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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Dealing with DH colleague affair

35 replies

RosieLig · 07/11/2017 21:17

I need some perspective on this as it's causing arguments between me and DH.

He works for a small company and has done for 20 years. One of his colleagues who we are friends with had an affair last year and has left his wife and kids for the OW. He is now working in a different branch and so I've not seen him since.

I am pretty good friends with the wife. She is a lovely woman and I have known her a long time, been on work nights and weekends away, seen their kids grow up.

The OW is tagging him on Facebook and is now planning to come to a work night away. I am really struggling with this. I feel so sad for my friend and angry at the insensitivity of this pair. My husband gets cross with me, he needs to work with him, we need to move on blah blah ....

Any words of advice?

OP posts:
Splinterz · 07/11/2017 21:20

Other peoples relationships are none of your business. It's that simple.

LoveLights · 07/11/2017 21:21

It's not a nice situation and not easy to know what to do. However if your dh has to work with him and socialise with him through work you may have to just be polite but cool with her. She's his partner now and you don't have to like her.

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/11/2017 21:23

I wouldn't socialise with them ! It's his job not yours ! Be 'busy ' permanently

I gets your DH has to keep things ticking over but you dont have to do shit

Original poster
RosieLig · 07/11/2017 21:29

Hi
Thanks. I would just stop socialising but I really like all his colleagues and we have had a lot of fun times over the years. I suppose I'm wondering AIBU for feeling this strongly? I get that it's none of my business but I just can't help feeling mad/sad!

OP posts:
mamamiame · 07/11/2017 21:42

Maintain a balance. You’re right and he will a right too. Have a positive attitude but don’t be friendly. Just be nice and that’s it. Draw a line. Don’t be super chatty and sharing stuff and laughing taking drinking Aleta. Just say greetings politely. Exchange a few words here and there nod away etc.

Splinterz · 07/11/2017 21:46

No one knows what goes on inside a marriage other then the two people in it. How often do we thinking "I'd never have believed it of them, they seem so nice/normal etc" ?

Happy, healthy marriages don't break up. So what ever was going on in this marriage, it was fundamentally flawed beyond repair. How many times to do we read 'LTB' on this board over really trivial stuff? So the guy has left and made a new life for himself. Shit happens. It's not your circus and not your monkey (as the old saying goes)

PandorasXbox · 07/11/2017 21:47

Agree with mamamiame. You don’t have to friends with this woman but you can remain civil. I can understand how you feel and would be the same in your shoes.

Do you have to go on the work night away?

Neverender · 07/11/2017 21:49

There are two sides to every story. Remember that and remain as impartial as you can.

Justbookedasummmerholiday · 07/11/2017 21:51

Never - what other side of the story can the ow share?

ReanimatedSGB · 07/11/2017 21:57

It really isn't your business. Don't keep whining at your H about it - he is the one who works with the colleague and he's going to (rightly) prioritize a pleasant working environment over your opinions on someone else's marital breakup.
You can maintain your separate friendship with the colleague's wife, if you are used to seeing her outside the work-related events (though only if you can keep off the subject of her XP and his new partner - don't be tempted to tell her alllll about the works jollies and what the new partner looks like and what she said/did - stirring the pot is always a shitty thing to do and will backfire on you in the end.)

PandorasXbox · 07/11/2017 22:00

Two sides to every story? He had an affair and left his wife and dc. What other side of the story is important?

Original poster
RosieLig · 07/11/2017 22:00

Thanks Reanimated-no stirring or whining here 😆

OP posts:
Justoneme · 07/11/2017 22:03

Life moves on ...

I really can't understand why people act this way ... your DP work colleague wasn't happy so left his wife .... so you preferred him to stay in an unhappy relationship so it wouldn't affect your social life ... behave ...

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 07/11/2017 22:05

Meh !
Yanbu to feel this way OP Flowers

Compeletrly normal

Splinterz · 07/11/2017 22:05

What other side of the story is important?

It's no one elses business. Sadly, it's a ridiculously British trait to be obsessed about other peoples sex lives.

VladmirsPoutine · 07/11/2017 22:06

Stop making it about you.

PurpleMinionMummy · 07/11/2017 22:07

Shame he didn't leave before shagging the other woman if his marriage was so fundamentally flawed Hmm

Original poster
RosieLig · 07/11/2017 22:08

Haha-loving the "tough love" responses. Not sure I agree but quite refreshing to hear! 😳😆

OP posts:
Splinterz · 07/11/2017 22:11

Shame he didn't leave before shagging the other woman if his marriage was so fundamentally flawed

He's not here to corroborate the OPs second hand story gleened via her DH. We don't know if the wife was a complete nutjob who went for him daily with carving knives and lived life through a gin bottle any more than we know he's a rampant and ardent philanderer, cutting a swathe through the in coming deliveries department.

As I said, healthy marriage don't fail.

GoingIn · 07/11/2017 22:11

If I was in Ops position, I would let the dust settle for a while and wait for my emotions to cool down before even attempting to socialise with them.

Original poster
RosieLig · 07/11/2017 22:14

splinterz- you're way off!

OP posts:
Justoneme · 07/11/2017 22:15

Funny ....so you think someone should stay in a relationship when they are unhappy?

How would you feel about the OW if they had got together after the marriage had ended ...? What would be acceptable for you ... a week... a month ... a year ... yes let's all plan are relationships around the views of you...

But than again would you believe it when they came "out"

PandorasXbox · 07/11/2017 22:18

No we don’t know any of that splinterz but I’m hazarding a guess the OP does what with her knowing the wife and all that.

Original poster
RosieLig · 07/11/2017 22:19

Justoneme-I do get your point. It's just hard seeing my friend sad that's all.

OP posts:
JamesBlonde1 · 07/11/2017 22:20

She's your friend. If this happened to my friend I'd have nothing to do with the OW. My DH could do what he wanted but I wouldn't socialise with her.

I suppose it depends how close your friendship is.

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