if it's the cold hard facts you want, rather than details, then you already know. You have actual evidence, not just a gut feeling.
You don't need to give him reasons for leaving, you can just leave because you want to. You don't trust him and he's clearly abusive if you can predict he's going to be a dick about it

OP so sorry it happened to you! 💐
Many years ago I caught my exP cheating, he vehemently denied it and blamed me for being an untrusting bitch. I contacted OW anyway and it opened such a can of worms that to this day I regret doing it! It caused me a lot of pain (I discovered he had been seeing her pretty much throughout all our relationship, she even got pregnant but went through abortion as he kept telling her he couldn’t leave me because of my poor health! and lots of other shit). The drama that ensued after my call was extremely painful and it took me years to heal and to start trusting again.
Be strong, don’t let him suck you into feeling guilty! It won’t be easy for you tonight but you’ll soon find how much better off you are without the man who disrespects you.
And we are here if you need a handhold!

I didn’t contact an OW in that manner.

I did email all their pictures back to them though. That was fun. One went batshit because she used her work email address, and another was really shirty because she didn’t want her husband to know.

Shame.

It depends on the woman. I've messaged a few with my shitty ex. It was generally a 'did you know he has a girlfriend?' Or a 'did you know he's screen shotting your naked Skype sessions?'. Some didn't give a shit and thought I was nuts (I kinda was tbh), some got off on it, some were angry at him and ghosted, some spilled everything. Yes, there were a lot and I put up with way too much.

At the end of the day, I didn't give a shit about what they thought of me so that would stop me messaging. I think my mindset was that I was already hurting so much it was better to at least try to have all the information (the only way he'd tell the truth was if I hit him with evidence).

I should have just left. I was with him for almost 3 years and in all honesty, it shouldn't have even been 3 weeks.